I don't know where this came from. It just kinda hit me when I was driving home. Tell me if I should change the ratinng because I'm not sure.
--
His artistically calloused hands caress my body,
Like I’m made of the finest marble.
He whispers sultry words of devotion into my ear,
Titillating my every nerve.
He stokes my passion,
Helping me find the beauty in life.
A heavenly symphony of love resounds as our lips meet,
And our souls entwine.
With a flutter of its wings in a far away land,
A whole life can change from a butterflies plan.
His long nails dig into my flesh and throw me on the ground,
Like my life is a waste.
He degrades me,
Spitting words of hate and disgust.
He tells me I’m worthless,
That he owns me and I don’t deserve beauty.
Fear makes my head ring as he forces his lips on mine,
Salty tears staining my cheeks.
But I will always love him.
Even if the butterfly changes its plan.
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Hello, here as requested! I hope this is helpful, and if you have any questions/want to throw things at me, please do! Only, don't literally throw things.. yeah.
I don't like what I see, and that's a good thing, because I can see the images you have, and how you can describe them so much better then what you did, here, which is why I don't like what you've presented, but I like what it could be very much. You have the complexity of ideas and images that I personally like in poetry, but your presentation is lacking, but! I can help (I hope/think/don't eat me!).
Just taking your first few lines, here:
His artistically calloused hands caress my body,
Like I’m made of the finest marble.
He whispers sultry words of devotion into my ear,
Titillating my every nerve.
The images I like - but you're telling me the images. I want you to show me the images. Give me something so I can feel those hands -- like "Calloused hands trace exposed skin,/feather-touching..." etc, only less cliche/gag-worthy and uh, better-written.
On the second two lines, especially, there's so much room for you to show this! You can do anything from inserting lines the "He" can say, and using them as transitions, to literally describing him speaking into the speakers ear, like "Hot breath whispered what fingers told/in aching whispers in the dark/I'm yours" only, you know, not like that, per se, but more to tell the reader about a given experience. That's the beauty of poetry, I think, glimpses of intense emotion or images or sound, all condensed in to a few lines - so with those lines, you have to pack a huge punch!
But I think you know all this, or I wouldn't like what you have as much as I do -- also, with the turn you take in the latter stanzas this can be really effective, using choice wording, like how you use "flesh" instead of a more romanticized word -- one word of caution, though! I would suggest staying away from words like "heavenly" or phrases like "Like my life is a waste" because not only are they telling, but they're weak lines/words, and you're letting the words attempt to do your work for you -- instead of finding and crafting, you're relying on predisposed notions of words and ideas and circumstances. While this can be a handy trick,here it makes what could be a powerful image trite, and I want to see you make them powerful.
One last note: I would weave the butterfly image more in to the poem or leave it out entirely, since it's rather abrupt, and make sure you know which way you're twisting the the image, because I'm not sure where you're going with it -- are you likening it to the butterfly effect theory, like your title suggests, or are you playing on that image? Especially with the turn you take, you can do a lot with the butterfly image and morph it to help tell that turn, if that makes sense? So! I would be clear in your own mine how you want that image to interact with the rest of the poem, and then that will translate better to your audience, since the image of the butterfly and the rest of the poem feel separate right now, and I want to see what you do when they're more intertwined.
Anyway! Overall, you have the workings of what can be a really good poem! So keep revising/rewriting! I want to see what you come up with from this, and I hope I've helped a bit, at least! If you have any questions, just drop me a quick line (and link this, too, please, if it's about this poem in particuliar).
-Bek
Hiya Pinkangel! I'm Selene, and I don't believe we've met before. *shakes hand* Nice to meet you. ^_^
I. Nit-Picks
Change "strokes" to 'strikes.' It'll sound less awkward.
Since it's possessive, make "butterflies" 'butterfly's."
The first period should be a comma.
II. Stanza-by-Stanza
The first stanza shows the relationship beautifully through the girl's POV and how she experiences it.
The second stanza should mention some sort of passage of time, because the following stanza seems that it changes too abruptly. When you mentioned the butterfly's changing plans, that was helpful, but I'd like something a bit more straightforward.
The third stanza is a big change from your last, and I can see how the relationship has morphed into something horrible, and how the boyfriend is no longer loving. The change in your poem is perfect for 'The Butterfly Effect'.
The fourth stanza finishes the poem up quite nicely.
III. Imagery
Your imagery is beautifully done, but I felt you could go just a bit more into it so I could get an even clearer picture of this scenario. For example, you could describe how his lips taste or what he looks like. I could feel that emotion, but I'm blind without the imagery. I can tell you can do so much more, so let it all flow into the poem. I want to see it, not just feel it. I want the whole experience.
IV. Formatting
I love your formatting on this, because it fits in with the poem so well. Making the lines in those longer stanzas the same length, though, would look even better!
V. Overall
I liked the idea for this, and you wove it into 'The Butterfly Effect' so well. If you'd ever like me to review some more poetry, feel free to PM me.
Hey there pink. So, poetry isn’t generally my strongest place, but I can say with certainty that this is very good and it could be great with a little work.
So I want to make mention of your word choice here. You use words right away that give an image of something soft, but ‘marble’ doesn’t really bring with it that image. Something like ‘satin’ or ‘silk’ would keep with the soft theme here.
Something about the word ‘from’ bothers me in this line. To my ears, it feels wrong. Why not try something like ‘with’ instead.
‘My’ feels very repetitive in this line. I would recommend cutting the first ‘my’ that way the idea isn’t altered, but the repetition is gone.
Overall
This is a very wonderful poem and the theme is beautiful and very powerful. Not to mention, the word choice is brilliant and the flow of the poem is great. The idea of a butterfly having such a profound effect on a life is something I’ve yet to see. It reminds me of an episode of the sitcom ‘Scrubs’ when a butterfly has a very intense effect on the whole story.
Anyway, you can always come back to my Will Review for Food thread if you want a review from me. PM me if you have any questions.
~lilymoore
Good poem! I like the style and construction.
Some lines sound very typical such as "Making every nerve in my body tingle" and "Like I’m a worthless piece of trash." Maybe try to re-word them in a creative way?
I really like this though. I relate to it very well. Why is it that we tend to like the guys that treat us this way?!
This poem was really nice and constructed with subtlety.Here are somethings I thought that might help you:
His artistically calloused hands
Avoid the use of big words when it really is not giving the required effect.It indicates wastage of the poem.You sound annoyingly artistic in this line.
Making every nerve in my body tingle.
Revise the construction of this sentence because it is very commonly used.
Apart from this there is nothing you really need to change.The way you brought out the butterfly effect was simply fantastic and creative.
You packed lot of meaning and sophistication in the last two lines.
Keep this style of writing in your poems alive.
Do not bother to change the rating.