Tricks by poesiasdeamor — Poetry | Young Writers Society

MrytleJinn

Review

MrytleJinn wrote a review Review · Sep 8

I read this and I had to sit down and think. This is so good and it brings something to light that really needs to be. Alright. Into the review!

I was only ten years old
What he was doing it left a mark on my soul.
But I had to be brave, I had to be bold.
I was confused, I was left broken and bruised.

The first line makes this hit even harder. The fact that someone could do this to a little girl is horrible.
The narrator has to be be brave and bold on the outside. But on the inside she's confused and hurting. This is all too true for girls who have survived this. My only critique is adding a "but" at the beginning of the final line.
"But I was confused..."
I think it would help it flow better.

He treated me like a daughter, pretended to be the perfect father.
I was too young so I didnt know that it was all part of the show.
He gave me hugs and he bought me things but I was only a puppet and he was pulling my strings.

These lines tell you what the narrator thought. How he tricked her into believing he was safe to be around. The line,
"but I was only a puppet and he was pulling my strings."
This is the best line in the entire poem. Just unbelievably good. This is everything in miniature. Just so good.

I'm still paying for all the damage that he did
How could someone do this to a little kid
Thinking about it makes me sick
But I fell for his clever little trick.
Now my anxiety is always through the roof
All I want is to be normal and enjoy my youth

The fact that she's paying for the damage hurts. It's the harsh reality.
The line "How someone could do this to a little kid" is a little flows a little weird. I can't quite pinpoint where it is though. These lines tell you about the aftermath and the harsh realities about this. All these girls want is to be able to enjoy their youth but because of this they can't anymore.

Overall, this is so good and so breathtaking. Just a few grammar tweaks and this will be amazing.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn

poesiasdeamor

poesiasdeamor replied · Sep 9

Thank you for your kind review! I appreciate it!

yuuki

Review

yuuki wrote a review Review · Sep 8

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
minasan! i'm yuuki and i don't think we've met but im gonna review this now!

ahem; it's got a nice rhyme scheme. it's a very simple pattern, but i was a little confused. this appears to be the pattern:

A
A
A
BB
CC
D(D?)
E

F
F
G
G
H
H

so i think that it's kind of wonky, though i don't know. i think it's a little bumpy to say the least.

I was too young so I didnt know that it was all part of the show.
He gave me hugs and he bought me things but I was only a puppet and he was pulling my strings.

this line could be revised like this:

I was too young so I didn't know that it was all part of his twisted ~~the~~ show.
He gave me hugs and he bought me things
(line break)
but I was only a puppet, and he had the ~~was pulling my~~ strings.

This is small revisions, i could dive deeper into it but i don't have the energy. (gomen ToT please forgive me i'm sick)

anyway i think the message of this poem is clear, but the delivery is a bit foggy. i think that with more practise, your poetry skills could greatly improve in the future. we all start somewhere!

i think it's a great poem, i don't want you to get the wrong message, i'm sorry if you do.

anyway i'm exhausted thank you for the opportunity to read this wonderful work! it takes loads of confidence to put your work out so blindly and ask for people to critique it.

baibai!
yuuki (aka kiki)