I sighed as I stared at the rusted blue lock. It was a wonder I had even been able to find it among all of the other locks on the wall. I half smiled at the memory of when it was first placed there, so many years ago.
"Is that one yours, Miss?" A younger woman said in a thick Flemish accent.
"Yes." I replied, a smile tugging on my lips as the memory filled my mind.
"Would you mind telling us your story?" she asked, a warm smile on her lips.
I nodded and smiled at her. "Of course, please, sit down." I said, and made my way to the bench across the bridge. "It may take a while." I explained to her look of befuddlement, and she then happily obliged, tugging a young man along with her.
"Oh, do tell us the wonderful story." she cooed, like a child, light shining in her eyes. I could only laugh slightly and nod at her.
"He had wanted to surprise me with my adolescent wish to visit this place. To place the lock on the wall of locks. Who knew it would have been just our fifth year anniversary when he told me we were going to celebrate it in the wonderful land of Germany? My old wish, was deep in the crevices of my mind not once did it unfold itself." I started, and her eyes were like a child's at Christmas, drinking in my story.
"So, he spent his savings to get us there. To make my wish a reality. The wish I had forgotten." I continued, and she nodded.
"Oh do please continue." the man next to her urged. His own eyes mirrored his lover's and the innocence and childishness overwhelmed his masculine features.
"I remember that I was smiling all the while, placing kisses all over his face and body on the way. Telling him how much I truly loved him, and I couldn't believe he had actually taken us to Germany so soon, I had been wanting to go a few years later, maybe after we settled down.
"He had just grinned and said that it would all be fine, for this was to be a special trip, and not to be so worried about his money, but to enjoy myself. I sighed and rolled my eyes, as any wife or girlfriend would, and kept silent the rest of the flight." I said, a small tear forming in my eye, and the woman took my hand gently, as if comforting me.
"He and I were here in no time." I continued, a distant look in my eye. "And it was so much more breathtaking than it was my second time. There was no other place I had wanted to be than here with him. It was all too beautiful..."
I felt more tears forming as I remembered the day in my mind's eye. "He had blind folded me the day of our anniversary, July fourth, and had led me to the rental car. I wasn't' allowed to peek until we had gotten to our destination. We drove for a good thirty minutes before he stopped the car and let me out. He then placed something cold in my hand, and kissed me on the nose before leading me out.
" 'No peeking'. He had commanded, and I had obliged happily, not looking from under the bandanna. I felt these old boards under my feet creak as we walked, and then he stopped." I said, and the couple were almost sitting on the edge of their seats, anticipating the rest of my story.
"And then what?" the lady asked me, yearning in her voice. "What happened next?"
I chuckled. "Oh, he took the bandanna off and showed me the row of locks. Dozens of hundreds of thousands of locks. All these locks here." I sighed, gesturing at them. "And I looked at the sky blue on in my hand and saw our names engraved on it. 'Dennis and Rachel, July 4, '12'. Oh, I was a mess." I laughed, a small tear escaping my eye. "I was all over him and crowing with laughter and crying with joy. It was one of the best surprises he had ever given me." I finished.
The young couple stared at me, awe in their faces and I could see the love in their hearts. They looked at each other and then back at me. "Those are our names.." the woman smiled at me, the man with a look of surprise flooding his. "And July fourth is also our anniversary." she added, smiling at him and then back at me.
"Whatever happened to him?" her boyfriend questioned, looking around the wooden bridge, searching for an older man that could have accompanied me.
I looked down at my wrinkled hands that were gnarled with age and arthritis. I felt another tear escape and I sighed shakily. "He's gone now..." I whispered, looking from my hands to my old dress. "He died of cancer a few years ago."
The woman placed a comforting arm around my shoulders. "That must be a long journey for you to take alone..." she whispered.
I shook my head and stared at the lock. "No, I wasn't alone. He may not be with me in body, but he's with me in spirit. Every time I board that plane, every time I go back home. He's right there next to me. As he had been for, seventy five years." I said, looking at them and smiling. "And seeing a young love, with names such as ours, well, that's a wonderful, reassuring thing." I concluded.
I then stood up and walked back to the lock and kissed my fingers, and gently touched the lock with them before hobbling back over to the mainland to get in the car and catch my flight.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Salutations. I really like this story and the emotion portrayed in it, but I have a few grammatical suggestions. I'll go through the story and skip any parts that I don't have any corrections for:
All in all, the story was really good. I think the ending, though, could have been written a little stronger. Try to get more emotion into the piece. Imagine how this woman would feel and try to write from that perspective.
Also, the story was told well, but I think some of the interruptions by the younger couple were a bit distracting and unneeded. Cut some of those out and it'll sound better.
Another thing I thought could be changed was when the younger woman said that their anniversary and names were the same. I think that could have been written a little better, because it is a large coincidence, but it is necessary for the story and I think, because of that, it is fine, but it could be done a little better.
One consistent grammatical thing I noticed was the punctuation of dialogue. When you have something such as
"Hello," he said.
after "Hello" there should be a comma, not a period, which is what you generally put.
Go here for more information about this.
Well, besides that, good job, and good luck with any future writing!
Okay, this was interesting.
But, the listeners interrupt too much, when you're listening to a story, you don't interrupts every couple of sentences, you let the story teller take their time.
It makes it seem a bit wrong.
I'd advise putting a bit more detail to the story as well, it would make it better.
This seems like A) A prologue of sorts.
B) A short narrative.
If it's the first chapter of a story then it doesn't seem to have much potential.
But if it's either of the other two it will be great.
Interesting.
You have a good style for this as well.
""Yes." I replied, a smile tugging on my lips as the memory filled my mind."
.
Nice, I love that line, great imagery with the smile tugging on the narrators lips. I think, however, that for the opening you need to bring the reader into the piece a little more other than opening up with your staring at a lock on a wall. Maybe try giving us a descriptor of the lock more and the scenery, is the lock rusting? How big is it? Where are you? Just tiny details really.
"celebrate it in the wonderful land of Germany?"
This is a statement of fact, a comment from the narrator. Not question, just put a period after Germany.
"To make my wish a reality. The wish I had forgotten."
In your writing you usually use fragment sentences quite effectively, however, if you ever get a chance to remove a fragment sentence, do so. Just for the sake of flow, try saying: "To make my wish a reality, the one I had forgotten."
"innocence and childless overwhelmed his masculine features"
I loved this line, great imagery, and word choice. Excellent writing here
"I chuckled "Oh he took the bandanna..."
Ok, you took too big of a mood swing here, you went from the narrator crying to chuckling at her audience's eagerness. I would maybe just cut out the fact that she was crying, it seems a little too melodramatic and sudden for this piece. I am loving your story telling skills though, quite interesting.
Quick comment, I think you should cut out the entire crying part from your narrator, especially because she has an entire speech justifying why she shouldn't be sad. Maybe give her a distraught look or a grim expression at times, but not crying.
"I then stood up and walked back to the lock and kissed my fingers, and gently touched the lock with them before hobbling back over to the mainland to get in the car and catch my flight."
I really love this ending, but lets bend it around a little bit to make it flow smoother. Maybe try saying something like: "I stood up and walked back to the lock, kissing my fingers and gently pressing them against the lock's rusting metal. I then hobbled back to my car in the mainland and catch my flight."
I think the "catch my flight" is just an excellent excellent way to end this story, loved that aspect of it. I think this is excellent writing with a few glitches, not many though. With some polishing this piece will be just excellent. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh