Here he comes. It’s our turn. No one is really here anymore except those stragglers still pulling out of the parking lot. No one left to see the horror on my father’s face when he sees that it can’t be Beth.
The beast with fire power pulls a lever to our right and the cage starts jerking to the ground. She isn’t moving. Is she unconscious? No, her hand is still white. Her cage lands with a crash and her grip slips. She picks her head up, and through the cuts and bruises, her face is deadly pale. Her filthy brown skirt billows slightly, exposing emaciated calves.
He bends down and unlocks her cage, throwing the door back. The metal bars crash and Sparrow cringes.
“Out!” the man bellows.
Strangely enough, this is as close to cheerful as I have seen him all day. When Sparrow doesn’t move, he reaches in and pulls her out by the arm and drops her on the ground. She rolls for a second, and manages to prop herself up on her arms.
“Stand!”
What is he doing? Is he trying to kill her? With a look of anger, she pulls herself to a limp. With nothing to hold on to, her legs crumble from underneath her and she lets out a gasp of pain. The soldier yanks her up by her shirt and whispers something in her ear. A look of pure fury spreads over her face, but she doesn’t struggle. He throws her back against her cage, and for the first time, she screams.
“This is your new child, do with her what you will. She is highly dangerous an is not to be trusted.” How long has he practiced this little speech? He doesn’t even look at us as he talks. He’s too busily tearing off her shackles. “As a gift for your own protection, we are allowing you to keep the electric shock collar. We advise you to keep it on her at all times.” He reaches for her skirt and pulls it up to reveal the lump that has been staining her clothes red.
“What is that?” whispers mom.
“This, my lady, is the devise that has stopped her from running out into the crowd and killing us all.” From the loop on his hip, he detaches a key. He inserts it into the thick band of metal encircling her thigh. It clicks and separates into four pieces, falling to the ground. Sparrow screams again, and for a moment we all see the pencil-width holes in her leg. “She’s yours. Enjoy,” he says with a sinister smile.
He pushes her by the shoulder into me and hands dad the remote to the collar. He gives us one last dirty look and walks off.
Sparrow’s body falls limp as she clings to my neck. This is my chance. But what if I’m wrong and she’s a murderer? I-
“Beth?” I blurt out.
She looks up at me with wide eyes. Her mouth begins to slip open and for the first time she really looks at me.
“Emma? Emma Jones?” she says hesitantly. Now it’s my turn for wide eyes. It is her. “Oh my God, it is you!”
“She hugs me now in earnest and sobs into my shoulder. Looking up again, she says, “Your parents are doctors, yes?” I nod fervently. “Don’t let them take me to the hospital. You’ll be arrested.” Her voice, it’s so weak.
My dad taps my arm to tell me to get back to the car, but Beth is already unconscious.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Yup, I'm back! Let's have a look:
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The "Is she unconscious? No, her hand is still white" is very vague. I was wondering exactly what you meant until I realised that it was the white-knuckle grip you were referring to. Try a more direct approach, like "Is she unconscious? No, her hand is still gripping the bar" for clarity.
"The beast with fire power pulls a lever to our right." That sentence bothers me. I wondered what the "beast" was for a few seconds. Used in that combination, it conjures up a picture of a dragon coming into the picture!
Devise is a verb. The noun should be device.
Oh, and look at this! "Oh my God, it is you!” They don't know what a church is, so where did that come from? Unless it's just a remnant of language from the olden days.
Found a typo! Your second-last paragraph starts with quotation marks where there should be none.
Otherwise, very good. I like the action that has come along, the flow has improved, but the characters still have not quite formed in my mind. That will need some work.
Well done! On to the next piece...
Awwww... last one! I'll make this critique a good one, eh?
Why does she say this? Clue us in!
I think it would be better if you had her try to stand, but she would fail, and then he just jerks her up.
Typo in there! The word "an" should be "and."
Wouldn't her parents ask to clarify? In any case, this seems like an oddly personal statement that the guard shares. Why is she special out of all the 80+ people there? Not that you have to answer this at once, lol, but it is a question that popped into my head!
This may just be me, but it seems weird that he would give them a sinister smile. After all, isn't this routine for the guard by now? Or is he just naturally sadistic? It seems weird, in any case.
What about the parents' reactions? You should describe that too! I think they would be freaked out that Sparrow is so close to their daughter. If I were the dad, I would totally press that awful button, lol.
Comma splice error! Fix it.
Anyway! If you couldn't tell already, I really really like your story and I really really think you should continue it. And you should especially post more of it. It's really really good. I know you said that you were a little rough since you haven't written in a while but... well... this stuff is fantastic. Keep going!
And tell me when you post more, okay?