Carlos

Hai :3

Oh, this is chilling!! I love how compact it is, because the shortness makes the horror feel immediate and inescapable. There’s no long explanation, no slow setup, just this awful image of the speaker watching their mother submit to something monstrous. It feels domestic and violent all at once, which is such an unsettling combination!! The poem has this ritualistic dread to it, like the speaker has walked in on something that has been normalized for everyone except them.

I watch my mother lay on the floor
as Carlos feasts upon her blood.

What an opening!!

This is such a brutal first image. “My mother” makes the scene intimate right away, but then “Carlos feasts upon her blood” turns that intimacy into something grotesque. I’m really interested in the fact that he has such an ordinary name, too. Carlos isn’t “the demon” or “the beast” or “the god” yet; he’s just Carlos. That makes him scarier to me, honestly!! It suggests that the monster is not some distant supernatural force, but a recognizable person who has somehow been given power.

She beckons me to come over,
so he can feast upon mine.

Ugh, this is so disturbing in the best way ~~ The mother becomes part of the ritual, sort of an extension of his hunger. That makes the horror so much more complicated. She is hurt, but she is also inviting the speaker into the same harm. There’s such a strong generational trauma reading here, like pain being passed down because someone was taught to call it duty, devotion, love, faith, tradition, anything except violence.

I shake my head quickly
and back away, fumbling for the door.

I love how human this reaction is!! The speaker doesn’t give some grand speech immediately. They panic. They move backward. They fumble. They do things that I think most people would end up doing in that situation. That detail makes the poem feel grounded after the surreal blood imagery. It’s such a realistic survival instinct, and I really like that the speaker’s resistance begins physically before it becomes verbal. Their body rejects the ritual before their voice does; that's really applicable to lots of traumatic situations, too!!

"It is your duty to surrender to Him," my mother croaks.

!!!! This line reframes the whole poem for me

The capitalization of “Him” is doing so much work here. Suddenly Carlos feels deified, like this man has been placed in the position of a god. The word “duty” is also so heavy ~~ It makes the violence sound inherited, expected, maybe even sacred within the household. I love how “croaks” keeps the mother’s body present, though. Even while she speaks the language of devotion, she is literally drained and weakened. That contradiction is devastating!!

^^^ I wonder if you could lean even more into the tension between Carlos as a man and Carlos as a false idol figure. The ending already does this beautifully, but maybe one tiny earlier detail could make that worship feel even more sinister. Is there a candle burning? Is there a portrait? Is the room arranged like an altar? You don’t need much at all, but one concrete ritual image could make the “Him” land even harder. It comes out of nowhere in a way!!

I finally open the door and shout before I run,
"And who is he but a wretched man!?"

LOVE this ending!!

This is such a satisfying moment of rebellion. The speaker refuses the myth that everyone else has accepted. Carlos may be treated like a revered figure, but the speaker sees him clearly: just a man, and a wretched one. That final question has so much force because it breaks the spell. It’s not only fear anymore; instead, it's recognition. The speaker names the truth and escapes... Powerful!!

I do think “lay” should probably be “lie” here: “I watch my mother lie on the floor.” Since the poem is so short and sharp, little grammar tweaks like that will make the horror feel even cleaner. Also, “I shake my head quickly” could maybe become something more visceral, like “I shake my head until the room blurs” or “I shake my head hard.” The current line works, but there’s room to make the panic feel more embodied. You get what I mean!!

Overall, this is so eerie!! It feels like a poem about abuse, patriarchy, breaking out of inherited/generational trauma cycles, etc. Amazing work!! ^_^

- Payton