Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The world seemed to pause as the wind savored the taste of blood vaporizing in its calmness. A second, two or three wouldn’t have mattered because there was simply nothing but death’s silent laughter gliding through the room, teasing a shocked human as a body fell with a bloodied face.
Emma’s scream tore through her throat as she watched her friend’s already soulless body hit the floor almost soundlessly. Her eyes were wide as the scream continued. In the open door way were three men, all armed with guns which the girl couldn’t name. She didn’t even bother to look at the one lowering his gun. She didn’t even hear the screams erupting from the hallway or the street outside her window. Her reaction was natural as she was totally paralyzed with fear and grief…she was going into shock.
“Grab her, let’s move before the cops get here.”, one of the men said out loud.
With the scent of Ann’s death around the barrel of his gun, one rushed towards Emma and was about to grab her when glass shattered. Pausing in her breathing, Emma’s eyes shut as blood splattered onto her face from the man’s throat. The only thing she could hear was the beating of her own heart as reaction to the sight of Ann laying down dead…a sight she had thought she’d never see again. Emma’s mind was so blank of the current reality that she didn’t even notice the glass shatter from her window as bullets flew passed her. All this plus the screams made a very strange symphony which she was void to.
One bullet struck the chest of one of the men as the other found the wall. The third who was obviously more experienced from the old age grabbed Emma and pulled her into the hallway, temporarily using her as a shield. He dashed into the hallway with his almost frozen hostage before a bullet could find him. He knew in all certain that they were in trouble.
Emma on the other hand was almost lost in her own mind. She couldn’t put up any protest as her mind was totally in shock…living one of her memories over again. She was lost in those memories. This had happened once in her life…loosing someone she could sit down and smile with only happened once and that person was her mum. Now, she had lost a friend.
***********
“Shit”, John whispered as he quickly grabbed his M82 barrette and aimed at the street below. He could see two groups of five men moving towards his location in the commotion of chaos on the street. With a hiss of breath, he aimed down at them. To him, casualties always have to occur. He fired at them. Smiling slightly, he watched from his scope as the bullets struck anything and anyone in its path. Like a reaper of souls, he continued firing into the crowd, his targets almost dead. Before another target could be brought down, he saw something from the corner of his scope…his target was being brought out.
Without thinking, he aimed. From the way the guy was holding the girl, John could see that he was a professional. So at the moment, he had only one choice of shooting him down. With his psychotic smile still evidenced, he pulled the trigger.
*Click*click*click*
“Fuck”, he whispered and ducked right before the bricks lining the roof begun exploding into pieces as bullets flew at his location. Damn, trouble was near. With a slight hesitation, he peeked down at the street below and gasped at what he saw. He watched in horror as an RPG(rocket propelled grenade) was fired at his location. The roof exploded seconds later.
**********
Emma felt herself shoved into the back seat of a car. She was still almost out cold from memories as two men entered the car making her sit in the middle.
“Damn, whoever the guy was, he took out Herero, Peter and the others. We gotta tell the boss. MOVE MOVE MOVE”, one almost shouted as the car sped away. They didn’t even mind the sound of police sirens as they sped away out the open college campus main gates and almost flying into the night. They were home free…loosing a few men, but that also meant a bigger cut for each man.
“Lets move men. We gonna have a ball after delivery…am talking strippers, whores and booze for all us fuckers to-“, he didn’t have the chance to finish.
*POW*
Before anything could be controlled, the car flew sideways as its front right tire burst. It somersaulted two times before coming to a huge crush in front of a closed supermarket. People around begun rushing towards the crush but stopped when a black Ford Mustang stopped beside the turned car.
**********
John stepped out of his car and wiped the little dust on his jacket. He walked to the turned over SUV and forced the back door open. Slowly, he reached inside and pulled out a rather hurt but unconscious girl from inside. Carrying her in his arms, he laid her down in his backseat before going to the trunk of his car. He took out a black round object and moved back into the driver’s seat of his car. With a sigh, he pulled the pin from the object and threw it into the SUV before speeding away. A few seconds later, the crashed car exploded into pieces, burying its occupants in flames.
The black Ford Mustang was gone.
End of chapter
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Hi there Planve! Back again to continue reading
This chapter was very good when it came to action. You used devices such as short sentences and I was hooked on what would happen. I couldn't wait to see how John would save Emma although he was so far away, and one person out of many.
At one point you mention this big weapon pointed right at John while he was trying to hide from the gunshots. Then later he reappears again perfectly fine. I wonder what happened with that machine. How did he get out of his situation?
I am really loving the description you've given me here. It was beautiful and a wonderful way to start off the chapter. I think when you said 'a second, two or three' I would cut out the two or three. For a moment I wavered trying to grasp what you meant, and in general I found it would seem more secure without it. A second not mattering is just as great as three seconds not mattering
This is something I've come to notice in a lot of people's works, and it's how to use the ... Just remember that using the three dots directly in between two words is equivalent to linking them together with a hyphen in a unaccepted way! You need a space there after the three dots... it should look something like this.
Emma's mind was so blank because of the current reality...
Again, this is me commenting on the flow of your work. This is something that's very hard to explain. If you didn't understand me last time feel free to ask me on my wall or something, or perhaps in chat and I can try again. But one thing that really improves flow is choosing your word order carefully. So instead of the line I quoted just now, maybe have: The screams combined and made a very strange symphony which Emma was void to. Or something similar. The 'all this plus' was a very off-putting line.
Don't worry, I'm not commenting on the three dots again. I've already done that. Here is the too close repetition. You've already said the word lost and memories, and in the final sentence you say it again. In fact you could easily cut the final sentence because you're repeating what you have just told us in the previous sentences.
Again, this is me going on about flow. Word order is really important! Try to have words that don't sound too odd when you say them out loud at the front. Another way to help this is trying to avoid having commas so far up the sentence. So instead: Casualties always have to occur to him.
I still don't know much about Jake at all! I still feel like he's just a robot and fairly unknown person to me. I feel like I know Emma more, and a bit of her story. But I don't know any of Jake's goals other than the immediate ones, what Shadow is or why he's doing all this stuff! It needs to be in there.
One more chapter and then I've caught up!
Deanie x
Hi! Here for another review.
This was a confusing sentence... the blood was vaporizing in the winds calmness, or was the wind vaporizing or...?
Comma after "natural"
In the second paragraph, you use the word "screams" a number of times, something you should probably edit.
Okay, I noticed this in your previous writings as well. When someone is talking, you don't need the added comma after the quotes. If you want to have a comma there, to help with the flow and make their comment less abrupt, just add it before the quotes. So this should read "Grab her, let's move before the cops get here," (said whoever). See what I mean?
Alright, first, comma after "third"; second, take out the word "the" before "old age"
All certainty
Always had to occur. Make sure you keep a consistent tense.
Put commas between all of these.
"we're" and "I'm" instead of "am"
I really liked this! It developed John's character, as well as revealing a piece of Emma's past. As a sort of overall comment, wouldn't John be afraid that by shooting out the tire of the car and making it crash, that his target would be killed? An accident that bad could have resulted in a broken neck from whiplash, major brain damage, etc.
Keep writing, I can't wait to read more!
This was even better than the last chapter, I love it. Just a couple of this though.
Lover of Emotions

“Lets move men. We gonna have a ball after delivery…am talking strippers, whores and booze for all us fuckers to-“, he didn’t have the chance to finish.
*POW*
I think *POW* should come before 'he didn't have the chance to finish.'
'In the open door way were three men, all armed with guns which the girl couldn’t name.'
Take out the were 'In the open door way, three men all armed with guns of which she couldn't name.'
'Emma’s mind was so blank of the current reality'
'Emma's mind was so black to the current reality' I like that better
Other than this I love it, well it was also all I found while I was reading. I read it then a reviewed it then read it again. It is so good that I just want to read it again. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Thanks...thanks...thanks. I guess i've been taking your advice very seriously. This chapter was godd but i really wanted to make it longer...but thanks for reading and reviewing...you're the best.