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Hear my Plea

by philoneist

Again and again,
knowing that there's nothing to gain,
hiding the hurt and pain,
washing away my sorrows in the cold rain,
I pine after the heart that shook my soul.

The tears that mask the grief in my eyes,
raining down as excuses and lies,
flood my mind and drown my world
and yet, these emotions remain sad and cold.

In the moonless sky, You are the brightest star,
wounding me with your presence, leaving a scar.
But in the end, I am just a shadow haunted by your light,
so in this silence where actions fail and words prevail,

I whisper to the winds, I Love You.

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75 Reviews

Points: 2162
Reviews: 75

Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:04 am
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SilverBerry wrote a review...

Heyo! Silverberry here for a review! I actually really enjoyed your poem, it flowed well, had a lot of emotion that I could feel as I was reading it, and your use of imagery was really nice. Pining after someone after a breakup is a little cliché when it comes to writing poetry, but what is writing if not expanding on ideas? I think you wrote very well and you had your own unique additions to this theme. Nice job!

This said, there are some edits I advise you to make to make the poem more perfect. Mostly it has to do with structure, which is quite important in poetry. First of all, your had very good rhymes and they didn't seem to constrict you for you still had long sentences filled with nice descriptions, but the scheme of the rhyme was broken.
In the first stanza, you have AABBC, and I thought that it was a nice touch to not have your last line rhyme, but I would suggest doing that for every stanza, for consistaency's sake. In the next stanza, im not sure if your were trying to rhyme "world" with "cold", for that wouldn't work. Either way, I think you could add another line here and fix the scheme. I think the final stanza is perfect, for if you include the I love you line (and I like that you put this a little seperate from the rest of the stanza), the scheme is perfect.

To help you with the structure and scheme, I would suggest breaking the long sentences, so here I agree with @charlottejoness about enjambment. Then your lines wouldn't have to be as long and you could play around with structure.

I would just like to say that I love how you continues your rain and water metaphors. I also love the last stanza the most with the moon reference, it is truly very beautiful and raw emotion seems to be embedded into it. I also like the fact that your last line is a little shorter and all on it's own, for it makes it more dramatic and puts more emphasis on "I love you". Really good job!

Anyways, all in all I really loved your poem and I think it was done very well. Your imagery and descriptions were great as well as your use of rhyme. You could use some tweaking here and there, but otherwise wonderful job! Keep writing and I hope I helped!

philoneist says...

Thank you! I was unaware that consistency needed to be maintained but I did get the feeling that structure seemed wobbly. I was torn between maintaining the rhyme and letting my words flow, as I have read some of the reviews for others works and found out that rhyming doesn't really matter.

Now that I think about it, it seems like a collection of uncertainties for me. I was hoping to make the stanza sound discreet but it appears that it interrupted the flow.

Thank you for the review! It provided some valuable insights to me.

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12 Reviews

Points: 91
Reviews: 12

Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:42 pm
charlottejoness wrote a review...

I really loved reading this poem, it's very powerful and your use of imagery is vivid. The rhyme in it puts a nice, flowing effect to the poem. I think that the use of enjambment (run on lines to the next) would have made the poem sound more flowy, however that's only my opinion. The repetitive use of commas and full stops at the end of your lines put a nice effect on the poem also :)

I really enjoyed this, please write more :)

philoneist says...

Thank You! I am glad to hear that my imagination appeals to the readers. I was uncertain about the use of rhyming, as I have heard that it's not necessary for the lines to rhyme but I am relieved that it worked. :D

Thank you for the advice regarding 'enjambment'. That's news to me!

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279 Reviews

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:31 am
Steggy wrote a review...

Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

So, this poem, from a first impression is talking about the narrator's grief after breaking up with someone. There are tons of poems out there that deal with this type of thing and often times this leads to cliches being formed. Basically, you should form your own idea from a cliche idea. Be wary of when you use cliches in poetry because often times those cliches seem to drag the poem on and the reader gets bored of reading it.

With poetry, it is always best to have some form of background as to why the narrator is speaking their woes. To me, it helps the reader understand what is happening and why it is happening. This can go for all works of literature and also aids in some description for the reader's imagination.
Another thing I noticed when reading this poem is rhyming pattern. As the reviewer below me commented on, it seems like this type of poem could be better as a freestyle because the rhyming just makes it feels more cliche than what it is intended to.

I pine after the heart that shook my soul.

I'm a little confused by this line. What do you mean by pine? As a suggestion, always reread your work before publishing. You can find mistakes only you as the reader can figure out and change.

In the moonless sky, You are the brightest star,

Be careful with capitalizing improper nouns. Usually when you capitalize something, it means that it is a proper noun (ex: Taco Bell or Earth). There are times where we don't see this happening and we tend to ignore it; this is where proofreading comes in handy. ;)

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. There were times where it was sticky with cliches but I'm sure there are some people out there that could relate to this.

If you have any questions, let me know!


philoneist says...

Well, the poem just happened after I watched a depressing episode of a romantic anime. It might the side-effect of that event. One could even say that this poem was a way to vent out my feelings.

But it really is true that such sort of poems has turned into cliches. Sad fact.

I used 'pine' to convey the longing. The use of the verb in that particular sentence could be the reason for your confusion...?

The uppercase was because it was the first time I am mentioning the other character of this poem. I sort of ignored the rule to emphasize that fact. :P

Thank you for the advice! I really appreciate it!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:19 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there! Niteowl here to review this poem.

This poem seems to be expressing the emotion of heartbreak. It uses some nature imagery to showcase the speaker's pain. In the end, it reveals that they still love this person. I like the lines about washing away sorrow in the rain and "I am just a shadow haunted by your light".

That said, I feel like this piece is weakened by a common tendency to rhyme at all costs. Rhyme can be an effective poetic device, but it's really hard to pull off well. Heck, I just got critiqued the other day for having some forced rhymes in my lyrics. For this reason, I generally recommend playing with free verse, where you can find the most powerful words without worrying about the rhyme.

There is some interesting imagery and metaphor in this, and I would work on developing those in future works. Keep writing! :)

philoneist says...

That's one of my major uncertainties; Whether to rhyme or let my words flow. Even the reviews present a conflicting scenario :(

Hope I my experiences teach me when and when not to.

Thank you for the review!

Everyone left so I'm turning this into a writing club. Behave.
— LadyBird