The terrifying screams that were coming from the living room were almost too much for Joanna to bear. She clamped her hands down over her little brother's ears, cradling him close to her heart, and praying to God that they would stop the argument. He brother's sobs were almost like a knife slicing through her cold heart.
Tears ran down her face as the television blared behind her. She had locked the door and heard her parents pushing and shoving each other through the house. Her mother's vital screams echoed throughout the dark, stormy August night, only to be muffled by a loud crack of thunder, and then the power went out. Their screams were even more audible, and a crash came from the kitchen. They were breaking dishes again.
A soft rap was on her window, and she ran towards it, hoping it was someone who could help. She looked out the window and only saw her next door neighbor, Kel, who was as old as she was. Her look of hope fell from her face as it idled to disappointment, as a ten year old's face would, and then she smiled again, noticing he was grinning from ear to ear.
Then, she hatched a plan. One that would get her into serious trouble, but a plan that might save at least her and her brother's lives. She looked down at him, as she thought of this plan, taking in the battered and bruised seven year old boy that showed every time lightening struck, who had only wanted his father to play catch with him, and who received a brutal beating.
The tears started forming again as she looked down at the boy grinning at her through the window. She opened it and handed him her brother, looked back at her locked door, down at her bruised brother and then climbed out the window after him, closing it behind her.
She then grabbed her brother's hand in one hand and Kel's hand in the other and the three of them ran down the dirt road to Kel's house, and out of harm's way. The road seemed to be a thousand miles long, but when her parent's screaming was out of ear shot, she was happy to feel safe.
Adrenaline ran through her veins and she slowly pumped her legs to running faster. She grinned at Kel in the dark when they got to his house, and he hugged him tightly. His mother came to them and carried her brother inside and gasped at the sight she saw in the light. She felt soft tears roll down her cheeks as she cleaned him up, put food in his stomach and changed him into cleaner clothes. She then put Joanna's brother to bed, and had called the police, telling them that she had the Mason children with her, and that there was a brutal fight going on in their house. The police assured her that they were on their way and that the children would be put in the system for foster care.
Joanna was still standing out there, holding tightly to Kel's hand, and beaming at him. It was the first time in a long time she had felt proud of doing something for herself, since at home she was always shunned and everything. Kel led her into the house and looked at his mother.
More tears flowed silently down the woman's face as she saw Joanna appear in her kitchen, her own bruises and battle scars shining on her skin. She stared at the two children and in that instant, realized how much they truly cared for each other.
“I promise to take care of you.” Kel finally mustered, looking at her, when his mother walked back to her brother.
Later that night, Joanna was seated in the back seat of a police car with her brother, to be taken to a safer home. One that would hopefully make her feel safer, and one day, she might make it back to her own parents. But one could only hope for a ten year old and a seven year old.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...as far as prologues go, this one is surprisingly powerful here, if maybe a bit faster paced than it should've been. I think you've done a pretty decent job with this piece here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh, this is off to quite a terrible start here...terrible as in the situation, not the start, this is actually a really good one. We're immediately thrust into what appears to be a bit of a conflict with this person who's a bit of a bystander that's fearfully watching things unfold and you really set quite the setting there with the atmosphere you describe and just the general emotions within this person here. It certainly grabs the reader's attention quite well here.
Okay....this goes in an interesting direction there. You can see here desperation for hope in her immediate reaction to the knocking but then her sudden revelation and happiness at a plan forming in her mind is a little out of nowhere, and even if that could be believed, perhaps she's just really good at coming up with crazy plans, but the sudden description of being beaten by a father seems very forced there. It doesn't flow naturally and comes out sounding like something you include just for the author's benefit rather than something she would think. Its a bit odd to include there.
Hmm...well this part does flow smoothly luckily, the previous hiccup seems to be the only issue. It looks like she is in fact rather quick on her feet when thinking of a way to escape, cause that is a pretty smart move, if I was nitpicking I would wonder how this other kid just showed up at the perfect time but otherwise, this is a nice little plan here.
Hmm, this part flows past a little bit on the quicker side there...but I suppose there isn't too much detail to focus on. I was hoping for maybe a little more on the emotional side from Joanna though. I feel like maybe it transitions a little too quickly from the earlier emotions to a point where things are just kinda being narrated that the police are coming and that whole part.
Hmm...well Kel's little gesture there is a pretty touching moment. You can see that maybe being neighbors and all, these two were perhaps good friends. The moments being described there with everything being resolved is pretty nice too. I still feel like perhaps the moment was a little too rushed, you could've capitalized a lot more on the kind of emotions at play here rather than diving right into the resolution of the issue, but its done okay.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a pretty decent piece as it stands. There are few places that could be improved here and there, but as it is, I do find myself wanting to read more of this story here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry