I expressed the depressed thought I ocassionally have, this is the result:
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Aside glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my heart's a screw?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart, kind breeze,
For you'll not find it amongst these trees.
It's scattered across the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting under the gentle rain,
As a symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No - gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply, it has been torn apart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello there.
I feel like I shall review a poem! Ahem, just before you take any of my comments to heart, let me remind you I am not qualified to do this! I actually just posted my first poem, and I have no experience in poetry!
Let is begin!
I. NIT-PICKING
It rhymes! But it doesn't make sense. I am a bland person and sorry if I take things literally, but truly your heart can't be a screw. Do you mean 'a skew'? It would make a bit more sense.
I do love this, and I believe it does work, but the only small comment I will make is that I thought you said before that 'below the branches, here about, do you not sense my fear and doubt?' so technically it would be below the trees! Aha!
It works anyways, that is me just trying to be nit-picky to an already great piece.
I love this. I have to admit. It makes me feel your pain. But that also could possible be helped with the tormenting piano music I like listening to when I review...
Ahem, I love this rhyme surely and it truly makes it effective, but I must comment on 'drifting under the gentle rain'. That sentence just doesn't seem to work for me, because I cannot see how truly it can drift under the gentle rain...
You could possible say something about drifting with, or contaminating it... I don't really know. Your clever. You can figure something out.
Oh dear, it seems I am in love with this stanza.
I personally do not think the 'No' is needed. It doesn't seem to flow right with it. Try to find a place to add in that extra syllable. Otherwise I enjoy this ending.
II. OVERALL
I really did like this piece. It was incredibly said with the very emotional piano I am listening. It portrayed the emotions well and the metaphors and hidden meanings seemed to be great. It tells a positive story.
Your rhyming is beautiful. It seems almost effortless except for that one part when you found the wrong word with 'screw'. I believe you should write more poetry.
I am someone who tends not to like poetry and has not taken any lessons, but still my opinion should count and I believe it was well done. Just fix up the errors that the other people told you also and it would be perfect.
~Incognito
Hey again!
I'm just dropping by to comment,
'Cause I'm not a poetry expert.
But judging from your poems so far,
I believe you have a flair for poetry,
Especially when its based on your personal feelings and experiences.
You flow and rhyming seems near effortless,
And unlike others, it doesn't give me the impression of being forced.
I noticed you have a certain style of writing...but I can't put my finger on what it is XD
Anyway, sorry I couldn't be of much help,
But yeah, I like your poems
~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
This poem had a good (in this case sad) atmosphere that was carried out well, and you used your metaphors better than in your earlier poems. The flow is mostly excellent, and none of the lines seem too forced. Yet, there are a couple of things that come to mind.
Hmm... this line feels vague. What do you mean with the "side"? I can't quite get what it's supposed to mean. Try to clarify this line if possible. Do you perhaps mean "aside"?This line I don't understand either. And even if I did, I think the "hearts" is supposed to be "heart's".
This line should have a comma after the heart.
In my opinion, the second line is a tad bit too short for the first one, and disrupts the flow a little.
here you should have an "a" after the "as", but then it'd interrupt the flow a bit. Hmm... you have to add the "a" so you'd have to think of something to make the previous line a tiny bit longer.
Other than those, there was scarcely little to complain, and it was overall an excellent poem.
*sorry for my pitiful review*
I only have three words to say...
I loved it!
I absolutly loved this! A few tweaks and it will genuinly be as good as anything you find published! *claps lots*. Right, I'll go through it line by line as theres no general criticisms just the odd bits and bobs.
I hope all of that made sense, none of it is necessary so pick and choose according to your preference. I must say again I think this is absolutly wonderful. I would not hesitate to read it again.
Chloseph
Hi Kala! Welcome to YWS!
Oh dear, this is a wonderful piece! I must say, I completely adored it!
A few nit-picks:
In my opinion, it would sound better like: Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
I don't know if they rhyme... they resemble each other, but sound awkward, which kind of ruins the flow...
How a terrible review! I hope someone could help you more. You're rhyming and stanza scheme, made this adorable. I loved it
*Kat*
PM me if you need anything!