Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
fingers grip tightly to the dagger and man staggers behind, his frothy mouth, his widened eyes, his fearful gaze, he has come to his final demise.
often unruly, often forgotten, my dream of the bloodied dagger my hands were holding.
a piercing rage, one that grows slowly- a rage that eats me, as i swallow in quiet.
my bed creaks dangerously, hot burns onto my skin, leaks my eyes, and streaks my pages.
a flicker of anger turns into a horrid beast- and it chases me, chases and i run, run with all my might. Sometimes I stand and feel it's enormous jaws, it claws on my skin, skin rags, i see its despise as i diffuse into it's being.
like my name spells it's. the beast cradles me within
rage holds my hands, rage kisses my tears, rage feeds my hunger, rage buries its head on my shoulders.
rage kisses my hands, its hand slithers across my neck, it whispers goodbyes- but it never leaves.
my father is married to anger. my mother quivers at his wife.
my mother is presumably anger, my mother is also shaking in fear,
hence rage compensates me, it disappears when i fear.
because i have two mothers, rage and fear. And i hollow when father kisses them.
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138,685 Literary Works • 672,241 Reviews
Hi again!
Whoa! This whole poem feels like it is being swallowed by rage, which works really well considering that rage is literally personified throughout the poem. I really like how you don’t just describe anger as an emotion, but turn it into a beast, a parent, a lover, a whole living force that the narrator can’t fully separate themself from. That’s probably my favourite thing about the poem!
I also think the frantic sentence structure fits the subject matter well. The longer lines and repeated phrases make the poem feel like a spiral, or like the narrator is trying to outrun their own thoughts yet can’t quite get away. That being said, I do think there are a few places where punctuation and grammar could be cleaned up.
This is a really dramatic opening! It throws us immediately into a violent, cinematic image, which definitely grabs attention. I especially like "his frothy mouth, his widened eyes, his fearful gaze" because the repetition of his gives the description a fitting panicked rhythm.
One little thing I’d suggest is adding "a" before "man," and maybe breaking the sentence up a bit. Right now there are a lot of ideas packed into one line, so something like this might read more smoothly:
Definitely just an example! But I do think line breaks could make the opening be more impactful, especially because the image is already so strong.
I like the repetition of "often" here. It gives the poem a recurring quality, like this isn’t a one-time image but something that keeps returning. The sentence itself feels a little fragment-y, though. That can work in poetry, but I wonder if you could make the connection clearer between "unruly," "forgotten," and the dream.
Maybe something like:
I think separating it out could make it feel more deliberate.
This line has some really vivid physical imagery, especially "streaks my pages." I love how that brings writing into the poem, like the body/emotion is leaking into the act of making the poem itself. "Hot burns onto my skin, leaks my eyes" is a little confusing grammatically. I think I understand what you mean, but the image might be clearer if you adjusted it. For example:
That way the reader knows what is burning/leaking/streaking.
This line has some really cool ideas, but I think it could use the most cleanup. First, "it’s" should be "its" both times, because you mean possession, not "it is." So:
Also, "despise" is usually a verb, so "I see its despise” sounds a little off. Maybe "disgust," "hatred," or "contempt" would fit better? For example:
I actually really like "diffuse," though! It has this scientific feel to it, and I interpreted it as meaning the narrator isn’t being destroyed all at once but slowly spreading into the beast. So if you like the sound of it, I think you can keep it.
I love the idea of "two mothers, rage and fear." That is such a strong ending, and I liked how it builds upon the earlier family references. It feels like the narrator has been raised by emotions, or they're blinded by the over-emotional of their parents, and they begin to see their life differently because of it.
Overall, this is a really intense poem. I think your strongest element is definitely personification. Those images are so interesting, and they make the poem feel much more original. I think you could experiment with line breaks more! Right now it reads almost like a prose poem, which does work for the breathless feeling, but some of your strongest lines would feel more powerful if they had more room around them. Totally just my opinion though!
I hope this review is helpful!
Pru
thankyou for the review!
hey hey! ^_^
we forgot all about this place, but we wanted to review this!
thoughts
[1] the emotional intensity here is really striking! the poem feels almost feverish, like rage is not just an emotion but a physical creature, a family member, a lover, and a wound all at once. we especially liked rage holds my hands, rage kisses my tears, rage feeds my hunger -- the repetition makes rage feel intimate and terrifying, which is SO effective.
[2] the central metaphor of rage as a beast works really well! it chases, claws, cradles, kisses, whispers, and never leaves. that progression is compelling because rage starts as something external and monstrous, but slowly becomes something almost domestic. the line the beast cradles me within is especially haunting because it turns violence into comfort, which fits the family imagery at the end.
[3] the ending is probably the strongest part thematically. because i have two mothers, rage and fear is such a good line! it gives the poem a clearer emotional center and makes the earlier violence feel inherited rather than random. the father/mother/rage/fear dynamic is disturbing in a very intentional way.
suggestions
[1] the grammar/punctuation sometimes distracts from the force of the poem. places like it's enormous jaws and into it's being should probably be its unless the mistake is intentional. also, the first sentence is very long, so the dagger image might hit harder if it were broken up.
[2] some images feel slightly unclear in a way that may not be intentional. for example, skin rags is interesting, but we weren’t sure if it means skin tears, skin drags, or skin becomes rag-like. if you want the reader to feel the violence immediately, sharpening a few of these phrases would help!
[3] the line like my name spells it's is intriguing, but we weren’t totally sure what it means. if it’s meant to suggest identity, possession, or destiny, maybe clarify it just a little, because it feels important!
overall, this is raw and unsettling in a really memorable way. the poem’s biggest strength is how it makes rage feel alive and inherited. we enjoyed reading this!!
~ adore
thank you for the review!