As I watch others place their bids and wave about their filthy cards, I become more certain. That is Beth.
Turning to my Dad, “Who are we buying?”
“I’m not sure yet.” His voice is cold and angry. He wants to be here even less than I do.
“How ‘bout her?” I say, pointing to Beth.
His entire body tenses and turns towards me. “Are you insane?” he whispers. “She-”
“Dad, that’s Beth. I know it’s her.”
“That was years ago. And besides, she’s a convict. I will not have a damn convict in my house.”
“Yea, but if we don’t, who will? They’re gunna kill her!” His lips tighten. He knows us. He knows the statistics. “Please Dad! Look at her, she is already dying. You can save her!” Come on, Dad, please say yes!
“She’s your responsibility, and if she steps so much as a toe out of line, you’re the one being punished. Do you hear me?”
“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”
My mother watches with fear in her eyes. Her soft red hair frames a tear-streaked face, but she doesn’t say a word.
The hours float by with the giddy expectation of being reunited with my best friend. Level ones and twos go by quickly as people rush to get an innocent child. Threes and fours go even faster as the fear of getting a true criminal sets in.
The boys go first. Dean, the first prisoner, goes to an unwilling family of four. The second boy, Ethan, is taken by a single man in his late twenties who looks like he wants to take the boy’s eyes out with a pair of fish hooks.
Beth is next. Dad just has to put his card up and bang, she is ours! The children wait with wide eyes to see who will take the last captive. Minutes seem to drag by before the auctioneer finally says “We will start the bidding at $500 for a Miss Sparrow.”
No, no, this is Beth, it has to be. We are the only ones left. We have no choice, we have to take her. This is my fault. No, this is Beth!
With a shaking arm, my father raises our card. “Five hundred.”
The man continues for formalities. “We got a five hundred, anyone for six hundred? Five fifty? Sold for five hundred!”
Sparrow turns to look at us with sad eyes. This has to be her. They just got her name wrong. I have never seen another person with those eyes. It can’t not be her.
The other children look from her to us. One little girl, bless her soul, runs from her place with the ones and does her best to try and hug Sparrow. I think they said her name was Holly.
The guard’s face goes from happy to be done, to red and furious. He storms over, lifts the girl with one hand and throws her across the floor. Throughout the theater, women (myself included) gasp and scream with horror.
“MOVE OUT!” he shouts to the children. To us he says, “Please make your way to the back of the building to pick up your new child. If anyone leaves without their child they'll be shot on sight.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay, I'm back!
The spelling and grammar is better this time, only two corrections:
The guard's face goes from happy at being done, to red and furious. The "to" you had in that just makes the whole thing too confusing. I had to reread it a couple of times to figure out exactly what you meant.
When the guard shouts, he shouts at the children, not to them.
That's it for critiques! Very well-written indeed, but be careful with your characters—I know there hasn't been much chance for development, but make sure to steer clear of stereotypical families and develop them well!
Moving on to the next one!
Woo! I TOLD you I would be back, didn't I? Well, I AM.
I thought they had no choice but to choose a convict?
What does she watch? You should specify.
Pet peeve, but "yea" should be spelled as "yeah." "Yea" is pronounced as "yay" which just is odd.
ANYWAY. It's strange, lol. My dystopian novel has a really important character named "Beth" and she is in love with sparrows. Coincidence?! Well, actually... YES.
Anyway, on to the next part!
Also, I hope you are writing more of this. >.> Just sayin', yo. Because, trust me. I will harass you, lol. This is awesome!
Hey there,
I really liked this! A clever and pretty original concept! I actually don't have any grammatical errors-this was very good, few if any typos. Your prose is pretty simple but very nice. I like the way you really showed, and didn't just tell us what was going on! Good job on that. You kept this nicely mysterious without totally confusing the reader. It isn't so long that it drags. Excellent work all around, and please let me know when you post the next part!
Sare
Whoa! Wasn't quite prepared for that ending! OKay, well, let's get started. I review using the six traits system, so basically I will list the six traits and how well you did on each, followed by a number from 1-6. (six being high, 1, low)
#FF0000 ">Ideas: Excellent. Drew me in, just like last time, and kept me reading all the way until the end. Now I'm begging for more! You really made me want to find out more about what happens. Great job!!! #0000BF ">6
#FF0000 ">Organization: Good stucture, excellent opening, startling but wonderfully written ending. #0000BF ">6
#FF0000 ">Voice: Amazing, but no surprise there. Like I said before, unique as a fingerprint, passionate, compelling, expressive. Great job!#0000BF ">6
#FF0000 ">Word Choice: Very good. Colourful language and descriptions enhanced the text and made it fun and satisfying to read. Very engaging, excellent descriptions. #0000BF ">5.5
#FF0000 ">Sentence Fluency: Very good. Nice variation in style and length, just like last time. Keep up the good work! #0000BF ">5
#FF0000 ">Conventions: Good; very few mistakes. Like I said before, just reread before you post, and you'll be fine. #0000BF ">5.5
Anyways, great job. I can't wait till the next bit is done!!! Keep writing!