Kindergarten me was smart
Answering questions, taking part
Who wants to read? Always me
Raise your hand, bravely
You want me in your group to do the work
Who needs to be in a social network?
Right now I'm older
More bolder
I talk more to my friends
Less to my disciplinarians
Engrained in my brain
This refrain
“Don't be brought
Be a socialite”
Don't answer questions
Don't raise expectations
“Stick to the status quo”
In the future
I don’t wanna be “cooler”
I want to be well-liked
But not a look-alike
I still want to read
And work at fast speeds
I want to be social
But also more vocal
Smart yet social
Future me
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello!
Just a small review
I loved the flow and the pace of the beginning stanza. The rhythm and rhyming is really nice, and each line completely led me to where I would have expected it to be led.
"Kindergarten me was smart
Answering questions, taking part
Who wants to read? Always me
Raise your hand, bravely
You want me in your group to do the work
Who needs to be in a social network?"
In the opening line, unlike the reviewer below me, I didn't think that 'Kindergarten me was smart" really fit into this passage. This is just my opinion of course, although the way you did it was perfectly fine. It is just that we don't speak in that way casually in our everyday lives, which is why it made me have to re-read that first phrase again, however this is poetry, and in another perspective it is very poetic, so I guess that's fine. Also, I thought that you could have used a different word than bravely, because you said that you wanted to read, that you always taking part, so it seems that it didn't really take much bravery, actually.
"In the future
I don’t wanna be “cooler”
I want to be well-liked
But not a look-alike
I still want to read
And work at fast speeds
I want to be social
But also more vocal
Smart yet social
Future me"
I felt like the ending as a really nice meaning and purpose, I also think that you could have gone even deeper, and try to talk more about your experience being older, and more about how it's changed since when you were younger. You could also add some points that the reason you changed could have also been that society has changed? Perhaps...
In the end, I felt as though you might have lost some of the really nice rhythm you had at the beginning. Maybe it would help if you added another stanza or something.
Overall I really loved the purpose of this poem, and you had a really strong beginning.
Good job!!!
Well this is quite a bit different from the usual tropes to be seen around here. I like the context of the poem more than the actual flow and scheme of the art. The ideas are the intriguing part. (overall I would have liked another stanza, but it isn't a bad spot where you decided to let the thoughts end). I think I will take this stanza by stanza:
"Kindergarten me was smart
Answering questions, taking part
Who wants to read? Always me
Raise your hand, bravely
You want me in your group to do the work
Who needs to be in a social network?"
Opening line has no problems. It's a great reflection and I'm glad you didn't say I was smart in Kindergarten but instead flipped it. Maybe could say Always Me!! to show more enthusiasm if you wish. Assuming this is about you, when you raise your hand did it really take any bravery? Unless you were nervous it didn't take any courage, but if you were a little afraid than it is okay to leave it reading bravely. From the last two lines I take it that you did all the work or most of it on group projects to make certain the project didn't fail.
"Right now I'm older
More bolder -- (bolder with the -er means more bold so that is redundant)
I talk more to my friends -- (you talk to them? what about a more exciting word, like chat or converse or banter?)
Less to my disciplinarians (great use of a better word than authorities and great rhyme)
Engrained in my brain
This refrain ** all the -ain parts here are great **
“Don't be brought
Be a socialite; (did you mean don't be bought; or did you mean bright?)
'Don't answer questions'
'Don't raise expectations:'
'Stick to the status quo.' (possibly put this final line in italics)
*(I added punctuation not applied by yourself that large refrain; as suggestion for change but not mandatory by any means)
"In the future
I don’t wanna be “cooler,” (i add a comma as suggestion. I would urge some sort of punctuation there)
I want to be well-liked
But not a look-alike. (I feel some punctuation would help us not rush the poem here as well)
I still want to read
And work at fast speeds
I want to be social
But also more vocal
Smart yet social
Future me"
So what I gather is that you want to be a well-balanced composite of being knowledgeable and adept at orating and expressing your ideas. Trying to attune yourself to be an introspective extrovert if you will. It seems you want to make a difference, have a social life, while also acquiring wisdom into the outer world as well as insight to yourself. I think that is a sort of goal that many of us desire but is hard to obtain; but surely is not impossible (and easier a task when collaborating with The Ancient of Days a.k.a Compassionate King).
To work hard and go out of comfort zone to grow socially - requires trying new things. They say every day to do one thing that you are afraid to confront. I am glad to have seen some thoughtful poetry instead of art for the sake of art.