Hey there, regismare! Scythe here to review, as promised (albeit a little late, sorry!)
It's a pleasure to be finally reading some of your work (I don't believe I have before now?), so here goes!
What I liked:
I enjoyed the easy flow of this, it was so light hearted and comfortable to read. Definitely something for teenage audiences. I really loved this line, because it showed that soft and appealing tone:
with the prussian blue
of the rain above england lit up by the soft
glow of the year ten bathroom lights.
it's the time for sleep
I'm going to contradict that statement though, by saying how much I liked the dark, depressing themes of the poem. I could be wrong, but I really did think the beginning stanzas showed a beautiful setting: "prussian blue", "soft glow", etc.
Perhaps they did, which is why I adore the contradiction. It's so realistic and significant to a teenager; the flurry and mix of emotions. The soft glow of happiness and the darkness that comes through being lonely with ones thoughts.
I also liked the fact no capitals were used. Generally, I might be nitpicky about that issue, but I think the style really suited its audience and message. It's not so much that teenagers are illiterate, but rather that, in some ways, capital letters can be shown as strong, mature and direct whereas lower-case letters show a sort of immature and informal front, much like a teenager.
I love the use of "boarding", it's subtle but gets the message across; the person is from a boarding school, hence the main setting for this, thus reinforcing the idea that this is meant for teenagers.
What I disliked:
First of all, I disliked a certain point of view within the poem;
it's two in boarding
no, not the afternoon when on a saturday
we eat instant noodles and scones
no, it's the morning
Here, in the first stanza, you mention a second person, "we", but later there is no further interaction of the person. Actually, that is the only time another person is ever mentioned, so it was slightly confusing. Who is this mystery person?
Not only that, but the poem is categorised under "romance", so I had the assumption we would see something of that nature, and perhaps a second party to fulfil that expectation. Although there is of course that mysterious other person, they didn't actually have any real placement to fit into that romantic perspective, so here's my question: where is the romance in this poem? From what I can see, there is none. There is only the thoughts of a teenager on what appears to be the brink of a meltdown, saddened by an assumable departure.
This may be a tad nitpicky, but you do need to capitalise a few words. Although I've stated that I enjoyed the misuse of capitals for the poem, there actually are certain instances where you must use them.
saturday should be changed to Saturday, since it's a day and has significance, along with prussian and england (both of which are countries, so most definitely hold the same importance).
I couldn't really find any grammar issues, so if I have missed any out I'm so very sorry! Great work, though, I adored this piece, it was beautiful and so relatable (despite hating school for the most part). I'm not kidding when I say this; keep writing! You have a beautiful talent within you <3
-- ScytheMeister
Points: 0
Reviews: 75
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