As I look over my dead body, I wince slightly at the pain. I couldn't bear to be with them anymore. It was too much. The way they looked at me, I couldn't stand it. I stare at my mother, I was her only daughter. I am her only daughter, and now look at me. Dead to the world. I guess overdosing really is a good way to die. Better than blasting out your brains.
I guess I should tell you who I am. My name is Shauna. I'm your typical "average" teenage girl. I suppose. But, nowadays, no one is "average". The sad thing is, I didn't look suicidal. I was your normal teen. I had break ups and mishaps. I argued with friends, and I made decent grades.
So, why would I take my life? Well, that's easy. I took it because the voices told me to. They made everyone turn against me. They over-analyzed what was said to me. I ignored the fact that my mother adored me. I just murdered myself. It was my only way out. I guess. Now that I look back on what happened, it wasn't the best idea, but I am not the brightest crayon in the box. I'm just a girl who stares at her body as she waits whether she's supposed to go to eternal life, or eternal damnation.
I begged with God as I swallowed the pills. I begged him to let me go. I pleaded he would let Death be my new friend. My new best friend. The one I knew I could trust. The one who won't hurt me. I knew my dad was friends with Death. I wanted to be too. I mean, I was supposed to meet him when I was a child anyways. I've escaped him too many times, and it was just time to go home.
People always said I was a liar. I fit the role well. I lied a lot. But now that I'm in the after life, I'm forced to tell the truth. I'm forced to tell you that I was raped when I was thirteen. That my father molested me. That I begged God to forgive me as I took my own life. I even tried to fight Death off because the voices were weakening. I mean, being a schizophrenic wasn't too bad.
My mother has called the EMT's. I guess she finally decided that my body had to go away. I hate leaving her the way I did. I mean, if it wasn't for the voices I would have been perfectly fine. But, they're right, no one listened to me. No one loved me.
But as I reminisce on my life before now, I realize that the voices were wrong. There's my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. The woman who kept me after my birth. She loved me. Then there was my brother. No matter how annoying he became, he loved me. And then there was the boy I was madly in love with. We had once been the perfect couple, but the voices had me push him away as well.
I know it's childish to blame the voices but it's the only way I know. That's why I'm blaming them in the after life. Maybe it's because even in the after life, we know it's my mind's fault, and in my mind, there were the voices.
I stare at the people at my funeral. Almost the entire senior class, and then the lower classmen. My mom. My brother. Tears are in everyone's eyes.
"Here lies Shauna, a wonderful girl. She took her life. She will be missed. We all loved her. She's a fantastic young lady. God will take care of her." Those are the few phrases I can hear from the tree I am sitting in.
Maybe they'll learn the next time someone cries out for help. I know this may sound like a pity party, but I do hope they learn. Because, if they don't, there will be many people like me. Sometimes, it's so much more than a pity party.
Hello there! First off, let me just say WELCOME TO YWS!
I hope you've gotten along well so far. If you need anything, feel free to ask!
)
Anyway, on to the review!
You have a wonderful story here! The first sentence was quite powerful, it really hooks the reader into the story. I was really interested in what was going to happen, and I think you ended it at a very logical place. The conclusion helped bring it together, I think. Anyway, great start. Let me just point out a few things. (I'm not trying to be too harsh, so try not to take it that way if I come across like that. I'm just trying to be helpful.
This idea of looking back at your own death, funeral, etc. is something that is very commonly used, just because of all the mystery behind it. Everyone wants to know who will be there for them, you know? And since this is used a lot, you need to make sure your idea really stands out. And I think what you have is a very interesting twist on this after-death idea. You'd think there would be regret after committing suicide, but your character lacks this significantly more than expected. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you need to make sure she's very well developed. From what I got out of this, she seems to have conflicting opinions: that she realizes that her mother actually cares for her, but on the other hand she seems almost apathetic about the whole thing. Make sure that you know her well enough to keep it consistent. Or, if this is the true conflict in the story, then play it out.
Speaking of which, let's talk about the theme of your story. What do you want to focus on? This has a lot of potential to be very dramatic and emotional, depending on what direction you want to take it. To me, there are.....three major possible themes. First, you have the relationship between the mother and daughter. Second, there is the whole idea of the voices, the schizophrenia, that leads up to her death; in other words, the traumatic experience she had eventually caused her suicide. Third, there is the fact that everyone cares about her after she died. Which one of these would make the best impact for your story? That's your decision, not mine. It's just something to think about.
About the organization of your story, it seemed to me to be a little all over the place. It was hard to tell when you transitioned from the past to the present. I think there is so much more that could potentially happen in the present to make it really strong. How would she react to her mother doing various things? What did she do in the time between her death and the funeral? Did she go look for specific people? You're probably trying to keep it short, but it has the potential to be a lot deeper in terms of emotion and plot.
One other thing that I noticed was that you switched to second person briefly in the second paragraph. Taking a break like that to describe the main character gets really awkward if not done properly, and unfortunately for yours, I think that it halts the action a little too much. That's an easy fix though, just try to spread the descriptions out a little.
I hope this review helped! I'll be looking for your other works too!
Keep writing! (Seriously!)
~Devan