they say that the lion is beautiful -
yes, the lion -
with its eyes as deep as the savannah and its
body stronger than the land, its sea of muscle and its
marble teeth.
do you think you are beautiful, lion?
yes, you, lion -
with your claws that slash and your teeth that snap
shut around pretty throats and kill. are you beautiful, lion,
stained red?
you are no king, lion, you must know that -
beastly lion -
you are no more than the antelope, with
your dumb lolling eyes, your animal musk, the filthiness
of your pelt.
you are no more regal than the others -
fallen lion -
your mane does not make you king over all
nor do the prickles of your paws against the ground giving
frantic chase.
you animal lion are worthy as -
get up, lion -
anybody else on the plains, or the
snow fields beyond. you and i, lion, with the rest of them
are equal.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
I really like this piece! It's awesome! I like the similes and metaphors you used and the language is amazing too! I don't know what the dash is supposed to mean in "you animal lion are worthy as -", but I'm guessing it's probably something quite rude.
However, you could put capital letters in your work just for the sake of it being grammatically-correct. As well as that, you also start a new line mid-sentence, which does mess up the flow a bit. I would only start a new line mid-sentence if it works, try saying your poem aloud and see if it sounds good to you. Other than that, everything's awesome!
Overall, an awesome piece of poetry, but you could work on the way you structure your lines and you could add capital letters in appropriate places.
I hope my review helped!
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
I really like this piece! It's awesome! I like the similes and metaphors you used and the language is amazing too! I don't know what the dash is supposed to mean in "you animal lion are worthy as -", but I'm guessing it's probably something quite rude.
However, you could put capital letters in your work just for the sake of it being grammatically-correct. As well as that, you also start a new line mid-sentence, which does mess up the flow a bit. I would only start a new line mid-sentence if it works, try saying your poem aloud and see if it sounds good to you. Other than that, everything's awesome!
Overall, an awesome piece of poetry, but you could work on the way you structure your lines and you could add capital letters in appropriate places.
I hope my review helped!
Hello, @regismare! I'll be reviewing your piece.
I'd first like to point out that although this topic is simple, you do go in depth with your thoughts and I respect your effort. This is actually interesting, seeing as you are writing in opposite viewpoint as many others may be thinking. I say this because I was honestly expecting something I've heard before, something that would be stating that the lion is the king, the bravest animal in the savannah. I think your writing was nice.
Here. In your last stanza, you've interrupted this line again with a dash. Although you may find it necessary to keep the "pattern" or style of writing, with dashes at the beginning of every stanza, I don't think its needed. It cuts up the stanza and kind of ruins the flow. I think you could even get rid of "get up, lion -" altogether. I really believe it would be better off without it. I know a lot of times it is convincing to keep the same patterns throughout the whole poem, but forcing a line to continue in this pattern (almost like rhymes) can make it worse. If you do want to keep the dashes, maybe rephrase the second line?
Also, on the topic of rephrasing, I think this first line quoted could do with rewording. It only makes a small amount of sense to me. I'd take out "lion", and change it to: you, animal, are as worthy as... That works, or replace "animal" with "lion". I'm not sure if you meant to use one or the other, but both don't seem to be working well together.
The lines break a little too soon here, and the flow becomes a little less stable - just the slightest bit. When you have the words broken up like this, I first read these two lines as two separate sentences. I had to reread it to make sure I was understanding the words correctly. I'd move "shut" up to that first line above. I feel like "snap" and "shut" are glued together, in a way, where they should stay on the same line. Not sure if that makes sense?
I thought the overall theme and simplicity made this poem very unique and special, with lots of imagery and description. I had fun reviewing/reading this, and I can't wait to see more from you! Your poetry is really beautiful. I'm quite glad that this is a new topic written about; even though it's about a lion, it is really different and your viewpoint on a common animal is interesting.
Thanks,
BlueSunset
Thank you for the review : ) Your advice is super helpful - I do indeed get the gist haha ^-^
Hello!
I thought this was an interesting concept for a poem. I haven't read many poems that degrade lions haha
My Number One piece of advice for you: delete. You use a lot of repetition in this poem, but I don't think it's needed or beneficial to the poem. I really think if you just addressed the lion at the beginning and maybe the end, that would be enough. You interrupt your thoughts a lot to do nothing more than reiterate that we're talking to a lion. Your reader realizes this. You don't have to keep reminding them.
This is what I'm after.
Spoiler
they say that the lion is beautiful
with its eyes as deep as the savannah and its
body stronger than the land, its sea of muscle and its
marble teeth.
do you think you are beautiful?
with your claws that slash and your teeth that snap
shut around pretty throats and kill. are you beautiful,
stained red?
you are no king, you must know that
you are no more than the antelope, with
your dumb lolling eyes, your animal musk, the filthiness
of your pelt.
you are no more regal than the others -
you are fallen -
your mane does not make you king over all
nor do the prickles of your paws against the ground giving
frantic chase.
you are worthy as
anybody else on the plains, or the
snow fields beyond. you and i, lion, with the rest of them
are equal.
I wanted to read the poem without those interruptions, so I had to write it out, and MAN! It's a pretty dang good poem! You have a lot of really beautiful images! It was just covered over by some mindless repetition. I thought the idea of "fallen" was a cool phrase to apply to a lion, so I kept that.
This is just an example of what I think would add (or rather subtract? haha deletion joke) to the poem. Usually I refrain from editing the poem on behalf of the poet, but It was just a simple fix of deleting things. Definitely do not assume that this is by any means any sort of "perfect" version of this poem. I just wanted to show you what it would sound like without the repetition.
In addition, I find poems to be more impactful and powerful when the images are condensed. Read through this with "wordiness" in mind, and see if you can cut out any images or words or phrases that aren't essential to what you're trying to say.
I'll also suggest going over your grammar a bit. I wasn't paying too much attention to it, but it definitely distracted me in places so there might be something wrong.
You had some very striking images in here. Excellent job! Keep writing! I hope my review was of some use to you.
~fortis
Thank you for the review! It was definitely of use - I actually prefer the version without the repetition so thanks for bringing that to my attention ^-^
It is commonly decipted as the lion being the king of the jungle, the royal predator. This poem essentially overthrows that idea completely, first starting off with the first few lines(although the narrator is questioning this). The imagery of the lion as dirty and stupid really made me think otherwise. I wouldn't have actually imagined a poem to change this common conception of the grand lion. However, I found one line to be awkward, it is this:
"You animal lion are worthy as" - I just find saying animal before lion makes it sound odd.
Otherwise, well done.
Thank you <3