z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Prologue and Chapter 1

by ofmonstersandmen1234


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

 Prologue

I open my eyes slowly and I’m in my dark room. My room is small and very dark with glow in the dark stars on the roof. I can barely see. The glow in the dark stars and the moon provide a little light. I cross over to the massive door that is half opened. It leads into the short dark hallway. I make my way over to the bathroom and try to reach the light switch but, my short arm can’t reach it. I hear a bump. It’s just Mamma or Pabbi. I think to myself. I can barely see out the door and I can see a dark, shadowy figure move across the hall.

I walk out of the bathroom to see it move into my parent’s room. I move in a little closer to just outside of the door. Whoever it was left the door ajar. I see a dark shadow standing over my father’s sleeping body and the figure raises a knife just above him. “Hætta!” I yell out just as it plunges the knife into my father’s body once, twice then, three times. The figure must not have heard my plea or just didn’t care. It continuously stabs my father. My mother wakes to my scream. She gets up but the figure is too quick for her.

The figure quickly moves over to her and takes the knife to her throat. The figure moves the knife quickly across her throat. I run back to the bathroom and close the door quietly. I stay in there in the dark for what feels like an eternity. I hear footsteps move quickly. When I’m fairly sure the person is gone, I walk out. I walk back to my parent’s room and I open the door.

I have to make sure this is real. This is real. They are really gone. I rush over to their bodies, over to my father. His lifeless corpse still on the bed a pool of blood surrounding him. Tears start to pour from my eyes and I shake him “PABBI!” I say. Then I move over to my mother. The surprised look on her face carries fear and sadness. “MAMMA!” I yell. I shake her lifeless corpse. She doesn’t respond. All I can do is cry.

Just like that, I am alone in the world. I am alone and no one will ever help.



Chapter1 (BÖÐÚLFUR’S P.O.V)

“Flýttu þér Bára áður en þeir taka eftir að við séumhorfin.” I say n between my panting. Bára suddenly picks up her pace; its one of the rare times that she does something that I asked her to doBára has been my friend since I was six, which is when I moved into the orphanage. I then realize that we’re now in Grundarfjörður, our town. I start to slow down. My lungs burn as if they’re on fire. We have to hide in the shadows. The orphanage isn’t far from the small sign that has “Velkomið að Grundarfjörður” carved into it.

When we reach the orphanage, we sneak to the back of the small, three-story building that seventy-two kids call home. Bára cautiously opens the door and I instantly smell hákarl. Nanna must be getting ready to feed all of us. Nanna is sixteen years old and isquite tall for her age. Bára is the same age as me but she is shorter, by about an inch, with brown and black hair.

Her dark green eyes are beautiful when the light hits them just right. I hope that they both love me. “Let’s try to sneak upstairs to our rooms,” Bára whispers to me so quietly that I can barely hear her.

“Good idea,” I reply quietly. We quickly, but cautiously, make our way over to the stairs. We make it to the top in just a few seconds “Bless,” I say to Bára quietly. I walk over to the door that leads to my room. I turn the cold brass knob quickly and slip into the room to find only one other person.

Håvard sits on his bed doing his homework. He was visiting Iceland for his grandmother’s funeral when his givers of life died. He had no other living family so the orphanage just kept him here in Iceland. He was only five when they died so he doesn’t remember them well. He is short for his age (he moved in three years after me). He is always happy and sees only the best in everyone he meets. His black hair shines in the sunlight. He looks up at me with his black eyes.

“What?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“Nothing.” He looks at his textbook then at me and asks

“How do you say Iceland in Icelandic?”I give him a smile.

“It can be Ísland or Íslandi,” I tell him.

”Takk fyrir and don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you snuck out,” he says. We both fall silent for a while. Tomorrow I have to take a lot of tests to determine if I have any disorders.

“Do you think that I’ll pass one of the many tests tomorrow?” I ask him to break the silence.

“I really hope you don’t.” He says quickly.

“Was it hard to learn Icelandic after knowing nothing but Norwegian?” I ask him. “Yes it was hard and I still mess up on some things but that is normal.” He says. I walk over to my bed and sit down slowly. “Hey, can you help me with my homework?” He asks. “Sure come here,” I say. He obeys and shows me his history ‘textbook’ and his assignment. I think they are trying to over work 6th graders. He has to write a three paged essay on the old world.

“We should get you a ‘textbook’ made in Norwegian,” I say even though it’s not a book. It’s an old tablet that the school gives us. We don’t get to use the old technology a lot.

“Come on everyone dinner is ready!” Nanna calls out. Håvard and I race out of the room, chasing each other, down the stairs and into the dining room. Nanna is sitting beside me. I look at what we are eating tonight. Nanna must have been feeling creative because she made quite a weird mix of food. The smell of the mix of food is unusual. Nanna made hákarl, hangikjöt, and many other foods that are served at different times of the year. “Hákarl?” asks Nanna.

“Já,” I say.

"Hvernig var dagurinn hjá öllum?"Álfríður the orphanage’s caretaker asks.

“Hann var góður,” Kristján says. He can only speak Icelandic.

“So Bára, Böðúlfur are you nervous about tomorrow?” Nanna asks.

“Yes. I’m very nervous.” Bára says.

“No,” I say.

Then there is an awkward silence so I say “Jæja.”. After that, we eat in silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After dinner began the long wait for the boys’ shower. I hate this part of the night. Everyone gets 5 minutes in the shower. I am the sixth person in the line that feels like it's miles long. Twenty-five minutes later it is my turn for the shower. I slowly open the door to the boys’ lavatory. When I first open the door a gust of thick hot steam sweeps over me.

I walk in the bathroom, slam the door shut quickly and, start to strip off my clothes. It has been a long day. I ease myself into the shower. Then I turn the faucet slowly. The warm waters hits my body slowly. I love this time of the day. The time when I can think. It is one of the few times that I can get some peace and quiet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I lay in my bed. The house is so quiet that I can hear the synthetic trees that produce more oxygen because of the destruction of America and Canada in 2078. I hear the soft sound of someone crying. I slowly get up and walk over to the door. I slowly turn the door knob. Then I walk out of the room that I share with the other boys between the ages of eleven and fourteen. The sound of someone crying is slightly louder.

When I look around the hallway I find Bára curled up into a ball next to the window that is at the end of the hallway. The moon gives me enough light that I can get to Bára without falling. When I reach the other side of the hallway where Bára is sitting I sit next to her. “What is wrong?” I ask her.

“What if… what if I pass all of the tests?” She asks. The tears continue to pour out of her eyes.

“Bára be real. The last person to pass every single test lived a long time ago. The chances of you passing every test or any of the tests are incredibly low.” I say very emotionlessly. I get up and go back to the shared room. Then I get back into bed and close my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake to Håvard shaking my body. “I’m awake!” I yell at him.

“Okay! No need to yell!” He says angrily.

“Now look at who's yelling,” I say.

“Be downstairs in less than five minutes!” He says right before he storms out of the room. I push myself out of the bed and walk over to the closet and open it. I pull out my black t-shirt and some black jeans and carefully slide the jeans on. Then I peel off my nightshirt and put the black one on.

When I walk out of the room I smell hafragrautur (oatmeal). I quickly make my way down the stairs. When I get to the ground floor I walk to the dining room. I see everyone at the table except for Bára. She must be in her shared room. I walk over to the seat next to Nanna. She is brushing her long black hair. “What’s up?” I say.

“Nothing,” She sighs “Are you ready for your tests?”

“Nope. Were you ever ready for the four times you took it?”

“Yes. I was after the first time.”

“Was it because you knew what to expect?”

“Yes. Sort of.”

“Oh.”

I grab a bowl and set it in front of me and then I grab the giant spoon in the bowl full of hafragrautur. I make myself a bowl of hafragrautur, shoveling hafragrautur into my bowl lazily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only thirty minutes before we can go to Mosfellsbær for the test.

“Good luck,” Bára says staring blankly at me.

“Good luck to you too,” I say a little too quietly. I hear the echoes of someone’s footsteps on the stairs. Then I see a gray long thin jacket. Nanna walks down the stairs as if she is a queen.

“Good luck you two. I hope you fail the test!” Nanna says gleefully. She walks over from the stairs to sit on the couch across from me. She takes the seat next to Bára. Her long black hair, that falls down to just below her shoulder blade, looks red in the sun.

I shake my head to make my hair in my eyes move. Bára smirks at this for some odd reason.

“What?” I ask her. She shakes her head and says

”Nothing.” I can tell she is lying.

“What?” I ask again very harshly.

“Why do you care?” She asks flipping her hair out of her face just like I did moments ago except for her hair is a lot longer than mine. She is so weird and I like that (sort of).

“So what are you two planning on doing after your test. I mean you have to stay in Mosfellsbær for two or three days after right. At least until the results are ready.“ Nanna says.

“Yes Nanna we do stay for a couple of days and, I plan on going to the new big mall. Where do you plan on going Bára?” I say leaning back on the couch.

“I think I will go to none of your business and fuck off stores.” She says. Nanna smirks at this and I have to roll my eyes.

“Bára you remind me so much of myself on the first test,” Nanna says.

“How so?” Bára asks with a very confused look on her face.

“You are…You just have…how do you say…You just don’t give a fuck... fucks… whatever it is you don’t give them.” Nanna says.

“I generally don’t.” She says. Nanna giggles “Me either.”

“Do you two ever care about anything?” I say with a curious sound in my voice that I hope they couldn’t hear it.

“Um… No. Never.” Bára says crossing her arms.

I push myself up from off the couch and say. ”I’m gonna go up to say bye to everyone.” Then I start to go over to the stairs. I reach them just as some of the younger boys run down the stairs laughing and they seem so happy. I slowly walk up these stairs where so many of the important moments of my life happened. Where I first met Bára. When we secretly watched as Håvard first came here after his parents died.

When I arrive on the second floor (the girl’s rooms) I see a little girl that reminds me of Bára in her green eyes and her short brown hair. Bára once told me that my eyes were so odd because they are white and she has never met a person with white eyes. It meant a lot to me. I wish she cared more about…well, everything. She only tries to get what she wants no matter what it takes or who it hurts.

I turn to walk up the second flight of stairs to go to the third floor. I look down to the first floor and remember when Nanna first got back from her test the first time. Everyone happy that she failed. I know that I’m not going to be gone for awhile but it still feels like I’m going away forever. I walk up the stairs and I really will miss this place even if it is only temporary.

I finally reach the third floor I see Håvard and I stop him. I pull him into a hug and he embraces my hug. “I’m going to miss you… Håvard.” I whisper into his ear.

“I’m going to miss you too but, aren’t you coming back?” He says just a little louder then I did and he breaks the hug.

“I don’t know Håvard,” I say. He walks away from me down the stairs. I walk down the corridor to the fourth door on the left and enter it.

Kristján, Brynjar, and Breki are the only ones in the room right now. The room has four beds on either side. The other two boys must be outside in the forest.

“Böðúlfur, we may not have gotten along in the past but I’ve grown….how do you say….fond of you,” Breki says turning towards me.

“I have too,” I say with a somber sound in my voice.

“Kristján, Brynjar,” I sigh. “I will miss both of you. Even though it is just going to be a week until I see you again.” Brynjar repeats what I said but, in Icelandic to Kristján.

Håvard bursts through the door quickly. The others walk out. To get food I assume. I start to get some clothes out of the box at the bottom of my bed. I ask Håvard if he thinks I should wear any of the clothes and he assures me that I will look fine in anything that I pull out.

I finish packing my small bag at a perfect time because of the P.C.M.I. trucks pull out front. Nanna calls my name and tells me to get down there now. I do as she says and walks as quickly as I can.

When I get downstairs I say my goodbyes to Nanna and the others. Then we leave. We just walk and we leave the building. The bright sun hits my pale skin and its warmth is delightful. The officer’s help me into the truck and they throw my stuff in the back of the truck.

I sit in the backseat of the truck making myself comfortable. The seats are made out of leather which is very expensive today. I hate leather.

“So, are you ready for your test?” Asks one of the officers.

“Nei.” I say “I do not think I will ever be ready for the test.”

“Why do you say that? I have been four times and it is not that difficult. It just asks you questions about you.” Says the officer that is driving now.

“I wish I didn’t have to take these stupid tests,” I say.

“Well you have to it is part of the law.”

“I know.”

Then we sit in silence for the rest of the ride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took us two hours and four minutes just to get into the city of Mosfellsbær. It took us 10 more minutes to get to the hotel we will stay in for the next week. The truck pulls to stop slowly. The officers get out and the first thing I notice is the guards lined up on the outside of the building.

There are ten trucks here already. All have the P.C.M.I. logo on the side of them. The man that was driving the truck opens my door and helps me out of the truck because it is suspended. When I’m on the ground another man hands me my bag and tells me to go to the front of the building and wait for another officer to escort me to the room I will be staying in.

I start to walk over to the front of the building slowly and carefully. When I reach the front of the building a woman is waiting for me. She doesn’t say anything to me she just grabs me by the arm and, leads me into the building.

The inside of the building is pretty. A magnificent chandelier is the first thing I notice about the place. It releases so much light. The walls are a crimson color. The furniture is black.

“I know it’s all breathtaking but we have to keep walking.” The woman who grabbed me by the arm earlier says. She has an accent but, it isn’t an Icelandic one. It sounds a bit like the British accent maybe an Irish accent.

“What is your name?” I ask her. She raises her eyebrow and says “My name is Orna Maura Ó Gormáin.”.

“You are not from here are you?” I ask.

“No, I’m not. I’m from Ireland. Why?”

“No reason.”

We walk in silence for a moment. “So…why did you choose to move away from the place where you were born to a place where no one speaks your native language?”

“I did it because I wanted to live here.”

It gets really quiet then. I wish that I could ask her more about why she moved here but, I know I shouldn’t. She leads me over to a desk with a woman that asks for my name. Then she hands Orna a key with the number thirty-two on the little card that is attached to the keychain.

Orna leads me towards what she calls a lift. I don’t like this ‘lift’ at all. The ride seems like it takes forever but it is quickly over. As soon as the doors slide open I run out of the elevator. Orna giggles at me which I give her the essential ‘fuck off’ look. She grabs my right arm and pulls me down the corridor. The door with thirty-two carved into it is at the very end of the long corridor. It is black.

Orna opens the door and I walk into the room. It has two beds a drawer and bathroom. There is a TV. on the drawer. There is a nightstand in between the two beds.

“You will be sharing this room with another boy. And don’t worry he is the same age as you.” Says Orna with a giggle.

“When will they be here?” I ask.

“As soon as I leave.” She says.

I sit on the bed and Orna leaves me alone in the room. I look around some more and I think that this place is very weird. Then someone opens the door. A boy who has shaggy blond hair and, blue eyes. He looks like he is about six inches taller than me and I’m only a couple of inches taller above average height.

“Hi,” I say.

“Hi, what’s up?” Says the boy.

“Nothing,” I say. That is all we say for awhile.

We go to bed at ten o’clock. I turn and toss in the bed but, I can’t get comfortable. It takes me forever to actually get comfortable. Once I get comfortable it is all over. I drift away into the place of dreams.              


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 34
Reviews: 9

Donate
Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:21 pm
View Likes
gingerbeardsan wrote a review...



This reminded me a little bit of the theme for The Golden compass. The Nordic language is beautiful and you chose well to do so.

If I was being honest, I felt your opening was a bit boring. It presented a well thought out mystery but it started out a little dry which can lead most readers to skip a prologue if their doing a first time read through. Also your use of the word 'figure' in the prologue seems a little over kill. I would try combining a few sentences, shorten those paragraphs up and make a point visually instead of simply telling the reader about events or objects and make them play into the dialogue.

Interesting concept, good set up for mystery, interested to read the next few chapters to see where it goes for the sci-fi genre






Thank you so much for the review and advice I will take it into consideration when editing which I am currently doing the self-edit.



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 238
Reviews: 28

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:51 am
View Likes
Ivywater wrote a review...



Hello ofmonstersandmen1234 (love that username), Ivywater here to review your work for review day.

Wow, this was an amazing chapter. It was extremely immersive and, honestly, left me with a lot of questions.

Grammar

I hear footsteps move quickly that is when I’m fairly sure the person is gone I walk out.

So I'm not exactly sure, but this sentence sounded rather out of place. You might want to change it to:
I hear footsteps move quickly. When I'm fairly sure the person is gone, I walk out.

It's rather similar to what niteowl said (It's the exact same , so sorry if I'm driving you crazy.

“Komdu Bára , áður en þeir átta sig á að við erum farin.”I say.

There should be a space between the quotation and the "I". I'm sure this is just a simple mistake caused by typing too fast, but it's still worth pointing out.
That being said, I think you should change it to where they speak English, and just say they're talking in a certain language. It makes it less confusing for the reader.

Bára is the same age as me but she is shorter ,by about an inch, with brown and black hair.

Again, probably just a mistake caused by typing too fast, but there should be no space between "shorter" and the comma. You should also put a space between the comma and "by".


That's pretty much all I can find.
Good luck on your story and happy writing.






Thank you. I hope you will stick around. Language will be fixed soon. And I hope you really liked it.



User avatar
1274 Reviews


Points: 35724
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:16 am
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there ofmonstersandmen1234 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review for the Green Room Lawn Mowers this fine Review Day.

Overall, I think you're setting up an interesting world here. I'm curious about what these tests entail and why they want to fail as opposed to pass.

That said, I'm not sure how I feel about the use of Icelandic in this piece. Referencing place names and the occasional word is one thing, but whole sentences feel like a bit much. I feel like I might be losing plot-important sentences. If you're writing in English, I would stick to writing in English. With characters who don't speak English, it's fine (in my opinion) to say "he said in Icelandic" or something like that.

Also, when writing dialogue, you should start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.

A couple grammar things (there might be more. I would go over this for typos):

The figure moves the knife quickly across her throat.


I hear footsteps move quickly. When I’m fairly sure the person is gone, I walk out.


As written, this is a run on. I made suggestions above.

“Hvernig var dagurinn allra?” Álfríður (the orphanage’s caretaker) asks.


Generally, I would advise against using parentheses in narration. It feels very informal and a bit distracting. In this case, you could use commas.

It gets really quiet then. I wish that I could ask her more about why she moved here, but I know I shouldn’t.


I noticed this a couple times, but I'll only point it out here. When you split a sentence like this, the comma should go before the conjunction (e.g. and/or/but/not), not after.

Also, just so you're aware, I''m a site moderator and bumped the rating of this work to 18+ since it included the F-word. You can learn more about the ratings system here: Content Ratings Guidelines

Overall, you have an interesting start to a story here. Keep writing! :D






Thank you for the insight but, the whole speaking in other languages thing might be fixed by putting what the sentence means at the bottom. Language will eventually play a role in the book. The role is major is all I'm going to say. And thanks again.



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 51
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sat Apr 02, 2016 11:01 pm



Please keep in mind English is not my native language.





But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore