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hacker, sincerest

by regismare


He basks in the soft green of the binary as his fingers

fly over the keyboard, automatic and unrelenting.

Every drizzly morning - and it's always drizzly, no matter

if he is in London, Berlin, Oslo,

the smothering of the clouds follows him and tries to drown him

out with their ceaseless, monotone raining.

Each morning, or whenever he happens to wake and not go 

back to sleep, he will wake up, shower, and then

he begins to skulk through firewalls and dance with government

encryptions, a most dangerous tango.

The hackerman slouches in his chair for hours, eyes glazed and dull

oblivious to the clock on the wall.

His lips crack and his mouth tightens for want of water, a need

long forgotten in pursuit of victory.

Swathes of pretty blond hair curl wasted by his ears and his bloodshot

blue eyes, blurring more with every second

spend chasing. He's lost count of how long it's been now. How long,

but more importantly, how much longer?

Not even the pounding of midnight rain against the window

draws his eyes from the writhing on the screen.

Nor does the soft snoring of his lover, ever so patient

as his hacker works in an endless loop

for corporations threatening and faceless, cruel in their demands

of one vigilante son of binary.

He will frown as the tango starts to exhaust him; he doesn't

know how much longer he can tango for.

Suddenly the code will slide into place like dislocated

joints coming back together, awkward but

good enough, and he will become aware of what he is, again -

worn out and dusty grey, hungry for respite.

He is no Hercules, Samson, or Bellerophon, but he tries

and that's all he can do, he tells himself.

He goes to bed, thirsty and unbathed. He barely pauses to

undo the chain and cross around his neck

and to set them down on the spindly table beside their bed

in one of the hacker's many safe-flats.

His lover turns with a broken whisper sleep now, hacker dear.

Tomorrow he will do it all again.


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Sun May 28, 2017 11:40 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So this definitely is an upgrade, I found. I'm glad that you ended up reworking this poem of yours since it's even stronger with the editing that you've done. What I do wish you could have focused on, even if in the slightest, is the overall structure of the poem. There's no stanzas, which I would have liked to see divide the different sections of this poem. Another aspect of this piece that I noticed is that the title seemed to change from before, though that could be my memory failing me, I could have sworn before the title happened to be 'hacker, dearest'. Maybe it was and you changed it from that, haha.

Moving on from that and treating this as a new work or getting into what's been changed, this one certainly has the same style or keeps the same tone as the last edit, and I enjoy that. The vocabulary that you use is still incredible in building the atmosphere of this poem, though I do have to say that I'd like to see some more active imagery instead of just adjectives. This doesn't mean that none of the descriptions or bits of imagery here are outside of an adjective describing a noun, but it gets quite common in this poem.

I'd suggest more of a usage of figurative language or poetic devices outside of the setup where you have an adjective simply describing the noun, and that's it. You can do so much more. Paint the scene that you want to portray. And in places, you do this. The ending is still broken up in terms of flow, it seems, and I have to say that maybe if the last couple of lines were all connected, it might be more effective? The last line being alone doesn't have a real impact to it, and if it had that impact, the ending would be more powerful.

Overall, I definitely still enjoy this poem and I like the revisions that you've made to it. It's definitely worthy of being called a strong piece due to the fresh idea and strong sense of vocabulary and imagery that you use here. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




regismare says...


Thank you for reviewing! I did indeed change the title - it's so it'll fit better with the sequel-kind-of that I'm writing. How do you suggest I divide this up into stanzas? I kept trying but nothing seemed to be 'right'.



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Sun May 28, 2017 10:40 am
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Wriskypump wrote a review...



Hey, yeah, it's Wrisky :D

So I'm glad to see this out, but I was thinking it was going to be a sequel, so that the hacker would be doing an adventure maybe a little different. I see you mostly just expanded on the idea though. I was real excited for a brand new episode, ya know, and I wish you actually gave this guy a mission that he's working on instead of loosely categorizing it (kind of stereotypically) as navigating through firewalls and browsing government files.

"spend chasing." - should be spent chasing or he spends chasing.

"spindly table" - the adjective there just seems kind of, unneeded.

"Each morning, or whenever he happens to wake and not go
back to sleep, he will wake up, shower, and then
he begins to skulk through firewalls and dance with government
encryptions, a most dangerous tango." - So most of the other places with enjambment work well enough. These ones didn't seem all that productive to your work

Stanzas might be good for this poem.

"Swathes of pretty blond hair curl wasted by his ears and his bloodshot
blue eyes, blurring more with every second" - the top line needs some commas or a different place to switch to the next line maybe? I don't know. Something just didn't read write in that. I like the second line.

"he will wake up, shower, and then

he begins to skulk " - I would just begin with begin on that second line.

"from the writhing on the screen." - a subtle play there, with writhing, haha :)

"He is no Hercules, Samson, or Bellerophon, but he tries" - I might make "But he tries" it's own line. Now I like these allusions to Legendary warriors. Maybe my favorite part of Hacker, sincerest.

AH! But the Ending drives me Bonkers!!

"His lover turns with a broken whisper sleep now, hacker dear.
Tomorrow he will do it all again."

All the lover says is "sleep now, hacker dear," first of all just like last time, and it's not very much, I'm just interested in so much more of their relationship, even if it's just a hint more!! And then the proverbial light in the bedroom flips off.

Oh, my wounded soul!

I mean, yeah, this is Hacker, diuturnal - but I didn't see anything too sentimental or tender, as sincerest might denote, and a lot of it just kind of seemed pasty.

Maybe you can write one where two hackers hack each other at the same time, and then it leads to a friendship, maybe even a romantic one, lol

but you may be tired of hacker themes by now ")




regismare says...


Thanks for reviewing! I am actually still writing a sequel, haha (hopefully less pasty than this lol). I had to change the title, though, because the sequel is from the lover's point of view and it expands more on their life and the hacker's personality so I thought the titles would fit better if they're switched. I'm still too afraid to try to format poetry : ( Each time I tried, it just didn't look 'right', y'know? I'm thinking about rewriting this again because I'm still not happy with it. But thanks for the pointers, and for trawling through this poem again!



Wriskypump says...


This may help you format
-
Put that hyphen there all alone whenever you want a break ;)




Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus