Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The cold wind blew over the barren land, making veils of golden sand shower over its changing surface like some kind of heavenly rain of riches under the mid day sun. Rays touching the shifting sands were enough to sizzle the flesh off any bones and with this fact; nothing lived over its deathly gaze.
At least, not everyday as a rather young man in his teens walked through the desert letting the grains of sand snake around his red bare feet. With hair as black as the deepest pit of a moonless night and eyes as deep as any abyss, he walked on. His skin seemed extremely tanned from over exposure to the baking temperatures he was under. It was as if all moisture had abandoned him with his lips like a dried river bed and his body not able to produce the much needed sweat. His military like clothing was tattered turning the short sleeved shirt and trouser into just a sleeveless shirt and shorts which almost look faded. Occasionally, he would stagger but keep on his feet, never wishing to fall and allow his body to dream of rest and peace. This place was not his home. This sand was not his element. This need for water was not his weakness. And the hunger for release from the torment of the burning sun was only the wish for death, so he continued. Truthfully, he didn’t know where he was going but kept on moving, at least that was the only way he knew he was alive since he couldn’t count on his labored breathing. With a final step, he stopped, letting his blurry eye sight scan a far spot in front of him. Though he knew he was totally exhausted, thirsty and hungry, he could easily tell what he was looking at.
A camp, and this was no mirage. It was made of three tents with three military cars, for that he was sure. Slipping his hands into his pocket, he felt the steel of the revolver in his pocket. It was a six shooter with six bullets which meant six people. Three tents of the size they were meant an average of nine people, he was sure. And probably, they were armed. The only option he had left was stealth. So, releasing the gun in his pocket, he dashed across the sand. He had to make as less sound as possible or risk being noticed. So with as much stealth as he could master, he moved closer and closer until he stopped all of a sudden and threw himself down, hoping not to be noticed by a man who stepped out of a tent with an AK47 strapped over his left shoulder. The man was in military uniform and had a water bottle in his right hand making the teen want to bite his tongue to prevent himself from running straight up to the man. After a few more seconds, the stranger walked up and sat on the hood of one of the cars as he gulped down the water. Seeing his chance, the teen begun to creep slowly down the dune he was on. In approximately one minute he’d be in…he stopped. Something was wrong, he thought as he looked down at the camp and froze as the man on the car hood seemed to look in his exact direction. That’s when the boy noticed, in his rush, he had not considered that he was on the slope and out of the slight shadow on the side of the dune and that meant his crawl line was behind him…his position had been given. He winced as the man shouted; giving the signal that he was seen. With regret, the teen stood up and dashed towards the camp as fast as he could. He looked to the camp and felt his heart stop when the others came out and pointed their guns in his general direction. With adrenaline pumping dryly into his aching body, he dashed faster straight for the camp not caring about the “phit phit” sounds erupting all around him as bullets met sand. Hesitation meant probable death as retreat meant certain death. So with his eyes scanning, he spotted his destination, some crates stacked together to give him perfect cover. He dashed towards them until he was brought crashing as a bullet hit his shoulder as one hit his thigh…this was bad, very bad. A second to make a decision, he forced himself up and dashed forward, not listening to the creams of pain coming from his wounds. Within seconds, he crashed into the crates, using them as cover and clenched hit teeth together from the pain his thigh and shoulder gave him. He took out the revolver and took a deep breath to cloud out the pain and sound of bullets out of his mind. He waited and when the bullets stopped for a second, he knew why. They needed to reload. So swiftly, he dashed from his safety and spun the gun around; releasing a series of bursts which accurately found six chests leaving them blood red. Two more opponents who seem to hesitate. In a burst of speed, he run straight at the men and before one could move, his gun was knocked from his hands and within milliseconds, he was struck in the neck and allowed to fall trying hard to breath. The other was quite easy. The teen kicked the guns out of his hand and grabbed it before striking it over his head. The man fell, but it wasn’t over. The teen raised the gun again, ready to add another blow to the mans head for blood.
“ENOUGH”. The teen paused and dropped the gun, his breath hot and strained out of his dry throat.
“You’ve done well, John. A good work done.”, the dry hoarse voice said again but with a bit of pride in its tone. Its owner, a rather tired looking old man in white shirt and shorts made his way out of one of the camps, his eyes beady with old age. His gray hair was also evidence of his wisdom. The teen, now identified as John turned to face his master and teacher with the pain in his shoulder and thigh still screaming for relief. He watched as the six he’d shot down begun getting up and rubbed the red pain off their chest.
“You are the best I’ve created…now for your final test.”, the old man said as he stabbed his walking stick on the sandy ground. Instantly, two more men came from the tent holding a person who had a cloth over his or her head between them. The person was brought and thrown before John.
“It’s time for you to take an innocent life and gain your own ghost to haunt you.”, the old man whispered and turned, walking away. Ripping the cloth off, the person gasped. It was a girl, apparently not older than he was. She looked extremely terrified with eyes pleading to be spared. To kill her would be a crime to any heavenly being around. Looking at her, the girl seemed to cower away, speaking in a language John didn’t understand…and he didn’t care. He took a step towards her.
“Please…please”, the girl almost screamed causing John to stop. With fear and tears streaming down her cheeks, she had begged him…forced herself to say something in a language foreign to her but understandable to him. He knew what she wanted, hope for him to have mercy upon her. She was wrong. John descended upon her and laid his hands upon her neck and squeezed. No matter how hard she thrashed, she couldn’t do anything until the light in her eyes dimmed out, pushing John to squeeze harder. This memory would stay with him forever. The light going out of the girl’s eyes would haunt his dreams forever. Her ghost would torment him, keeping him sharp and always on the edge. At least now he could say he had joined the shadow. He was now a member of the shadows. He was one.
End of chapter
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Hey there Planve!
I really liked what I read so far. At first I was full of questions as to why this teen was walking across such a desert area, and why he felt the need to attack the military and not surrender to them. I know more now! And I'm sure we'll find out what the Shadow is in future chapters as well. I must say I adored the description you gave us in the first paragraph. It was so detailed, but in such a way that is wasn't boring. And yet we still managed to get what was happening and see some action from John. Later on during the battle I could always follow what was happening, and what John was doing, how his thoughts were racing. Good job there!
I have a few points for editing. The first paragraph was so long! It seemed a bit daunting to read it. Just for the readers I would break it up a bit, perhaps into two parts?
This line would sound a lot more strong if you got rid of the 'some kind of'.
I think you mean screams.
Remember to keep the 'ed' in there and stick to past tense! Two more opponents who seemed...
This is a mistake made quite often actually. To breathe is the action of breathing, the one you should use because he's trying to breathe. A breath is name of when you inhale. One is a title to something, and one is an action.
I understand you are trying to end on a strong ending and a suspenseful one. But don't make it too repetitive! Here you tell me three times that he is part of Shadow. Maybe you should cut out two of the sentences and just leave the 'he was now a member of the shadows'. I think that one is the strongest.
I will go on to read your future chapters!
Deanie x
So far I like the story line of it, I didn't think he would actually kill her though..I was hoping he would help her escape, but it's still good. I liked it, now, on to the next chapter
Hi! Just a few things to add.
I think you meant "barren"
Other than that, I think most things have been caught. I would just suggest you watch out for repeating words in the same sentence or the next sentence. What I mean by this is, for example, the word "forever" in your last paragraph, which you use twice in two sentences. This makes your sentences sounds a bit repetitive, but it's easily fixable! Also, you need a few more commas. I would just read your work out loud to yourself, and whenever you pause in a sentence, add one. Better to have too many than not enough.
Overall, this was awesome, and I can't wait to read the next part. I really like the twist at the ending, how the entire thing turned out to be a test. Keep writing!:)
its really heard to read when the paragraphs are soooo long. though i do like this idea but it was done in a odd way. i know that the entire passage is about miscommunication and about the first meeting but put a little more detail into it. not like fighting detail but whats happening around them as they start to tussle? that kind of stuff.

anyways keep it up. i am going to read the other chapters and comment on them as well.
First some technical things:

Breaking this up into paragraphs would be great, at least it would make it easier to read.
“ENOUGH”.
Needs ot be "Enough!"
“You are the best I’ve created…not for your final test.”,
I think you meant now instead of not and the comma can be taken away at the end.
“It’s time you to take a life.”, the old man whispered and turned, walking away.
When having it in a sentance like this, you should write it this way:
"It's time (insert "for" here, typo) to take a life," the old man whispered and turned to walk away.
Also here: “Please…please”,
Should be "Please, please," ....
It took me awhile to learn this, you'll catch on.
Also if it was time for him to take a life? Maybe an innocent life? He killed like two people approaching the camp didn't he?
These are just a few things. This sounds really interesting and I'd love to see where you are going with this. Onwards to part 2!
Keep writing!
Thanks for the insight, i guess am still a beginner but don't worry, i'll take you advice and become better.
You don't need the and after bones in the beginning just put it like
'bones. With this fact'
The first paragraph is like really to long you can separate it at like times when it changes.
for example.
'Occasionally' that could start a whole new paragraph
'With a final step' could start another paragraph
'A campe' could start another paragraph
'The man was in' could start another paragraph
You need a , after thirsty. When you were naming hate he was.
'exhausted, thirsty, and hungary'
You need another ; after hand .
'right hand; making the teen'
You need a ; after John
'The teen, now identified as John.'
Instead of so he continued you could put but he continued. Because your saying how hungary, thirsty, and how much he need to rest.
The end really didn't have anything wrong with it. I really liked it. I like how the whole thing was a test too.
Oh my gosh I really like the story like a lot. I hope you finish it.
Thanks for the review. And thanks big time for the help. Well am not that great with my grammer but i'll do my best to "beta" it and make everything more enjoyable. The next chapter will come thanks to you...
So far I like the story line of it, I didn't think he would actually kill her though..I was hoping he would help her escape, but it's still good. I liked it, now, on to the next chapter