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A Letter from Lancelot- Revised

by pendr


Eleanora,

I write to you possibly the best news I will ever tell. I once again have run into Prince Arthur of Camelot along my journeying. He is now King of Camelot, as I’m sure you’ve been informed. But this time was not like the others. I have fulfilled my life goal. I have achieved the greatest honor I could have ever hoped for in my life and have become a knight of Camelot. I have already experienced the joys and pains of knighthood in my very short time of being one. I will be staying here for as long as I must, and I hope you will write to me now that I have somewhere I will be staying longer than a few days.

It’s been hard without being able to speak to you, friend. Words cannot describe how much I miss speaking to you, Eleanora. I hope we see each other again soon. Until we do, I will continue to write as much as I can, and will wait patiently until you respond.

Merlin, Arthur’s servant, the one with magic, is more talented and noble than ever. He still receives no credit for his actions. He is reckless, yet manages to not be caught. He is proof that magic can be used for good, just as your parents were. I only wish he would reveal himself to Arthur, for I know Arthur would accept it, unlike Uther. I know the grief that comes to you at the mention of sorcery, so I will say no more.

Camelot is a beautiful and thriving city. Arthur makes a just king, which is something that has surprised us all. He helps his people, even the ones that he does not know. Knighthood is not exactly what I expected; the journeys are long and arduous, but they are all different problems, which helps to keep things interesting. We travel for hours with little rest in between, and when we arrive, we often find a village that is corrupt or destroyed. Often there is little that we can do, but Arthur is persistent in his trials. He does anything he can to improve the lives of his people. This is what makes him a magnificent king of Camelot.

I fear, dear Eleanora, that I have no more to say and no more time to say it. I hope you will write, and if you do, send your letter to Camelot’s castle. Perhaps you can even visit someday, though I know it is not an easy trek.

I wish you the best fortune,

Lancelot


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359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 8:05 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review this fine Review Day! I remember reading the original version of this letter, and I think I remember seeing this lurking in the Green Room somewhere, but I completely forgot to read or review it, so apologies for that!

I feel like this was definitely an improvement on the last version, and the few criticisms I may have are just nitpicks. :)

It’s been hard without being able to speak to you, friend. Words cannot describe how much I miss speaking to you, Eleanora.


Personally, I felt this bit read really awkwardly. The style of these two sentences is much the same – a statement followed by a comma followed by a term of address. Moreover, the “Eleanora” doesn’t add anything extra. We know she’s called Eleanora because that bit is in the start of the letter. What we don’t know before we read this bit is that she’s Lancelot’s friend. So I would consider changing it to:

It’s been hard without being able to speak to you, friend. Words cannot describe how much I miss speaking to you.


The other thing about this sentence that I don’t like is how you reuse the phrase “speak to you”. Maybe change one of them, or perhaps even delete a sentence? To be honest, you’re just saying the same thing twice here.

the journeys are long and arduous, but they are all different problems


I think I know what you mean, but it actually doesn’t make sense. It’s not the journeys that are the problems, it is the reasons behind going on the journey that are the problems.

I fear, dear Eleanora, that I have no more to say and no more time to say it.


I really like this bit for some reason.

And I think that’s all I have. Sorry I took so long to get around to reading this, and feel free to let me know when you upload more! I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next. Keep writing!




pendr says...


This really helped me in noticing things I wouldn't have otherwise! Thank you, and it's not a problem that you didn't do it right away.
I think I'll be uploading another revised version of this (sorry, I'm gonna start posting more soon) in the next few days.
Thanks again!



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Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:13 pm
RedHoodWriter wrote a review...



Hey Pendr
I thought I could write you a review!
Okay first of all I have to say I love anything to do with Merlin ( Just getting into it so I don't know much yet) so I am so glad that I was able to stumble upon your writing!!!

I have already experienced the joys and pains of knighthood in my very short time of being one.


Okay here Maybe you could go into what some of those experiences were. Like you don't have to come out and flat out say what training he is going through but try to give some insight of what it is? If that makes any sense Like what is good about being a knight? What is it that is making it so hard on Lancelot? Is the training experiences rigorous? Ways you can do this is like talking about him being sore or mentioning small things like maybe a practice fight he has with Arthur.

Maybe you could add in a part about how he might of interacted with Uther. I think that could throw in a interesting twist to the story- especially considering how you mentioned how Merlin has to kinda hide who he is.

Another part I would look over is this
It’s been hard without being able to speak to you, friend. Words cannot describe how much I miss speaking to you,


Who is Eleanora? I might just be missing all of this and it is going just right over my head. SO I apologize if that is happening. But the reason I say that is you mention that he misses her but there isn't a connection between the two. Like I feel like I could feel his emotion more if there was a like said relationship ... if that makes sense.

I fear, dear Eleanora, that I have no more to say and no more time to say it. I hope you will write, and if you do, send your letter to Camelot’s castle. Perhaps you can even visit someday, though I know it is not an easy trek.


With this part maybe you could add in a little bit more detail with like what Lancelot was facing the day he sent to letter. Also where is he sending it to? where is he from? You could show this while hinting at the past between Lancelot and Eleanora by saying something like... oh how I miss the time when we *insert activity that mentions the area where he is from* This way you show where he is from and hint at their relationship

If I have an overall comment it would to be to elaobrate more. I know its a letter but like I feel like there are just some details that could be added to help the story. I hope his review helps. Keep up the great work! YAY MERLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~RedHoodWriter




pendr says...


Eleanora is a character I made up for the fanfiction this is a prologue to.
Thank you for taking time to help me! I made changes that hopefully tell more about both characters and their lives!
Thanks again!




The wince that you wince when you see your quote in the quote generator is quite a wince, I tell ya. To know that the whole YWS community has read and judged your quote is quite an awkward feeling like oh noes. *manly blush*
— Arcticus