Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

18+ Language Mature Content

𝙈𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩

by riotheselcouth


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Wench easily grabbed her virtue

Of her wood-mad father whom hunger with flesh, 

Whenas night comes, the nightmares begin
An innocent eyes of young child starts to cry.

All of her holy body is full of poisonous buss
She's wanted to shout because of the unexplainable sensation,
Can't move, can't yell of beg and plea
They're inside of the room of woe and sorrow.

Hearken to her own moan and misery cries
By planting a cactus with her tiny shield,
Begging to her father to stop his infamy
She mumure that must better to die.

Ashamed and lack of confidence to honor herself
Tho her own father steal her virtue—
A lanceler and graceless rapist
The reason why her own daughter lives by agony.

—𝓡𝓲𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝓮𝓵𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓱 /+072119🍂


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
852 Reviews


Points: 23705
Reviews: 852

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2019 4:24 am
alliyah wrote a review...



This poem was quite dark because of it's subject matter. More disturbingly though I did want to comment that I think some of the content/themes were quite problematic - so I'll be addressing that below.

The formatting all seemed in pretty good order, even stanzas almost always improve the flow and visible appeal of a piece. I think that some of the lines were a bit uneven though, so if the really short ones were lengthened and the longer ones shortened that will improve the flow even further.

I appreciated that while you choose more formal language for this piece - which actually added an element of emotional removal from the piece to me - you stayed consistent in tone and language throughout. This made the poem feel cohesive, though I think made the content seem almost like it was a distant narrative rather than one that the reader was witnessing. For a poem like this, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I did want to point out.

Now on to meaning... as I said earlier in my review, I found this poem problematic and disturbingly so based on some interpretations of language from the poem.


First I could not find a clear purpose of this poem. I will always advocate that a poem ought to have a purpose to be effective in creating an impression for the reader, but I think this is even more important when a poem tackles controversial or highly emotional territory, because to say nothing is a statement on it's own, and leaves the poem open to misinterpretations.

The poem doesn't culminate into anything except to say that the daughter has been assaulted and that "her virtue has been stolen". There's no lesson at the end of it, but there also does seem to be an effort for the emotional state of the subject to be better understood, so I have to wonder, what's the point. My impression is the poem is supposed to mean one of the following: 1) Rape happens, sometimes even incestually. 2) The tragedy of the daughter's rape was that her "virtue was stolen." 3) Perhaps it was just supposed to portray a horror narrative.

While meaning 1, could be a good way to build attention to an issue that doesn't get covered often. Meaning 2 I think is really undesirable. And meaning 3 is kind of odd too.

I think you need to decide what you want the reader to take away from this piece, and eliminate anything that doesn't contribute to that. Without making the piece more focused, it's open to misinterpretation.

Now I want to talk a bit about why I think that meaning 2 is pretty disturbing. A theme that comes up from three lines in the poem:

Wench easily grabbed her virtue


All of her holy body is full of poisonous buss


Tho her own father steal her virtue—
A lanceler and graceless rapist


--> the big theme portrayed seems to be that sexual assault takes away a woman's virtue, and that's why it's bad, and that after a man has had sex outside of marriage with a woman that suddenly her body is no longer holy or valuable.

While many people still believe that purity outside of marriage is important, to imply that a woman who has been violated outside of her consent is morally impure is really disgusting in my opinion. And this type of language and theme might actually add to the trauma that the victim has experienced by implying that the biggest problem with rape is the "loss of virtue".

By making the biggest themes in this piece the contrast between shame and innocence, purity and violation, some readers may take this to mean not only that the perpetrator of rape has committed sin, but that the victim is somehow made unworthy, unholy, unhonorable. I think that's a fairly dangerous and horrible message.

I'm hoping you did not actually intend for that to be the main message of your poem, but by not making the poem's point more clear - you did leave the door open to that interpretation.

I strongly urge folks who'd like to tackle this or other sensitive topics to really think not just about their piece's "artistic merit" when writing or its "shock value" but also its impact, these topics and themes are too important to not think all the way through.

Good luck in editing and further writing.

alliyah




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 17

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 5:34 pm
kaceymackwriter wrote a review...



Hiya!! I wanted to stop by and just congratulate you on how amazingly written this poem is. From your descriptions and word choice to the stark images that they create, you've presented an impressive array of vocabulary and imagery that draws the reader in.

I would say,though, that there are a few grammar/spelling errors here and there and a few places where it's a little difficult to understand what is being said.

First the line "Whenas night comes, the nightmares begin," I'm not sure if this was a missing space "When as" or if you meant "Whereas" or if you meant "Whenas" in the sense of it's meaning as obsolete or archaic.

Second the line "An innocent eyes of young child starts to cry," where I'm not sure if you meant "The innocent eyes" or "An innocent eye of a young child" but it reads a little choppy and strange in my opinion. You may have meant it that way for an image that I'm not gathering but that was simply my own observation.

"Can't yell of beg and plea" is also a little unclear.

Lastly would be in the line "She murmure that must better to die," where I think you meant "She murmured." Additionally, "That must better to die," also sounds slightly off putting to me and doesn't flow well with the rest of the poem.

Overall, you did a very good job on this poem. Your use of imagery creates rather affecting images that demonstrate the point and purpose of your poem quite well. You convey the emotions of the piece really well and give the reader some of the ability to understand the emotions being conveyed.

It was a really good read and I look forward to seeing more of your works in the future. Hope this review helped, I'm not the best at grammar and I know that poetry is sometimes meant to read in a different way than what we're used to seeing, so if I pointed out anything that you meant to be a certain way, then please ignore my commentary on it. If you want me to clarify anything, just ask and I'll try my best!

:D Hope you're having a good day!

~Mack






Hiii Thank you for your being cristism and i highly appreciate it. I used on that poem are some of the middle English, Shakespearean's English rather. "whenas" means when. "Murmure" and "murmured" is the same. HAHAHAHHA btw thank you again.

%u2014riotheselcouth %uD83C%uDF42





No problem! :) Thanks for clearing that up!



User avatar
300 Reviews


Points: 18512
Reviews: 300

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:44 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hello dear Riothe!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo (Review Month). Let's get started, now shall we? Okie dokie! :)

Alright.

Wow.

This is awesome. Your wording is top notch and then you give a the perfect amount of information on what's going on. (Stuff like this is overly horrible, and I'm sure you agree, considering your poem) The waves of feelings that you're sending towards us is not too much and not too less. It's right in the middle. And it's so good. :smt023

(I swear this deserves to be in the Spotlight)

Also, I don't know how you made the font changed for the title, but it added more to the "waves of feelings", ya know? And speaking of title, I adore yours. It makes sense and fits well to the topic. :P

Alright. Just one thing I wanted to ask. I'm not sure as to why you've separated the stanzas in such a way. I've tried to see if they were in some way not related, but it all seems to connect with one another, so... maybe put it all in one stanza, or separate it line by line, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Well anyways, I loved this poem of yours and I very much hope to see more from you soon in the future. I hope my review made sense, and of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! (:

Oh! And welcome to YWS!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty

:elephant:






hi miss? Liberty. ya know? the way you critic my poem is highly appreciated and noted. i really thank of what you have said.



Liberty says...


Yup. Miss. But don't call me miss. It makes me feel like I'm fifty.

Sure thing! ^^




The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec