Set In Stone

Alright~ I am here because I am going to move on the second chapter after this. I'm glad you kept writing the same idea, though this seems posted much earlier than your recent chapter. Anyway, let's begin~

Both of them addicted to well, you name it they became addicted to it.

No, no, no~ You can't get away with this. Readers know full well that you are, in fact, just avoiding the choice of a drug, because that makes you responsible for keeping your following story accurate to the drug, effects of the drug, and lifestyle of the drug. But it's a responsibilty you're going to have to take, because we cannot work with "well, you name it". We're not the writers. You are! I am thoroughly interested in what drug brings a couple to sell their child. Like, how do these people function day to day? You tell us they started with pain pills, which is a good start, but there are a lot of people out in the world that can read your work. And a lot of people out in the world have been on drugs, and a lot of people know specifics and won't buy generalities. I haven't been on drugs, but I know from hearing a lot of work in my workshops at my college that people are, and they write with specificity. They're not going, "oh, so i was high on whatever, you know". Details make it feel real.

thousands of people have the same story I do

Mm, thousands of people have been sold by their parents for drugs? No, not at all. I don't think so. Don't down play this. You can accept your terrible circumstances and still not make it a sob story. Denying it makes it seem even more like this narrator is secretly actually trying to garner pity.

Okay, I'll go with you on the selling to a vampire thing, but like... how would her parents even react to knowing it was a vampire? How would they even be connected to a vampire? What do they think of vampires? I wanna know more about the parents so they seem like real people and not plot devices to be waved around at your will! c:

The only good thing that came from that was I could see my younger sister, bound and gagged on the other side of the seat as well.

This sounds like seeing her bound and gagged was a good thing.

Be very careful in how you write your sentences. Be conscientious. I'm going to try to refrain from stopping every line to comment now, so you can get an overall picture of my feelings before I tackle chapter two. c:

Ooh, and here's a bad thing I'll note to you so you can keep track of it. I paid attention until a man got in the car with her, but after that I skimmed until I found dialogue. You can have description. You need description, but imagine a play with too much silence. No one wants to watch it. No one wants to hear dead air on the radio. In the same way, dialogue serves as a marking point of action in most prose, so if you go a really long time without it, just dragging through description after description, you lose our interest. What's especially dangerous about it in this part is I think you described the vampire dude in the paragraph before the next line of dialogue. Slip it in nicely. Don't info dump.

I follow their dialogue well, though it doesn't seem quite realistic. Would people in that position really say that? Consider and read aloud to see if it works for you.

Then I didn't want to read about what the house looked like either, so that paragraph slipped by me.

I'm telling this because you need to write what people want to read. Don't write what they skip!

What does he mean by a "real life" for her little sister? Seemed like the big sister was taking well enough care of her, though it was trying. But also, how'd the big sister get jobs in the first place? How old is she?

Anyways, we're at the end. I LOVED that ending, the fact that his face changes as soon as the deal is done. That's scary, foreboding, and even more exciting than the fact she had to sign in blood. We know he's not just a vampire in a human world -- a human who happens to suck blood -- but he's really a darker being.

I'm on to the next part~ PM me with questions~