E - Everyone

Prince of Silk: Chapter IV - Excuse Slip

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DAISHAN DRIPPED WITH SWEAT as he finished training. His favorite weapon was the bow and arrow, the traditional weapon to his kind, but he was also good with a spear or staff, which was the common weapon that they used in training. 

It had been hard to keep everyone under control as he conducted drills before dinner, for everyone was abuzz with excitement and gossip about Mian and the prince she spoke of. He had to admit, it had been hard to focus for him too, but he tried his best to be the leader Rahiam wanted him to be. It was his responsibility.

He walked to the mess hall alongside Zary Julair, a lanky boy, and Saviel Rubyon, a short but strong girl from Rhoan, the capital city in Skaya. Daishan was taller and bulkier than both of them, and his large pair of wings made him stand out even more.

Like everything seemed to be in Varvona, the mess hall was constructed of pale sandstone, with many large windows that could easily be removed to allow fresh air to filter in the room. The spring breeze was a welcome relief as the sweat on Daishan’s face cooled and dried. The hall was in the shape of a large half-oval, collumns surrounding the curved part, with a view of the city and the bay. The Varvona faction of the Silk Order was not in the main city. It was on the outskirts, as to keep civilians and spies a distance away. 

The sun was the point of a golden rod melting into the water. The building they trained in used to be a school for the Blessed, those with powers given by the three Goddesses; Armina, mother of the Wardiers, Petra, mother of the Naturals, and Musa, mother of the Muses. Their symbols were carved into the stone of the collumns, a sword, leaf, and lyre. Varvona was a highly religious city.

“Hey, Daishan, could you get us up in the line with your like, status, or whatever? I’m starving,” Zary put his hands on his narrow hips and huffed at the long line of youth and instructors waiting for dinner. From the smell, Daishan could easily recognize a smoked aroma with spice, possibly garlic powder and ground ginger... fish, like usual, for Varvona was rich in its fishing industry.

“As much as you could use the food, I’m not allowed to do that,” Daishan replied as they stepped into the line. The serving counter stuck out of the ancient building like a modern piece added far after the original construction took place. It was probably built when the temple was turned into a school for the Blessed. “It looks like the line’s moving pretty fast anyway.”

“Daishan, are you on night patrol around the base tonight?” Saviel asked. Her face was egg-shaped, her eyes slightly uneven with light brown skin and matching curly hair pulled into a ponytail. She was pretty.

Daishan smiled at the question. She wants to hang out with me? His smile faded as he recalled his plans. “Yes, why?”

Before she could respond, Daishan felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Jalar, the head of the night patrol committee.

“Hey, Shan, Rah – uh, Jur Eastesa said that you’re excused from patrol for tonight, and he said for you to pick up your excuse slip in his office now,” he said in his Versian accent, shrugging.

“Now?” Daishan asked. No, never question your superiors. “Ok, yeah, I’ll go there now.”

Before he left, he turned towards Saviel, and raised his eyebrows.

“Oh, nothing. Go,” She said shaking her head and waving her hands towards the door.

Rahiam was not the only one in the office. There were 4 people there besides Rahiam. A conversation seemed to stop abruptly as soon as he knocked on the door. It was opened by Captain Mercesa herself, the leader of the Varvona faction and one of the most high-ranking members in the Silk Order as a whole. In the room was also a group of warriors older than him, that he recognized, but did not see often. 

The office was golden in the setting sun, light pouring over scattered maps and writing utensils. There was an opening without glass serving as a window, with books holding papers down as paperweights. There were no bookshelves, instead there were a few closed chests and books stacked on the floor. The walls were quite bare.

“Daishan, there you are,” Rahiam said from his standing position behind his desk.

“Yes... I came here for my excuse slip for tonight’s patrol.” Daishan discreetly observed the members present in the room, silent and watching him.

“Oh? Oh, yes. You’re not going on patrol for tonight,” Rahiam said, walking out from behind his desk. Daishan reached outwards for his slip.

Rahiam looked at his hand, then made eye contact. They were about the same height.

“We’re going to kidnap Zenith Maddah.” The room seemed to release its breath, as in Rahiam telling Daishan the truth was his inauguration to the group. Daishan hesitated, confused. Heat rose to his face.

“Am I supposed to know who that is?” A kidnapping? That does not sound ethical.

“Zenith Maddah is the heir to the throne of Portalverse, and you’re part of the group that’s out to retrieve him for us. He’s obviously been brainwashed by Rolovan and has been acting as his personal servant for years. Our job is to take him back to where he belongs, restore his memory, and get him on the throne. Petra has been the first to show her anger at the current state of our Verse, with seaside towns and rivers flooding all over, along with other natural disasters that are detrimental to our economy. Although it will hinder Rolovan’s troops, it also hinders ours and kills countless civilians. We don’t want to see what Armina and Musa have in store for us,” Captain Mercesa explained as she leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. She had shaved brown hair with thick eyebrows shadowing her green eyes. Her tense jaw was square and serious, as were her muscles visible through her instructor’s uniform.

Daishan’s heart skipped a beat, almost forgetting the disturbing facts he’d just learned. My first real mission, he thought and grinned. “I will not fail you, Captain,” he promised.

“No need to get dramatic, boy,” she said. “You could easily die on this trip. If you fail, someone else will succeed for you.” Rahiam glared at her out of the corner of his eye.

“Daishan, you’ll be ok. We’ve wasted enough time; we need to get you guys out there soon. Hadle Mian told us that before she came here, she heard that he would have a mission here today, this evening. Parth will explain what you are to do on the way,” he said and gestured to a lean fellow with dusty hair wrapped into a short ponytail. He had deep under-eye circles. He smiled grimly. Daishan returned it, more of a scrunch of his lips to the side than an actual smile.

Rahiam dismissed them, and they embarked on the mission that would change the fate of Portalverse itself.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Right last chapter that you've posted so let's get this reviewed! Feel free to message me if you ever decide to continue this novel or you want a review on something else you're working on and I'd be happy to have a look.

DAISHAN DRIPPED WITH SWEAT as he finished training.

I just really love that you've used this formatting style!

He had to admit, it had been hard to focus for him too, but he tried his best to be the leader Rahiam wanted him to be. It was his responsibility.

This is really nicely in keeping with his character and shows it well.

Like everything seemed to be in Varvona, the mess hall was constructed of pale sandstone, with many large windows that could easily be removed to allow fresh air to filter in the room. The spring breeze was a welcome relief as the sweat on Daishan’s face cooled and dried. The hall was in the shape of a large half-oval, collumns surrounding the curved part, with a view of the city and the bay. The Varvona faction of the Silk Order was not in the main city. It was on the outskirts, as to keep civilians and spies a distance away.

The sun was the point of a golden rod melting into the water. The building they trained in used to be a school for the Blessed, those with powers given by the three Goddesses; Armina, mother of the Wardiers, Petra, mother of the Naturals, and Musa, mother of the Muses. Their symbols were carved into the stone of the collumns, a sword, leaf, and lyre. Varvona was a highly religious city.

I just want to comment here because in previous chapters I've noticed that you tend to offer a whole lot of description and information in one chunk and it can be overwhelming for the reader. Here, I think you've actually done this really well. It's descriptive but still focussed and doesn't jump around to lots of different points. I really liked these paragraphs!

“Zenith Maddah is the heir to the throne of Portalverse, and you’re part of the group that’s out to retrieve him for us. He’s obviously been brainwashed by Rolovan and has been acting as his personal servant for years. Our job is to take him back to where he belongs, restore his memory, and get him on the throne. Petra has been the first to show her anger at the current state of our Verse, with seaside towns and rivers flooding all over, along with other natural disasters that are detrimental to our economy. Although it will hinder Rolovan’s troops, it also hinders ours and kills countless civilians. We don’t want to see what Armina and Musa have in store for us,” Captain Mercesa explained as she leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. She had shaved brown hair with thick eyebrows shadowing her green eyes. Her tense jaw was square and serious, as were her muscles visible through her instructor’s uniform.

I'd split this into a couple of paragraphs to make it cleaner. Also, see if you can find a more natural way to bring up her description, or if you don't need to then perhaps don't! Allow the reader to use their imagination :)

Other than that though, I really like this chapter! It's a shame you're not continuing but at least you have something good you can think about picking back up one day!

Have a great day :)

Icy

User avatar
Euphory
Review

Hiiiii!! I like how everything is starting to come together now! We've been introduced to Daishan now and his friends, Zary and Saviel!

Your desciptions were spot on! I loved the mess hall that you described and the way you write the characters is good as well! Just be careful and know when you're using too little description and too much description!

I like how when get peeks into Daishan's thought processes every now and then! Really brings his character to life!

You've also shown us Varvona, telling us about its culture, its architecture etc. Details like these really make us fall in love with it!

And everything's beginning to connect as Daishan is now going on a mission to save Zen, the character we had been given insight into before!

Overall, great work!! Thank you for sharing and keep growing <3

Thank you so much for the feedback.

You're welcome!



The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller