Young Writers Society

Sorry, posted twice. Oops.

Hey,
This is great! I really like this, it is dark and grim but also beautiful at the same time.
So now time to criticise and hopefully help

Firstly,
I don't like the repetition of 'blood on my tombstone' at the start of the stanzas. The thing is that you don't use it on the 3rd stanza. Now, this isn't really bad or anything, but the fact that you haven't really used it through out feels as if it no longer holds any meaning, that you are just throwing it in when you feel like it, it no longer holds any meaning.

Secondly,
You have this dark poem that has so much potential to convey a great message but you over do it. It is beautiful and dark but you loose a lot of what makes it so great in trying to make it dark. Just keep that thought in mind for next time.

Thirdly,
The last line, especially the 'I'VE DIED', just erks me? You don't need to capitalise words in order to put emphasis on them. If you write well enough the reader will know they are important. It just detracts from the rest of the poem.

Anyway, great job. It is a good poem.
Keep writing
Nargles xxx

I just don't get it.

Maybe it's my own ignorance. Maybe it's Maybelline. But we'll just proceed.

I enjoy the obscure visions of darker poetry [that Dickinson girl is bomb], but in this one, I think you're getting a little lost in the spirit of it as opposed to concerning yourself with what is actually being said. What I mean is that it feels like you're going for a "dark poem" which can be observed by the often overdone exploration of blood/death/graveyard. You're starting off with an already seriously overdone setting/space/topic, so what the poems lacks in original subject should be compensated for in its creative thoughts on it. I mean, you even described it as "a good poem." But instead of insight, I'm getting a weird visual of someone in possession of a tombstone, watching blood on it, using a dark tone, then saying they've died. I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean to ME, but from it, I've acquired nothing. In fact, I'm not even sure what this is supposed to mean to the narrator. I mean we see they've "DIED," all caps, so presumably that's important, but is it really? Death is one of the most ordinary topics imaginable considering everything does it. So I really expect when a person talks about it to make it hold some sort of significance.

I suppose what I suggest is just to take your infatuation with dark writing and apply it to real thoughts, real emotions from you, not these fabricated ones involving commonly used dark subjects or dramatic adjectives for the sake of "emotion."

Hey, Qmj! My name is Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya today!

Let's jump right in, shall we?

I agree that the formatting threw me off at first, but I understand that you did not do it intentionally! *mumbles something about stupid technology* I'll just ignore the format, because it it something that you could not have controlled about your post.

Immediately, the poem hooks me in. I must admit, I am not a fan of the horror genre. However, your work caught my attention, and begged me to read on. Why is there blood on the character's tombstone? Has this person already died? I wondered. There is a strong sense of dread and foreboding you have shaped into the first handful of lines.

I was slightly confused at the third line, though. "My hand took it and engraved..." Your hand took what? The tombstone? The blood? It was unclear as to what the character was grabbing. Secondly, I did not think that rhyming "grave" with "engrave" was a wise decision, because they are practically the same word. (Not meaning-wise, but the way that the two words are spelled.) You are the poet, however. You make the final choice. That was simply one of my nit picks.

"...Upon my heart. Where I once felt home..." Personally, I appreciate how you added in, "Where I once felt home." It contributes to the growing idea that the narrator of this poem is no longer living. However, the period after "heart" suddenly halts the phrase in an odd, unnatural manor. These two lines should flow together smoothly because they are a connected idea, instead of breaking off. The natural flow of the phrase should probably continue after "Upon my heart".

Next, in the part "...Sips through my grave. Trying to bring me alive...", the word "slips" would make more sense than "sips" here. Also, the period chops up the two lines instead of ushering them on. Consider swapping that period for a comma again. Punctuation can make all the difference.

I have two more nit picks, then I'm done. Haha I noticed immediately that you have used "its" twice, when the correct form is "it's". Since "its" shows possession of an object, and the contraction "it's" (it is) makes more sense, "it's" is the proper choice. It is a common mistake, so don't fret! All you have to do is add an apostrophe!!!

Overall, this was an eery poem that painted the exact scene you wanted to portray: death. Except for a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, all in all it was fairly good. Cheers, and write on!

With warmest regards,
---Storm

Gosh i wish this was formatted properly. I don't know what inspired me to write this poem but I loves that it has a catchy ring to it. I 'M technically killing myself because it wasn't formatted good. It looks a bit confusing but I hope people get it.

wow...........it's a nicely constructed poem but will you re-design it in a poetic way. i mean it seems as if it's a story despite of poem. the grammer is good, rhyming scheme is also nice, but design it in abcab form or ab ab...... i hope u will understand these technicalities.

overall, awesome stuff! write some more. i like this! one more thing this work sounds gothic ....will you write some stuff which ends up with positive note.?