Young Writers Society

Hey there, philoneist!

I really enjoyed this poem -- the themes, the rhyme, and especially the way you've concluded it. Sometimes I find that having a rhyme scheme can constrict the poem, force out lines that sound in some way vaguely contrived, but I think you've done it wonderfully here! Since I'm on the subject, I do want to start briefly with the rhyming here.

that while the cuffs are keyed, the heart is chained against your will.


Bright and broken is your baleful smile,
you know that no such act is worth your while.

In some parts, there is a sense that a line is being overloaded, such as in the first line I've picked out here, and the third. Perhaps it's intentional, and if that's the case, take this as you will. :^) The first line in this excerpt is a bit of a mouthful for the reader, though, especially if they try to read it with the same rhythm the lines preceding this have so naturally. It is, however, a line with beautiful imagery and a subtle linguistic grace, so whether or not you change it is entirely up to you! As for the third line, I feel there might be an extra syllable there -- which is no big deal, just thought I'd point it out!

That's honestly all I really have to say here, though. I don't often read poems with rhyme, though it's not a conscious avoidance, hence I'm fairly rusty when it comes to reviewing them. You write with a very immersive poetic voice, and that's what really drew me to this poem. The message, I think, is also a very worthwhile one -- for me, it was a (very eloquent) reminder of the false pretenses people put up whether for pride, maintaining some semblance of perfection, self-protection or for multiple other reasons, and through this melancholic description, it charted a narrative of forgiveness for that very imperfection in hopes of self-acceptance. However, since interpretation is quite personal, I'm interested to know if that was indeed what you had intended, or whether you had something else in mind!

Finally, this:

So when the mists dissipate and the sky is clear,
hold your head high and proclaim that you're here.

I have a deep and abiding love for circular or self-aware poetry, and especially for great endings, and I really think you did the conclusion justice (or perhaps did the title justice, since it ties so well with the end). Thank you for sharing this poem, and if you have any questions about anything in this review, feel free to ask. I'm looking forward to the writing you do in the future!

~hexglass