Shadowed Angel (Chapter 2)

by planve

Published April 23, 2013

16+ Violence

In Shadows

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

“Please, you can do anything to me…anything, just let my family go.”, a man said with hints of fear as he watched his crying daughter dragged and tied to a chair beside his wife who was in a similar position but gagged too. The light in the room was quite dim and showed almost nothing of the face of the intruder who had on a black jacket with matching pants. The shadows seemed to follow his face. The father’s eyes were red from the beatings he had received and tears he had shed. His white shirt was stained with drops of his own blood. The stranger placed a gag on the daughter like he had done to the wife. And calmly, he walked away to the kitchen and opened the fridge there like it was his house. His face was illuminated by the bright light of the fridge’s interior as he took out a bottle of water.

It was John, at least older than he was. He opened the water and downed every drop of it in three gulps and threw the bottle aside. With the urge to end the whole thing quickly, he walked back to where the people were bound. A man and his family…his job. When he got in, he frowned at what he heard and saw.

“…don’t worry, am going to get us through this, ok? I’ll sort everything out-“, the man stopped and looked at John, his deep blue eyes filled to the brim with nothing but sorrow. Before he could be allowed to talk, John was out but came back into the room holding two small barrels which was instantly recognized as containing petrol. Setting one down on the carpeted floor, he approached the woman with the other. He could see tears fill their eyes as they tried to beg through the gag.

“NO…NO…NO…did Morelli send you, I’ll confess to anything he says…please, please, no, please don’t…deal with me instead, they won’t tell the cops…shit…”.

John didn’t care about what the man was saying, begging. To him, this was nothing personal. He was just assigned to do this. He began dumping the flammable liquid on the woman and child, drenching them in its death.

After that, he took the other gallon and spread its content everywhere apart from the man before he stepped back next to the wife and child. He frowned at the man’s screams of pleas and defiance. Some times, his own species confused him. To John, death was normal…a natural phenomenon. Murder was also natural to his eyes…normal actions of man. A man dying by a bullet, a woman dying in her labor, a family dying in a car crush, an old man dying on a sick bed…they were all the same to him. He dipped his hand into his pocket and took out a lighter. He looked to the father’s eyes and saw the obvious horror and fear it was filled with. He flicked it on and soon, he could hear the sounds of crying from the child and wife.

“Don’t worry sweetheart, everything’s going to be all right…”, the father was saying to his crying daughter, trying to keep her hopes up that he was going to save her. Before John could finish his job, his phone beeped. He took it out and read the message he’d gotten. Another job…another target.

“Emma Houl, St. Mathew’s University…”. Exactly what he hated. Assassination missions were what he found logic in, but others were something he hated. He read the contents of the message before stuffing the phone back into his pocket.

“Hey man please. Let them go, they won’t tell anyone. I’ll pay you double…triple…no, I’ll pay you anything you want then you can burn me up...just let them go…please please please…”, the father spoke with unstable tears gliding down his face. John neither smiled nor frowned. He felt neither pity nor proud. It was all a job. It was all part of man’s nature and he was nothing but a man.

He dropped the lighter on the girl’s gown and instantly, it went up in flames accompanied by the pained gagged shrieking of the girl and woman as they went up in flames with the man shouting as if time would stop and rewind. John stood where he was as the fire spread everywhere. His eyes were glued to the thrashing forms of the mother and daughter as the flames consumed them, trying to draw out their souls. Within seconds, nothing was left apart from burning flesh. He walked away as the man started screaming death and curses at him. It all didn’t matter, the whole house would go up in flames and the whole family would be found burnt to death by the firemen. With his hands stuffed in his warm pockets, john vanished into the shadows of the gathering crowd. It was done and he was moving on to the next one.

                                                                                       **********

Emma Houl wasn’t exactly the best girl in her class. In fact, with the best definition of the best girl as being a blond haired bimbo with nothing more than showing your stuff and flicking your hair around the lecture hall, Emma would have simply been known as the worse girl. Would have, if not for the secret wealth her family possessed. Being black haired shoulder length girl with freckles, she normally got through crowds with relative ease, like she was doing at the moment on her way to a Biological Psychology lecture. With deep sighs, she made her way but paused in front of her lecture room door and frowned. The lecture rooms at the college were rather long in a rectangular shape with the lecturers standing at the short ends. At the moment, the class was almost full with an exception of the last seats. To be in those seats meant you would hear nothing but echoes. There was no need now. She turned around and begun walking away, grumbling something about how stupid she had been for coming late due to oversleeping. Well, at least she’d have to-.

“Emma, wait up.”.

She paused and turned around to see one of the rather few people she trusted outside the family. It was a girl of her height with similar shoulder black hair but had a strange sexiness with it. The new girl rushed in to Emma, beaming with a flashy smile.

“Ann, you should be in class.”.

Ann smiled at her friend and shook her head in slight annoyance.

“Well, if you mean having an old man talk and talk about international politics, I’ll pass. Anyway, you busy tonight?”, Ann asked, almost looking like a little school girl.

“Yeah, am going to be studying for the test on Wednesday. Can’t do anything else.”, Emma said as she spared a glance at her friend’s clothing. Ann was wearing a rather short skirt and a top Emma would never have liked to see.

“Aww, well, I was thinking we could hang out.”, Ann said as she looked down at the floor like a child who had just had her favorite toy taken from her. This was the only thing Emma knew was capable of turning her answers around. Ann’s sad face was like watching Titanic all over again.

A deep sigh escaped her lips.

“Ok, I guess I can be free tonight. You should really stop that you know?”, Emma said with another sigh.

Ann looked like she was confused.

“Stop what?”, she asked like a child. Adorable.

“Never mind…see you at seven.”, Emma said, abruptly walking from a giggling friend. To say she knew how she became friends with someone like Ann, she never knew. But one thing she knew was that she trusted Ann…with her life. Ann was one of the few people who readily accepted and defended her even though it was common knowledge that her father was an international criminal with hands in everything from murder through drug trafficking, terrorism and even child prostitution. It wasn’t something she was particularly proud of, but at least she did have people she could trust like her grand parent who she took as her real family.

So, still beaming with a smile, she made her way to her hostel and soon was dropping her bag on the floor of her single room. With a beaming smile, she allowed herself to fall comfortably on her bed. She turned her head slightly to look at the wall clock. It was exactly thirty minutes past two. She stifled a childish giggle and closed her eyes, hoping to catch a few hours of sleep before the night life with her friend.

BRRRIIINNNG!!!

She stuffed her hand into her pocket and dug out her cell phone. “Unknown number calling” was the only thing written on the screen. Slowly, she flipped it open and placed in close to her ear.

“Hello?”, she said.

“Emma Houl?”, a deep voice spoke calmly.

“Yes? Who is this?”.

The line cut. With a little annoyance, she checked the number but only found that it wasn’t registered. She brushed the whole incident aside and lay back down on her bed. With a calmness settling over her, she allowed sleep to take her.

                                                                                              **********

John sat where he was in the shadows of his black 1971 Ford Mustang. He’d arrived at his location about two hours ago having driven all the way there from his last mission less than five hour ago. And already, he knew something was brewing in the shadows around him. Tracking the girl had been easy and that was something that worried him. If he could find her in less than thirty minutes after arriving, then so could anyone else. He checked his watch and sighed. Already thirty minutes past six and still no lights on in the girl’s room. From where he was parked, he had a clear view of the girl’s window.

Well, if things remained as they were, then he had some time to think about what to do. This was his first mission of this type. He was naturally an offensive type person. He’d killed people ranging from minister to simple gangsters and with a perfect score; his name had reached the CIA and FBI. But they knew little about him or the family. The shadow family was well hidden and no one would locate them since they technically didn’t exist. For this type of mission, he knew of two primary ways. One was to keep distance and clean up any trouble coming yet keeping an eye on the target. The other was to simply grab your target and get her to a safe house. Well, the first one would be the right way for him.

He paused as he saw movement. The lights in the room came on and instinctively he could see two shadows at the window. Maybe a friend, nothing to startle him.

However, before his mind could run to a rest, he saw something again. Without thinking, he took a brief case from the back seat of his car and got out, taking off at a run to the opposite building.

                                                                                         **********

Emma zipped the jeans up and slowly turned to her friend.

“Well, how do I look?”, she asked with a raised eye brow.

Ann took a few seconds to think of an answer. Emma was wearing a tight v-neck white shirt with some tight fitting blue jeans.

“Not as sexy as me, but ok.”, she said with a smile. Both girls smiled at each other before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

“Let’s go before the movie starts”, Ann said as she turned to the door. Emma was about to follow when she heard her phone ring.

“One second,” she whispered to her frowning friend before answering the call.

“Hello?”.

“Emma Houl, there are some people on their way to your room; I suggest you move out quickly.”

“Who is this?”, Emma asked, her voice showing traces of anger. First, a call to ask her name, now this?

“My name doesn’t matter, just move out now.”.

“If you don’t tell me your name, I’ll call the police.”, Emma said again, this time in full anger.

Ann was tired of the waiting as she saw her friend frustrated. She moved up, grabbed the phone and switched it off. She turned and walked towards the door, swaying her hips.

“Now, lets go.”.

She opened the door and turned.

BOOM!!!

A bullet ripped into her head, snapping it backwards as she fell.

Emma screamed.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Dec 14, 2013

Hey there Planve!

I've come back to read the next chapter. I liked it a lot, because we got to see more of John and what he does in detail. We also got to learn that in Shadow he can have both offence and defensive positions and jobs. But don't forget to explain Shadow a bit better to the reader first! What do they do as an organisation and why? Right now I'm learning about lots of little missions Johan has to do strung together, and they don't really means anything to me as a reader. They would do if I knew more about Shadow.

As well as this, don't forget that Shadow, because it's a name of organization, always needs to be capitalized. This is also goes for John's name. It should always have a capital letter, and sometimes that was missing.

The father’s eyes were red from the beatings he had received and tears he had shed. His white shirt was stained with drops of his own blood. The stranger placed a gag on the daughter like he had done to the wife. And calmly, he walked away to the kitchen and opened the fridge there like it was his house


One thing I would like to try and tackle with you is the flow of your writing. Sometimes when I read it, in general it sounds a bit stiff. It's not a problem as easy to solve as it sounds it should be. What I suggest is that you take out all the little unnecessary words that aren't really needed. For example 'he had done' would become 'he'd done.' For creative writing it usually (not always) sounds smoother. I noticed this quite a bit in the first couple of paragraphs. Let me edit the quote I gave you as an example.

The father's eyes were red from the beatings he'd received and tears he'd shed. His white shirt was stained with drops of his own blood. The stranger placed a gag on the daughter like he'd done tot he wife. And calmly, he walked away to the kitchen and opened the fridge like it was his house.

Do you see how I took out a few small words and it was still fine?

It was John, at least older than he was.


Older than he was when what? Do you mean older than he was before? Edit it.

I like the chapter ending! Perfect placement because now I want to know what has happened to Emma, and it's going to make me turn that page. Which is exactly what you need!

I will read the next chapter soon :)

Deanie x

HopelessAbandon wrote a review Review · May 26, 2013

Hi! Just wanted to add a few things I noticed while reading. :)

“Please, you can do anything to me…anything, just let my family go.”, a man said with hints of fear as he watched his crying daughter dragged and tied to a chair beside his wife who was in a similar position but gagged too.

Alright, so for this sentence, there's a few things I wanted to fix. 1. after the quote, you don't need the comma. 2. you need to add more commas in here, after "wife" and "position"
It was John, at least older than he was.

This was phrased kind of awkwardly. Also, he's older than he was... when? Make sure to add that in.
am going to get us through this,

I think you meant "I'm" instead of "am"

In the last paragraph of John's perspective, you use the word "flames" too often. I would try to find a synonym that can give your writing a little variety. This happens a couple times throughout this segment, such as with the word "lecture". Just something to keep in mind for future chapters. :)
I like how you ended this! It was great, and added an element of suspense to this story. Your characters are believable, which makes for a great plot. Can't wait to read more! :)

User avatar
illitar
Review
illitar wrote a review Review · May 4, 2013

I like the jumping form character to character. the suspense was good and the character development is good. i have noticed that most people tend to spend more time on one person compared to the other. and making the story be in third person and make it ump from eye to eye is great. giving both of the characters points of views is a great way of drawing the readers in. though it can also have a backlash. there can be too much of one and not of the other and it can be overwhelming. you do it well so i don't think you need to worry about that but be cautious.


otherwise i am liking how this is coming. good work

User avatar
Kaylyn
Review
Kaylyn wrote a review Review · Apr 24, 2013

Really dark, but I'm on edge to see where this goes. Some things I would suggest though, If Emma is one of the main characters in this novel, then to develop Ann's character a little bit, you want to make it hurt, let the readers feel the hurt, when she dies. This being said, if she is just another mission among many then don't worry about it too much.

I like how you flick back and forth between the characters, you do this exceptionally well. Keep it up on that aspect. You spend the perfect amount of time on one character in a situation before you take it to another.

There are alot less grammatical mistakes on this one than the last one. However, here are just a few:
“My name doesn’t matter, just move out now.”.
Should be:“My name doesn’t matter, just move out now.”
You don't have to add the period at the end out of the quotation marks.
Same thing with this sentance:
“Now, lets go.”.
"Now, lets go."

“Hello?”.
"Hello?"

Your are getting a hold on it. Keep going with this. Keep writing!

planve replied · Apr 24, 2013

Thanks...am beginning to see the little mistakes and am working to make it better. Your advice makes me grow from a beginner to something better.

User avatar
ChimeraMania
Review
ChimeraMania wrote a review Review · Apr 23, 2013

Oh my gosh love the end and how your leaving me in suspense. I so wanna know what happens next, but first.
I don't understand how much time passed from the first chapter into this one. In the first he was being tested right? He killed a girl at the end of that one. This one starts off with him burning a family. I understand that the family was a mission for him, what I don't understand is how he got the mission, probably like he go the mission about the girl but that dosen't help me understand. I like the fact that he kills the family, but how did he come to find them. What does this have to do with him killing the girl? What happened after he killed the girl?

I do, though, like how you switched from John to Emma. I like the extra character. Okay now time for the parts where you started with 'And.' You don't really have to start them with and, you could choose another word or just take it out period.
'And calmly, he walked away to the kitchen and opened the fridge there like it was his house'
In this one you can just take and out.
'Calmly, he walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge like it was his house.'
doesn't that sound a little better.
'And already, he knew something was brewing in the shadows around him'
'Already, he knew something was brewing in the shadows around him.'

'girl’s gown and instantly, it went up in flames accompanied'
'girl's gown and instantly went up in flames, accompanied by'
I like it better, but even though its yours you can changea anything you want.

Like I said before, I really like the Shadow Angel its a really good book. And I'd like to read more and more chapters, if that what your planning on doing. Just keep me informed okay. Consider me your #1 fan :D

And don't worry I'm not doing the review for the points. I really do like it.

~#1 Fan~ :D

planve replied · Apr 23, 2013

Thanks thanks thanks thanks for the review. Am gonna use the corrections you gave me on the next chapter. Am so damn happy today.



The world is your oyster. Well, it’s my oyster, but you can have some of it.
— Feltrix