Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"What!" She screeched at me, throwing bottle of beer across the room at my head, missing it by a few inches. "You can't just leave me!" she bellowed, the tears flowing down her cheeks.
I stood there in complete disdain, staring at the floor. "I'm sorry, Winnie... I have to. This relationship isn't working out." I heard myself whispering. "You make subtle comments, and they hurt. I know the truth behind them, but you never step up to the plate when I call you out on them. I can't explain this. I feel like what you want and what I want are two different things. I need you, yes, but things have gotten so bad these days. Winnie, we can't do it. I'll pack all of my stuff. I'll be out by morning..." I continued, trying not to let my voice crack and the tears trickle down my own cheeks.
I gently picked up the broken glass from the shattered bottle, and walked by her, using all of my might to not just grab her in my arms and kiss her like there was no tomorrow.
"You are such a bastard." She hissed at me as I passed her, and I flinched. Of all people, why her? Why had she become such a drunkard? I needed her, but there was a hole in my heart. I couldn't let her love me. Not anymore.
I packed my things and walked out the door. I couldn't tell her I loved her because the emptiness was in my heart. There was something though, the pain of being with her, or dealing with her, it was lifted. It was gone.
I shook my head. Even if I wanted to go back in there, it wouldn't do any good. The blow had been made. I couldn't see it through her eyes. It was too painful.
I walked to the subway station, and sat down on the cold bench. I swear there was a shooting star that night. I let go of the fight, and though I wasn't with her, I slowly felt the pain begin to numb.
My mind un-weaved, and I started to think through everything. All the drugs, and the pain. The partying and the hurtful words. And Winnie.
"It ends tonight..." I whispered.
And it did.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
1. I found it difficult to really visualize this. What shape is the room in? Are they standing, or is Winnie sitting on the floor in grief? Give me some of those delicious deets.
2. It's unclear what the narrator feels for Winnie and how that emption progresses throughout the piece. You refer to her as a drunkard, and portray her as something disgusting, and describe a very dysfunctional relationship, and yet you have to stifle an urge to kiss her?
3. The dialogue in this needs maintenance. In the opening paragraph, Winnie seems straight-up incensed at first, but in the next bit she makes a very dramatic turn toward grief. In the narrator's successive breakup diatribe, he lists several unrelated and slightly generic reasons (she makes offensive comments, they want different things, things have gotten bad recently), rather than picking one or two big ones to elaborate on. It almost gives me the impression that he's unwilling to tell her the real/most significant reason he's breaking up with her (which by the way is unclear), but he seems honest? It's hard to tell. Rather than inundating the reader with four or five shallow reasons for the breakup, try selecting just a couple, if not one, and elaborating on it. That goes for the whole piece.
4. This story explores pain, but in an inconsistent manner. At one point you say that a weight has been lifted and the pain is gone, but then proceed to tell me how painful it is to look at Winnie, and then mention pain again later. There needs to be a firm line separating the pain from the painlessness.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Hello! I'm kinda new here but I thought I would comment, because everything helps. When I got to the end I was a bit confused, but after rereading it, it started to make sense. It left me wanting to know more, if that makes sense. I know it's a short story but my curiosity is eating away at me.
After "You can't just leave me!" you should capitalize she.
This Winnie sounds like a butt head, but I want to know why the person thought that he couldn't have helped her with her problems.
There are just a lot of questions I had at the end. Like-
Had it been going on for a long time?
Why did Winnie start doing drugs and such?
Had he tried helping her, other than bring up the hurtful things she said?
I'm not really sure if this helps, but other than those few things this is a very good, yet tragic story, (I'm assuming the ending meant he killed himself). Keep it up, you're awesome.
In all honesty, it was a short story based off the song "It Ends Tonight" by AAR, so that's kind of why it picks up and ends where it does. It's supposed to leave the reader wanting more, because I'm notorious for cliffhangers. And no, not all my stories end / begin with suicide, he just left and by the last part saying that "It ends tonight" means that he left and he didn't go back.