passion waits before she talks to me
they call it, 'she hesitates'
but i pay her no mind as she feasts into my brain, her ruthless chatter, something within's demise.
passion sighs as she sits beside my chair, in my dull boring room, holding posters i no long care. passion holds my hand, ushering me—
i give her a stare before she apologetically leaves
passion calls me through the window,
i pay her no mind,
my hands are busy with itself,
my nose is breathing in the past.
and i try avoiding her angry gaze— she wants to give me a piece of her mind,
but i stare into the blue void silghtly above her head,
the melody of the brushing trees and the quiet smell of the departing breeze.
passion held my hand once and i pushed her away
she tried to offer me water but i dumped it in her face
in my defense, in my defense, she talked too much i said
passion did not hesitate when i was 9, she embraced me and i hugged her— it was fine.
passion retorted at my idiotic appeal, and i blew raspberry
passion held me as i slept,
passion pointed at my jarry breath
passion grinned at my incoherent words
passion laughed at my jittery chords.
each day she came, to my homey abode.
today my mother knocked at my door, i hesitated before i peeked outside
'passion, passion shes here.' she wearily breathed
i locked the door behind me, slithering to sleep.
passion never visited again,
i heard she waits before she talks to me
and i yearn for her to return
but perhaps its a requite that came too late
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Thank you, @youngdreamer, for noticing the repetition and diction. These were probably the two aspects I revised the most, so I'm glad they came thru. Also, "jarry breath" was my attempt to convey a slightly harsh tone, but I entirely get why it was confused. I may replace it with "jarring breath" or completely restructure the line. roblox clicker
Thanks for mentioning Langston Hughes's Harlem! I'd heard of it but never sat down to read it. I will definitely check it out.
Good afternoon!
Okay I do love how the beginning of the poem already reflects how unusual this perspective is. I am especially curious why the last verse of the first stanza is so much longer than the others. And that line about feasting into the brain sounds haunting! :3
Hmm I think I know what the poem is about: seizing the inspiration when it comes, even if it might be inconvenient? Although I feel like the message is muddled, or maybe it didn’t really reach me?
I’m not sure what you mean with the hands are busy with themselves. Did the narrator have better things to do? You didn’t really specify why exactly they didn’t want to talk to passion other than she is annoying? Like, were they focused on learning something they had no interest in because this is the proper way? Or were they simply not interested in doing anything at all?
The mention of childhood and embracing passion then is also striking, so whatever the problem in the later years has been, it wasn’t a problem when they were a child.
So maybe, the things they are passionate about were “childish” and they felt embarrassed so they pushed passion away until now, when they realise it doesn’t matter what others think---but now the feeling is lost forever?
Now I had to think abt it a lot more than I initially thought!
There are a couple of typos in the poem, are they intentional?
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Helloooo palshlong!
This won't exactly be a properly-formatted and detailed review, buttttt I loved your poem so I had to write somethinggg!😍
- Love the personification of passion (I'm pretty sure you meant the concept and not a person named "passion"...just to confirm?) --it makes this poem so much more interesting, unique and relatable!
- LOVED the constant back and forth between the speaker and passion throughout her life; sometimes the speaker was the one who gladly accepted passion, whereas other times the speaker rejected it/them, and in the last stanza it seems like passion left...possibly permanently.
- Loved your usage of repetition with "passion", as well as with a few other words/phrases. It may seem like I'm glazing but I promise you I genuinely loved this poem SO much!!!❤️🤭🤭
- The light rhyming that appeared multiple times throughout the poem, even if it was in the same line, really helped it flow. For instance, "chair" and "care" in the second stanza, and "nine" and "fine" in the fifth one.
- I love your powerful, unique word choice. It makes the descriptions so much more enthralling when you use words like "gaze," "abode," "requite," and "demise" instead of more traditional ones we hear all the time. Clearly your vocab is on another LEVEL!
Only two things I would suggest as potential improvements:
- The lengths of your lines are quite inconsistent, and if that's a deliberate/personal choice that's of course fine, but I think more line breaks could enhance the light rhyming scheme I mentioned earlier. So, for example, if you added a line break after "chair" in the second stanza and after "9" in the fifth (or maybe sixth?) stanza.
- I was confused on what you meant by "jarry breath"? Is it the same as "jarring breath", because that's all that came up when I googled it?
Overall, I think this poem really speaks to how all humans are often internally fighting the desire to pursue their hobbies and dreams in some way, throughout their lives. Some may try to pursue them and fail, others may put them aside, and some may encounter unfortunate life experiences that make them feel like they've lost their "spark," which kind of seems to be what the speaker experienced in this poem.
Hope this was somewhat helpful & there is a poem titled "Harlem" by Langston Hughes about dreams that I think you might enjoy!
keep writing & God bless!! <3