Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Since there is nothing here, I am just going to lock this work. If you want it to be unlocked, just PM me or any other moderator, and we'll be sure to unlock it for you.
"I publish and write, when I can and..."
Don't put a comma here.
"spell my own name, yet alone type a freaking story, I'm..."
Put a period after "story" and take out "freaking," I like the humor you use though.
"I know my updates are scattered, I apologize, but I have this thing, it's called a life, and I kind of have to live it."
Holy schitzel that's a lot of commas. If you're putting in more than three commas in a sentence.. you know you have wwayyy to many.
"hunt you down and punch you"
Surely she can do a far better threat than just plain ol' "punching," considering she would be putting all the effort into hunting someone down. Maybe say butcher instead.
Don't put "STOP READING" in caps, maybe just put it in bold.
Ok you use profanity far too much in here, I can understand it at some times, in which case it can be funny. However, you just use it excessivly and it makes your piece difficult to read.
Ok, you put far to many commas in every single sentence. You'll make the reader just go insane if you continue that throughout the entirty of the book. Definitely cut down on that, furthermore you have just one giant block of text. Break this up into paragraphs so it's easier for the reader to read.
On another note, I like this topic idea that your writing about. I think it has great potential, you use great humor and I laughed a couple times while reading this. I think the sassy attitude of your narrator is great, certainly explore that style more. Do let me know when you next post your chapter. I hope my comments helped, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh