𝓛𝓪𝓭𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓑𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓽

I saw you when the moon is crescent shaped

Light gives a hope and way,

No one will destroy your virtue

Dwelling on the elysium mountains and sacred woods.

Sovereignty of your name still alive
On the tenebrefic sky and plain air
Utterly painted your image
Carrying a quiver in shoulder—
A deer and hunting dogs surrounds you.

You're the shield of the high mountains
Aside from protecting wild animals,
You help woman to fertile child
Blessed by your bright sky.

You loved thrill and action life—specially hunting
With hunting dogs, deer or bear,
You're not easily attached by someone
An apathy 𝖌𝖔𝖉𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝕯𝖎𝖆𝖓𝖆

—𝓡𝓲𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝓮𝓵𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓱 /+072519🍂

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Points: 40
Reviews: 48

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Sun Sep 08, 2019 10:37 pm

starryknightt wrote a review...

Hey there! My name is M, and let's get started on this review!

HOLY FREAKING CRAP! This is beautiful! Phenomenal. I am a huge, huge fan of this writing style you have going here. I haven't nearly enough of such a gorgeous subject and prose.

This mythical work of art paints such incredible pictures in my mind. I can feel it within me, a breath of fresh, crisp, forest air. I can see the trees. I can hear the hunting dogs. Even now, the calm and starry night sky is hovering above me as I write this. You have successfully transported me to a different time, maybe even a different world.

I'm a big fan of all things mythology-related, so, obviously, this piece really drew my attention. You do a fine job of describing the goddess before you reveal her name, I guessed it toward the middle.

I love your title. It creates a whole different layer to the mood and atmosphere of this work. Looking at the title alone, I never would have guessed it'd have led me here, yet looking back it makes perfect sense.

I can't wait to read more of your art!

-M

Points: 144000
Reviews: 1228

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Sat Sep 07, 2019 1:27 am

alliyah wrote a review...

Hi there Rio,

so I agree with those who've pointed out you have some tense issues in this piece

ie. saw (past tense) can't be in the same string with "is" (present tense)

Once you fix up the tenses, it'll really help the piece seem more polished and also help with reading comprehension.

I also would really suggest reading the piece out loud, there were a few strings of thought that I just couldn't quite follow, and I think maybe your intention was just to make it sort of a stream of conciousness piece, but it sort of shifted between full sentences, and sentence fragments that didn't quite work out. Reading a piece out loud is one of the best ways to catch those little typos that we stumble into while writing, that are easier to get rid of after we've got through it a couple times to edit.

Take this stanza for instance:

Sovereignty of your name still alive
On the tenebrefic sky and plain air
Utterly painted your image
Carrying a quiver in shoulder—
A deer and hunting dogs surrounds you.

if I try to discern it's meaning this is what I get: the subject has a highly respected name or reputation, that the speaker would like to keep alive in the sky, and also in the plain air, which is a reflection of what they look like, but also they are holding a quiver on their shoulder because a deer and hunting dogs surround them. So the person is important, looks like the sky, but is also in danger. -> That's quite a bit of strangeness actually, and I'm not sure how each thought leads into or relates to the next.

Try to keep your images a bit tighter, so that they all kind of are in the same realm or can logically connect to each other so that the piece seems a bit less random.

That being said, I think you had some nice elevated word choice, and your writing seemed almost mythical in how you laced the pieces together, I really had a tough time trying to discern what it all meant together as a piece, but there were parts that were quite interesting. My main suggestion would be consider a poem to be somewhat like a story; it has a speaker, conflict, emotion, and resolution - it should all "make sense" together inside that short story. Treating the poem more like a story than a loose array of images is a good way to get started, and then after you've really captured that type of narrative poetry I find it gets easier to move on to stream of conciousness and more experimental poetry, because you still know the narrative that's underneath.

For that first stanza, I'm not sure if you purposely broke each line up into it's own stanza, but if not you might find This article on poetry formatting to be useful if you're not quite sure how to fix that.

Best of luck in your future writing,
I'm excited to see what you write next!

alliyah

Points: 63
Reviews: 23

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Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:04 pm

kaceymackwriter wrote a review...

I'm honestly not sure of what to say that hasn't already been said. This is an amazing piece where you've painted a picture of the goddess Diana in a poetic and engaging way. It's descriptive but in a way that makes you use your imagination to fill in all the little bits and pieces. This absolutely does justice to Diana as it is a portrayal of every side that she has. She's not just a protector but she's also a hunter, someone brave and bold and unafraid. I love the way you used the moon as an opener because it is one of Diana's key symbols in mythology and the mention of elysium as well. I don't know if it has been mentioned in previous reviews but the word "tenebrefic" is spelled "tenebrific" with an 'i' rather than an 'e'. Other then that and a few other grammar and tense mistakes, this is really well written and just incredible! Well done!

Hope this helps~

Mack

Points: 6141
Reviews: 499

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Thu Sep 05, 2019 6:37 pm

Que wrote a review...

Hi there riotheselcouth! Happy Review Month.

The first thing that I wanted to say was that I agree with Cici below about the verb tenses, so I won't go over it again, but I wanted to let you know that I noticed it as well. Either all present or al past tense would work much better!

I saw you when the moon is crescent shaped
Light gives a hope and way,
No one will destroy your virtue
Dwelling on the elysium mountains and sacred woods.

The first stanza has some nice imagery, but the lines (to me) feel entirely unconnected. The way your poem is grouped in four stanzas, I would expect each one to have related elements, and this just feels a little stilted. You don't even have to change what this stanza is about, but I might suggest adding in some words that help the flow a bit, something like this:

I saw you when the moon is crescent shaped
its light gives a hope and way,
Promising that no one will destroy your virtue,
Dwelling on the elysium mountains and sacred woods.

The bolded words indicate a bit more of a transition, and you can see how one line might connect to another. These specific words might not be what you want to say with your poem, but they're just an example of how you might do this!

Sovereignty of your name still alive
On the tenebrefic sky and plain air
Utterly painted your image
Carrying a quiver in shoulder—
A deer and hunting dogs surrounds you.

A couple of things here. I'm not sure why you say "plain" air? Because with a word like tenebrefic, it seems a little out of place, and I can't quite tell how air could be plain. And I'm also not sure that "sovereignty" is quite the right word for that first line--maybe memory? But it's your poem, so you alone know what you wanted to say. Finally, the last four lines seem to point to a constellation of Diana, which is really cool! But I wonder if you could make it more clear that it's not a real painting but a figurative painting, perhaps by mentioning "night sky" or "stars". That's a neat idea, though!

Aside from protecting wild animals,
You help woman to fertile child

This doesn't seem like the right way to say this--do you mean helping women to be fertile or to bear children? They're two similar but different ideas, and there isn't really a verb there to help. I think you could go either way, since as I recall Diana represents both, but make it clear which one you're talking about.

You loved thrill and action life—specially hunting
With hunting dogs, deer or bear,
You're not easily attached by someone
An apathy 𝖌𝖔𝖉𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝕯𝖎𝖆𝖓𝖆

I like the contrast you provide here! Not only does she help women to have children, but she also enjoys hunting.

The one thing I'd mention is the last line--An apathy? I'm not sure what you mean, since it's an emotion rather than an adjective. You could say, "An apathetic goddess Diana", but since apathy is akin to boredom, and you're talking about her having excitement with hunting, that doesn't seem fitting. Play around with some other ways to conclude the poem!

Overall, I really liked the imagery in this piece! If you can connect each thought with the others a little more, I think it will really be a cohesive portrait of the goddess Diana. I also loved that I could figure out who you were referencing before I read the last line! That was pretty good.

I like the feeling of a sonnet, not in the sense of meter and rhyme, but in the sense of praise for a deity. Good luck with all of your future writings!

-Q

Points: 499
Reviews: 12

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Thu Sep 05, 2019 6:08 am

riotheselcouth says...

PS. I REALLY REALLY THANK YOU FOR THOSE PPL GAVES A CRITICISM ABOUT MY PIECE.

Points: 2820
Reviews: 23

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Thu Sep 05, 2019 2:57 am

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Cici wrote a review...

Hi, riotheselcouth!

Oooh, I like that this is about the goddess, Diana. You use such beautiful language and vocabulary in this poem: I love it! I just have a few suggestions that I think will make this even better, but of course, you don't have to take all of them.

So, one thing that I noticed was your inconsistency of verb tenses. This is a super simple and easy fix that will be no problem for you. Is this happening in the present like a flashback sort of thing? Or has this already occurred in the past, with this being a memory or recollection? From what I see, I think that this supposed to be in the present tense. You don't have to stick to one verb tense; there can be shifts. The only thing to remember is to be clear about those tense shifts and that it is consistent. This isn't exactly a huge deal, but it will definitely help us, the readers, understand the content more clearly. For example, the line" "I saw you when the moon is crescent-shaped" could be "I see you when the moon is crescent-shaped" depending on the message you're trying to convey.

I have some alternatives for a few lines, again, you're not obligated to use them. These are just based off of my preferences.

I saw you when the moon is crescent shaped
Light gives a hope and way,

.

I prefer "I see you when the moon is a crescent-shaped light that gives hope and a way (format it the way you had it)." You do not have to change it; most of these are grammatical revisions. If you're worried about grammar, I would recommend reading through it and adding missing helping verbs and articles (if this is your style, then ignore me).

You're the shield of the high mountains aside from protecting wild animals, you help woman to fertile child blessed by you bright sky.

This could mean many things--my version would be "You're the shield for the high mountains. Aside from protecting wild animals, you help women fertilize(?) children blessed by your bright sky (same format)." I don't know; this is your piece.

Regardless of the verb tenses, I still really enjoyed reading it! I hope that my critique helped you in some way, but for the third time (I think it was third), you do not have to use them. I loved this work of poetry, especially the wonderfully descriptive language! I would be eager to read more of your pieces, so keep writing!

Cici

riotheselcouth says...

wtf, hiii dear.

i really like what you have said

it helps me totally.

riotheselcouth says...

wtf, hiii dear.

i really like what you have said

it helps me totally.

riotheselcouth says...

wtf, hiii dear.

i really like what you have said

it helps me totally.

Cici says...

I'm glad that it helps you!

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𝓛𝓪𝓭𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓑𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓽

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