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A Letter from Lancelot- Revised 2

by pendr


Eleanora,

I write to you possibly the best news I will ever tell. I once again have run into Prince Arthur of Camelot along my journeying. He is now King of Camelot, as I’m sure you’ve been informed. But this time was not like the others. I have fulfilled my life goal. I have achieved the greatest honor I could have ever hoped for in my life and have become a knight of Camelot. I have already experienced the joys and pains of knighthood in my very short time of being one. I will be staying here for as long as I must, and I hope you will write to me now that I have somewhere I will be staying longer than a few days.

Words cannot describe how much I miss speaking to you, dear friend. I remember when you first visited my village, Trell, with your father. You found very few herbs that you needed, but we did build a bond of friendship that became very strong. We spent months playing silly games while your father would go and research the plants around the small group of houses. He would occasionally ask for our help, I recall, which was always my favorite because it was an exciting craft to learn about. He taught us so many remedies when we were in the forest searching with him. How I miss those days. I hope we see each other again soon. Until we do, I will continue to write as much as I can, and will wait patiently until you respond.

On a new matter, Merlin, Arthur’s servant, the one with magic, is more talented and noble than ever. He still receives no credit for his actions, and cannot tell anyone of his gifts, for magic is still banned in Camelot, as you know very well. He is reckless, yet manages to not be caught. He is proof that magic can be used for good, just as your parents were. I only wish he would reveal himself to Arthur, for I know Arthur would accept it, unlike Uther. I truly believe he is the only hope for changing Arthur’s mind. Yet, I know the grief that comes to you at the mention of sorcery, so I will say no more.

Camelot is a beautiful and thriving city. Arthur makes a just king, which is something that has surprised us all. He helps his people, even the ones that he does not know. Knighthood is not exactly what I expected; the journeys are long and arduous, but the adventure is always unique, which helps to keep things interesting and lively. We travel for hours with little rest in between, and when we arrive, we often find a village that is corrupt or destroyed. Often there is little that we can do, but Arthur is persistent in his trials. He does anything he can to improve the lives of his people. This is what makes him a magnificent king of Camelot.

Every day we are not on a quest, we are training. Arthur often says that a day that goes by without practice is a day wasted. I understand this very well, but it is also painful to get hit down with a sword multiple times every day. Even so, it is easy to laugh off a loss with friends.

I fear, dear Eleanora, that I have no more to say and no more time to say it. I hope you will write, and if you do, send your letter to Camelot’s castle. Perhaps you can even visit someday, though I know it is not an easy trek. I will miss you until then.

I wish you the best fortune,

Lancelot


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77 Reviews


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Wed Dec 30, 2015 4:54 am
FeatherPen wrote a review...



Hello Pendr, Happy review day!
I take it this is from the TV series Merlin? Having watched them I can tell where this fits in. It is cool to see something from Lancelot’s point of view.

“Every we are not on a quest, we are training.” Read to me like they are never on quests and only train. ‘When we are not on a quest, we are training.’

I can see that you have rewritten this letter a few times and its improvement as you have. Are you aware that you can edit a published work if you do not want to spend more points on reposting it?

I think that in medieval times the letter would have been addressed more formally, with at minimum a Dear before the Elenanora. You could use this to give us more information by addressing the letter Dear Lady Elenanora of ………….. that is if she is a noble, if not Dear Elenanora of ………….. brook/town/land.

It is nice to see a fan fic that is not; harry potter, Sherlock or Dr who. (Not that I am against any of them!) I look forward to seeing where you go with this as Camelot has a wide scope to play with.




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77 Reviews


Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

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Wed Dec 30, 2015 4:54 am
FeatherPen says...



sorry double post




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Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:00 am
nosirrah123 wrote a review...



I like this short story, but it flowed poorly and as a result was difficult to follow. There are several factors that contributed to the weak structure that your story suffers from.

I'll start off by talking about your punctuation. Your problem is that you just use too much. I was interested in the story, but I found myself wandering because it stopped so often. The use of commas allows for sentences to be arranged in interesting ways, but you have to remember that commas require the reader to pause. If the reader has to pause too much, then they'll lose interest and the mind will start to wander. Try to rethink your sentences so that they can state an idea without having to use excessive punctuation.

The next problem would be the arrangement of your sentences. Especially in the first paragraph, a thread of logic was not established that lead from one thought to the next. Writing is often done out of order, with words and sentences being added and subtracted during the editing process. Sometimes this makes it difficult to maintain a linear sequence of thoughts that justify and compliment each-other. However, it is necessary to make sure that the thoughts make sense in order or the reader will have trouble understanding them. Try re-arranging and re-writing sentences so that they are connected in a logical and understandable manner.

Sentence diversity also contributed to the poor flow. Too many of your sentences began with "I," especially in the first paragraph. This lack of diversity makes the words seem boring and repetitious, and causes a lack of interest in the reader.

Possibly the biggest downfall of this story was that your overall structure is messy. I don't quite grasp what the main idea of the passage was supposed to be. You seem to have many thoughts and ideas, but they aren't quite strung together properly to form a cohesive whole. You need to decide exactly what ideas are trying to communicate, and how these ideas can be made related so that they transition smoothly from one to another.

The problem here is not that you don't have a hook, because you do. "I write to you possibly the best news I will ever tell." is an excellent hook, it just doesn't connect to the rest of the text that well.

This is a nice letter, but it's just a bit all over the place. All the pieces are here, you just need to sit down and figure out the proper arrangement. Throw me a PM if you end up rewriting this, as I'd like to know how it ends up.





Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.