Hey, its good to hear from you
You sound better but then again you always pretended to
I dont know if your words are lies or maybe you really tried
But you cant walk in and hide from the things you did, it messed me up, and that cant be denied.
Alcohol is deadly, its a dangerous thing, didnt you think that drinking could sting?
You drank for relief, but that was only brief because in the end, it caused people grief.
You have your own struggles, I know you do
But now because of you, Im struggling too.
I love you mom, but I cant escape the past.
And for that reason, a relationship with you could never last.
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Canary word: Present
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139,757 Literary Works • 672,709 Reviews
Hello! Your poem caught my eye in the green room; let's get into it:
Your poem has good flow and tempo, and I'm able to hear your voice. It's strong and melodic. Some lines hit really hard and add the emotional weight.
I'm not a big fan of the lack of apostrophes in the contractions, like the use of "cant" and "didnt". Whether it was intentional, but it's a little distracting when I come across these types of grammatical errors. I also think you can utilize punctuation some more to really punch in what you're trying to convey, and it would help break up the pacing.
While I am fortunate to never have to experience alcoholism within my family, I'm able to empathize with the narrator's dysfunctional relationship with their mother. I know this piece would hit home with readers who have been through similar experiences. Thank you for sharing!
hi. Your title and description caught my eye, so happy Sinday Morning from Team Tortoise.
Im not sure how I feel about the lack of following grammatical rules, but I think using at least apostrophes would look better for "cant". I also think using some periods through would help put more emphasis on certain thoughts, because as is it all kind of rumbles into one long rambling thought. This poetry reads a lot like rap to me, and rap definitely has pauses and changes in tempo at times for affect.
The order of problems with alcohol here is a bit unsynced. Deadly is obviously the biggest problem, and that's what you hit us with first. But then you say it's dangerous which like...yeah, deadly things are dangerous. And then you end with sting, which sounds less threatening than even dangerous. I would see if there's a way to keep your rhyming pattern while playing around with the buildup of why alcohol is so detrimental to the drinker and victims around.
This line feels a lot longer and breaks the really good rhythm your rhyme scheme had held throughout. For a final line you want to end as strong as you can.
As someone who's parental relationships have been topsy turvy, and have a sibling who had substance and alcohol addictions, this hits close to home. It's a very true and unfortunate admittance that sometimes you cant fix people unless they fix themselves, and sometimes space is the best medicine :/
~Messy
Thank you so much for your feedback. Im a beginner writer and I'm still learning the basics, so your constructive criticism means a lot to me.