Otherland - Chapter 1

Hey Quinn!! Chem here to give you a review on this great first chapter!
First of all, welcome to YWS <3 hope you’ve been enjoying it so far! This is an awesome first work, and you’ve done a good job giving the reader some intrigue. With a first chapter, what you want to do is reel the reader in, and I was definitely impressed with how well you did that.
As a whole I just want to help you a little with punctuation. Wherever needed, it’s great to have a comma, period, exclamation mark or question mark--especially when finishing dialogue. A good rule of thumb is that when you’re ending dialogue and following it with a dialogue tag (she said, she whispered, she shouted) is to use a comma instead of a period. Just nitpicky things!
I love how you use creative dialogue tags, though--they immediately make me imagine just how the characters are saying things.
It’s also useful to show how the character is talking by using commas--when they would pause, especially.
I also agree with Messenger that the first few lines could be tweaked a little! Imagine how you would react to a bird taking your necklace, or perhaps a friend: would you immediately think of the origin of the necklace? Probably not, because you’d be a bit surprised at it.
The last paragraph confuses me a little. I’d make your character seem a little more surprised at falling, rather than talking like they know what’s happening.
Plus, the last part was pretty weirdly formatted, which is fine, but might be odd when you’re writing a strictly prose piece.
Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this!! I hope you post more chapters soon, I’m quite curious
Keep writing!
<3, chem

Hello Quinn. I see you've only been here a few months, so let me welcome you to YWS! The way I review is to go chronologically through some specifics you've written, and then give some general thoughts on the piece.

" Her necklace!" I yelp in surprise turning to look for it in the grass.

This is her sister's necklace, as we find out later, which she presumably has been wearing for some time. I think saying MY necklace, or just some exclamation, would make more sense for such a sudden loss. Also, you need a comma after "surprise."

It kind of puts me in a trance, untill the crow nodded at me and jumped backward, disappearing from sight.

Two things: 1. "it kind of puts me into a trance" feels weak, for it being a first-person story. An outsider may say she looks like she went into a trance, but what does Persephone feel in that moment? What does going into a trance do to one's perception? Does she become light-headed, does she feel compelled to go toward it? Does it give off heat or a smell? Do the colors mesmerize her or make her unstable on her feet if she tries to stand still? 2. You switch up tense in the second phrase. It's the only time we go into past tense, so just switch "nodded" and "jumped" to nods and jumps. If it's meant to imply that the crow goes through the doorway, that wasn't very clear to me.

Now I really have to think, worry my family or go after the one thing I have left of my sister. My sister, my guiding light, maybe the crow stole the necklace by fate.

These two sentences are a bit messy. I would change the first comma to a semicolon, and put a question mark at the end of the first sentence. The second isn't actually a sentence, but a run-on. "My sister, my guiding light" could be changed into italics and put as a thought if you wished. If you did that, I would put it on its own line.

I run head first into the doorway and a cold feeling invelops me. Maybe curiosity does kill the cat? Floating in the swirls, I try to relax, take in my surroundings.

"invelops" should be envelops. Also, your line about the cat seems to be another line that could be made as a thought. If you have a lot of lines like that I suppose you don't have to italicize them, but you still could if you wanted to have that distinction. The last sentence is a comma splice: you need to add an "and" after "relax" or change "take" to taking so your tenses match.

JUst floating in the same colors of the doorway.

"JUst" U needs to be lower case.

After contemplating my suroundings everything holding me up, lets go, as if this weird dimension was giving me time to think.

"suroundings" needs a second R. The comma after "me up" should be moved to after "surroundings".

I'm not sure how I feel about the wild formatting of the last few lines. I suppose it causes a sense of chaos, but it doesn't seem to follow any sort of internal logic. I would probably tone it down a bit, because it's also difficult to read.

Overall, this is a nice, snappy opening. There are definitely some good questions you've raised as hooks. Who is her sister? Is this raven sentient, or perhaps not even a raven? Why is a portal opening up, and where does it lead? Why is her necklace so important that she jumped in without hesitation to get it back? Did the Raven know she would pursue, and does that mean it knows about her sister's past? I didn't get a good sense of the time period though. There is SO little dialogue and description, that I genuinely don't know if we are are 1525 or 2025.
I got a bit nitpicky, but when I was 16 it helped me focus on cleaning up the technical aspects of my writing which help the rest of it flow, and gave readers an easier time following the story, so I hope you take it out of good nature If you would like to add me to your reading list. I'm happy to follow along.

~Messy