dagger in my heart

Ooh I must say, that the title is very catchy, that's what made me want to read it because love horror and graphic bloody things. The language you used really made it seem more realistic, which i really loved, having said that i am a little disapointed that it is very short, also it isnt set out like a poem. overall brilliant language but a little short.

Not going to repeat what everyone else said but.... re-formatting and fixing a few gramatical errors can really make or break a poem. I agree the flow is nice choppy because it helps express the emotion of the poem, but you can still have that even when it is formatted properly. Overall I like it, it's the first poem like it that I have read here on YWS.

Keep it up
~Speakerskat

I completely agree with Kaylyn's structure idea. I think it would be brilliant with this poem. There are a few minor grammar things, like capitalizing the "i" and adding the o to "yu". Also, I think I'd use "sharply" instead of "painfully", just because all of the others have two syllables and that consistency would be marvelous.
I'd leave in the "happy" and "sweetly", actually, and use them in the same format of
pierce into me:
Deeply
So then it would look like
You stabbed me, dear:
Sweetly
As you go on with your life:
Happy
Just remember you:
Killed me

I really like the kind of choppy flow of this piece. It's abrupt and concise. Nicely done!

O.K. So here are a few things:

Form/Structure/Flow:
Here is a suggestion of putting your poem into a form.

Pierce into me,
Deeply:
Make me bleed,
Softly rip my flesh,
Painfully:
I love the pain yu bring. [Should be you]
Tears in my eyes,
Quickly:
You stabbed me dear,
As you continue your life [I took the liberty of taking out happy and sweetly, also changed a few words]
Just remember you killed me [Add period (after all this is the end)]
These are just some suggestion to help with the form and the flow.

Grammar:
Just fix out the grammar I pointed out. I also capitalized some of your words.

Misc:
For the most part the flow is ok, but I definately would recommend that you change the last line, the last word. It kind of ends with a THUD. Finish out strong.

Content:
O.K. so you did use some imagery here, but I think that you could add so much more! Make us feel so much more! I think you may be leaning a little more towards cliche, but I think this can be fixed.I think you should steer clear from this, otherwise it's something that everyone else has heard. Make it your own!

It has potential but it needs work. Take this review and the reviews below it and it should shape up tremendously! If you need any help or have any questions, feel free to message me. Good luck and keep writing.
~Kay

You have some good imagery and emotion here but the structure and grammar aspects are lacking big time! Remember to split your lines up and form stanzas--this helps the flow of the poem and doesn't leave the reader wondering where one line ends and the next begins. The simplest way to do this is to read your poem aloud and wherever you naturally take a pause insert a space!

Also, watch your spelling and capitalize the beginning letter of each line that you form unless it carries on into the next line. Good luck with your revisions!

Qmj;

A little more structure (as mentioned) would definitly help this poem out. But, beside the fact it's very sporadic, it's quite cute. Although the 'yu' bothered me a little. Protip: Try and proofread your work before you post it.

Keeping writing, there is always room for improvements!

Well first of all if this is a poems the it should be under poetry and it should made into stanzas, not paragraphs. Better yet you should really sort out your spacing, kid. Remember: one space in between sentences and words, and one space after commas. You have portential. You just have to show it a little better.
Anyway, this was difficult to read because of the stucture and grammar errors. But I think you can do better.

I thought it had good imagery, but maybe a little more structure

Hi Roxy here!

The reading of this piece was quite difficult due to the structure and gramatical errors, so I'll run through some of those first!
The first "p" should be capatalized, as its the start of the sentence.
The poem should probably be more of a drop down idea rather than sentences all together,for example: "Pierce into me, deeply
make me bleed,
softly rip my flesh,painfully." Or something to that effect!

You were a little careless with your grammer and spelling, for example "I" should be capital, "you" is spelt incorrectly and youre missing out on several commas, so maybe run through it again and sort these out!

The concept of the poem was good, but I felt that it was a bit short and rushed, I think that you could expand and make this a great piece!
Keep on writing!