I'm not that good in english poetry(still), but i'm trying my best(please review):
Around the corner I have a friend,
in this great city that has no end.
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
and before I know it, a year is gone.
I never see my old friend's face,
for life is swift and a terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well,
as in the days when I rang his bell.
Tomorrow, I say, I will call on Jim...
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
and the vast distance between us grows.
Just around the corner!- yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram mam, for Jim died today."
That's what we get and deserve in the end;
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
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uuhhhmmm. That was soooooo incredibly cute and awesome at the same time.!! But it was also kinda sad how you said that everyday went by and everyday that went by was one less day for everything. And for anything to happen.
hey this poem is very good. i agree with all the comments above.
[Qoute]Tomorrow, I say, I will call on Jim...
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
and the vast distance between us grows.[/Quote]
i love this bit
Hi again,
I'm not a poetry expert, but I'll point out one thing:
A telegram, informing you that Jim died?
Telegrams are normally sent during/after wars or for something important,
To the most immediate, surviving family of the deceased and such,
Not to a best friend, who hardly keeps in touch.
But I could be wrong.
I'm just being very accurate with the english here XD
Going by dictionary definition.
Oh, and I normally spell it as ma'am, not mam.
Not sure if there's a fixed spelling for the short form of madam.
Yup.
It was a rather contemplative poem,
Nicely written, the rhyming doesn't seem forced,
Which is good in poetry. It flows.
So overall, I think you did fine
I'm not exactly the best judge of poetry though.
~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
Thanks alot guys! I've fixed aspects that needed fixing now- it does look and sound better now that I corrected it after your comments=) Great reviews
This was already a lot better than your first poem. It is longer, though not unnecessarily long, it has better rhyming, and flows better.
Hmm... I didn't like this line. For me it seems unclear what you're referring to here. Then again, it could be just me, and the rhyming is quite good.I think the ellipses are unnecessary, get rid of them. And the "on" seems like a peculiar choice of word...
maybe change it (yes, I notice the peculiarity) into "to"?
here the "huge" seems... so ordinary. I'm sure you can come up with a more colourful word.
the dot is supposed to be before the quotation mark. I didn't quite like this part, for the second line seems awkward and forced so it would rhyme with the first one.
Then again I liked this ending. oh and do fix Thats into "That's".
Overall, a good poem with few small errors that can easily be fixed. You have, in my opinion, improved compared to your first poem. The rhyming was generally excellent, and it was certainly not a torture to read this.
I have never read anything like it.
I feel the same way, with all of my friends. I like how you cleverly added the rhyming words; it doesn't seem forced at all! Did that really happen to you or was it just figuratively? Sorry if its rude to ask.
Gold star!
okay that was pretty good! I like the emotions you expressed out to the readers, the best paragraph was:
_________________________________________
Just around the corner!- yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram mam, for Jim died today".
Thats what we get and deserve in the end;
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
_________________________________________
I don't really know why I likes that paragraph but I did. Also you should correct the Thats into That's, other wise this poem was really good you deserve a star!
Hi! Let's review this, shall we?
Toss the And at the beginning, for it isn't needed.
Move the "a" from before terrible, to before swift. A very, very small issue, but it still adds improvement!
This can be broken up into two lines where the comma is, but that would mess up the pattern, wouldn't it? I had an idea. break it into two sentences, and then this line at the end;
can also be two lines! The first and last stanza can have 5 lines while the rest have 4. It still keeps a nice format that way!
Try it like this;
"Here's a telegram sir, for Jim died today."
Better? Try it!
OK, like I said, break that last line into two lines. Also, try the previous line more like this;
"(toss the And) That's what we get and deserve in the end, (make the period a comma)
Eventually (instead of around the corner),
a lost friend. (make 'vanished' into 'lost')
I hope this helps! Nice rhyming, for I am a huge fan of the rhyme style!