His fingers are tangled in my hair and I feel his breath against my lips. He kisses me softly and surely piecing together my broken heart.
"I love you." I whisper in between kisses.
"I love you more than life." he whispers back. We part and I look into his deep brown eyes. He looks sad, much different from how he usually looks. He slips his fingers in between mine and holds our hands up to his face, resting them against his cheek.
"I'm gonna miss you Amira." he sighs dropping my hand.
"I'll miss you too." I say trying to put a smile on my face despite his apparent sadness. He gives me a sad smile.
"You don't know do you?" he hesitates, "Do you remember?"
I shake my head, but I know what he means.
"You can wake up now Amira. You'll be okay." he tells me.
"Wait!" I exclaim and the world fades back into view.
I pull against the straight jacket restraining my arms. Tears fall down my face and I thrash around. I scream and yell but I don't know if they can hear me.
"Shut up." says a man's voice as he makes a move to hold me down.
"No!." I screech as another person plunges a needle into my neck. I scream and scream but I feel the medicine settling in.
"Come back." I murmur as the room disappears.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
First off welcome since this is your first story if I am not mistaken, so again here's a warm welcome or as warm as one can be over text.
Now lets get into your story. The story is a "classic" bait and switch which works well structurally. At first I thought this would be about a couple moving away from each other or something so the bait part was setup well, congrats! You got me. You also manage to setup the relationship well in the first few sentences, as it feels intimate and "real".
But I think the switch part of the bait and switch could use some refining. Usually its best to make the switch as abrupt as possible so the reader is caught by complete surprise. I think you could trim some lines before the reveal to get more of a shock moment. You could leave out ""Wait!" I exclaim and the world fades back into view." For example which would make the switch become even more unexpected.
The ending I think is great again the last sentence brings another kind of horror to the reader one that lasts longer then the shock moment and gives them something to ponder after finishing the text.
Overall I think this is a great first story and I hope to read more soon.
This was great. Vivid and interesting little plot bunny.
I'm left wondering how it all goes down, really, which is my only gripe with this is that even for a short story it feels like it needs a bit more. Perhaps as sun said, a bit more time between the dream and reality.
Give us a bit more context, build up the dread and suspense more before you cut to black!
Overall excellent!
Whoa! This was really cool and kinda creepy at the end. At first, I thought it was just a super emotional goodbye, like maybe he was leaving for war or something. But then—BAM!—she wakes up in a straightjacket?! That was wild. I didn’t see it coming at all!
I really liked how you made the beginning all soft and sweet. It made me feel like they really loved each other. But then when he said, "You don’t know, do you?" I got super curious. What does she not know?!
The ending was kinda scary, but in a good way. I could totally picture her freaking out, and the part where she says "Come back." right before passing out made me sad. I wanna know more! Who was the guy? Was he real? Or just a dream? And why is she in that place??
It was really good, but maybe you could make the switch between the dream and real life just a tiny bit slower so it’s even more dramatic. But overall, I LOVED it! Super cool and mysterious! :0
:3 I LOVED IT!