1.
pale wood splintering quietly
breaking without ever telling anyone
white knuckles clutching onto something like a heart like
survival was predisposed
a swaying shadow alone in the grandeur
hanging by something like death
2.
seas lapping at their sons on the shore
asking them to come back home
worried about the light bearing down
they look skinnier, colder on the sand
hands grasping the bones of what they lost
3.
an execution sure draws the eye
the nun sits praying next to the Father
as the needle is cleaned carelessly—he’s dying one way or another
4.
a man covers his face, smoke reaching down the back of his throat
another crouches low to the ground, hands pressed against his nose
a dog whines
tries to hide in itself
a boy has fallen down his father’s stairs
his arms are splayed around his head trying to grab
another is between his family, his mouth open to scream when the blast hits
a woman is reaching towards her stomach, to the child beneath
praying to Juno, to Diana, to Venus, to anyone to save it
the world was so bright on the last day of Pompeii
5.
A door is blocking Bobby’s mother
a leg, an arm, a mother’s face screaming
a doctor in all green yelling
his father, crying softly in the corner
two nurses rushing
red on the green like christmas
another leg, another arm, a tiny blue face not screaming
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
The best thing about this, I think, is the way each of the catastrophes are described. The strongest lines are the ones where the background details are the focus. The sea's unanswered call, for instance, is not the tragedy here, but the one that it hints at is made stronger by the fact that it takes thought to understand it.
'the world... Pompeii' is the most powerful line in this work, because it says so little and yet so much.
My favorite of the shorts is 3. While the words 'the needle' refer to the a surgical needle, the presence of the nun and reference to Christian faith impart new meaning on the eye in the first line, what with that biblical saying about eyes and needles and making it to heaven - relevant, for the soon to be dead. The last line makes me laugh, in a morbid way.
The only segment I didn't understand is the first. The rest are distinctive types of disasters, tied together by the loss of life that comes with them, but the first is unclear and abstract. The phrase 'swaying shadow' could imply there's been a suicide by hanging in context, but I wouldn't be able to tell.
Overall, this poem ties together human pain and death across time by juxtaposing the five disasters. The fragmented lines are effective at putting together a picture of the whole by coloring the event, rather than drawing it out.
Thanks so much!!
1.
which is intentional, I'm sure.
Right off the bat, switch "anyone" out with "anybody". The extra syllable breaks the flow.
I like the repetition of "like a heart" and "like death". I'm not sure why you added the extra "like" after "like a heart"
Woah. That's really good, really dark. It all clicks on the last line. I like it, It paints an image.
"Grandeur" is a good word choice.
2.
This one makes me think. What would be the son of a sea? A lake or river? But it wouldn't washover those?
I imagine more of a stormy coast on this one, not a magazine cover- style california beach, but more an overcast oregon beach with sharp rocks and dark colored sand.
"Colder on the sand" gave it away for me. I like the thought process behind it, cold symbolizes lifelessness and what else do you find on an ugly beach but jellyfish?
This one seems a little dramatic, but i guess that's the idea. I justdont think the ocean would be all that torn up about jellyfish.
3.
For this one, there no real giveaway. It's the combination of every word in this that made it clear, but it's still puzzling. I think it's a lethal injection? Like death row? At first I saw it as a classic medieval hanging, but the word "needle" set the time period.
4.
Not much guessing on this one. And if there was, i NEVER would have thought of pompeii. The whole scene was awfully stressful, every bit of it. I dont think you used a single happy word
5.
Woah. This one is good. Not puzzling to figure it out, though. Stillbirth. I think it could have been better, because bobby seems like a happy/comical name, And same with "red on green like christmas. That was brutal, but Christmas generally implies cheerfulness i think.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading these! I definitely liked the riddle like nature of them. It's usually impossible to paint a very tangible scene with poetry but i think you did it. I would work on describing other things in the scene rather than just the physical traits of whats happening. You did that well in the first two, but from there the scenes were mostly just what was happening literally.
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Thanks! I just want to clarify that the like after heart was supposed to be "like survival was predisposed" but the I copied and pasted so the formatting became a little scrambled. Also, I've tried to write a few reviews but I was still getting used to the site's layout and ended up marking them as literary comments.
Yeah, thats the worst, huh? Make sure you check the box that asks if this is a review