Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Everything around in this little colony I've built seems happy and productive. Everyone seems to love it here, away from the threats that Robit' Pokusy holds for them with the MOC constantly making it easier and easier to become a Headder. It is becoming harder to keep ourselves hidden from the outside world. I do not know what the future holds for me, but whatever it is I hope it's good. I can't bare to lose any of them. I love them like they are my own flesh and blood. I would kill and die for them and they would do the same.
I saved each and every single one of them. I took this place over right after the end of the Flemish-Walloon war that tore my country, Belgium, apart. After a while, a small piece of Flanders returned to Walloon and that's because Flanders was falling apart. They lasted a few weeks before part of Flanders returned, but that's the past and it was bound to happen sometime. Walloon and Flanders have been at each other for centuries. It almost tore the country apart once and then it did completely. Now we have Belgium and Flanders. Flanders is now smaller than Luxembourg. Its a sad story really. All of it because of stupid languages.
I'm brought out of my thoughts by Hotmom's voice. " Evelien,"
"Yes?" I reply as she walks in from the small door and over to me. She looks at me for a moment and then asks. "Do you want tea?"
"No thank you. Do we have any beer?"
"I think there is some left." She says as she walks across the room to the counter and opens a cabinet door. She pulls out a box of beer and sets it on the counter. She pulls a bottle out of the box and tosses the small glass bottle to me. I barely catch the bottle and Hotmom grins. She looks at me for a moment and I ask her what she's thinking about. "Nothing." She replies.
"It's not nothing, come on tell me." I plead.
"I think that the new kid, Anthony, is going to be trouble for us."
"Why?" I ask whilst twisting off the cap of the bottle. The intoxicating smell of the beer is strong and thick. It reminds me of a time before the Trycolony.
"Because, he's..." Her voice trails off."
"He's what?"
"He's odd."
"Well," I sigh, "What do you expect, He's going to be odd. You've never been one to judge, so at least give him a chance."
"I don't know, I mean he's definitely not a headder, so why is he here?" She asks me.
"He's here because He needs to be here. Any more questions?" I say harshly.
"I know, but don't be too quick to trust someone. Remember what happened last time?" She asks after rolling her eyes.
"Yes, I remember well what happened, nothing could make me forget that day ever. I will never trust anyone like that again."
"I know but, what about me?" She giggles trying to change the subject quickly.
"I trust you because you helped make this place. Its a safe heaven for all those who are lost and broken, you helped me rescue our first unit. The strongest fighters." I say quickly.
"I remember when we first tried to-" She starts when someone with slightly browned skin and dark brown eyes. He's slightly shorter than most people his age and he is a little bit bigger. His hair is so dark brown that it looks black. "Ooh, I'm sorry," Helixia's voice follows quickly with this new person standing in front of me. He stands tall and looks like he's frightened a bit but doesn't want to show it.
"That's alright Helixia," I say with my most official sounding voice I can muster up.
"So, This is the new recruit," Hotmom says.
"Yes, this is Anthony." She says.
"Hello, Anthony, I'm Evelien, but everyone here calls me TC or Trycolour. Some will even call me 'That Crazy Ginger Bitch'." I say smiling at our new recruit.
"W-why a-am I h-here?" He stutters.
"You're here because we need you to be. Nothing more, nothing less." Hotmom states.
"Come on, let me give you a tour of the Colony," I say. I stand up putting the beer on the table and walk over to Anthony and give him a smile right before I motion my head to the door that he just came through. He follows behind me as I push the door open into a darkly coloured hallway. The lights above, make the colour scheme seem brighter even though the walls are pure black stone. The hallway extends on either side for several meters, then curves away and fades into the distance. I love this place. I remember when I first started trying to build it.
We failed for the first months of trying to build it, to make it to where we could house thousands of headders. After awhile I was about to give up hope when a woman by the name of Ingrid came along and promised to have the Trycolony built and she did. Within the next few months, the Trycolony was up and running.
I am brought back to reality by Anthony. He asks me if I'm okay. I look at him and say, "Yes, I'm fine. Why?"
"Well, you were staring off into the distance," He responds.
"Yes well..." I say letting my voice trail off. "follow me."
He does and I lead him down the right hallway. We go down three different sets of stairs. They each look different from the other. Soon we come to the end of the lengthy hallway. I nudge Anthony forward and he starts to walk towards a big black door. He pushes it open and looks at the massive rows of tables and the crowds of people wearing different forms of armour. Everything looks different. I walk up beside him and he looks at the many people. "Silence everyone," I yell. He looks at me for a moment and, the whole room falls silent. Every pair of eyes in the room falls upon me and Anthony.
"We have a new recruit!" I yell. No one makes a sound. I give them a moment. Then I yell. "Welcome, our new recruit!" Everyone starts to yell and cheer him on. I push him from the upper platform that we stand on. He screams at first but then, he's being held up by his new fellow soldiers. I know he's never asked for this, but neither did Europe when it had to become Robit' Pokusy nor did the headders ask to die for sport. No one asked for any of this, but now we all have to deal with it. Every single one of us is responsible for what happens now. We cannot just leave the future of our world to some imaginary force, we must fight for it and make it happen ourselves.
End of chapter
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140,665 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Hey! I'm here for a quick review this Review Day!
Overall, this is really quite good. I think you managed to do the exposition at the beginning well, moving into the actual story before the readers started getting bored. I will say, though, because I'm not extremely familiar with Europe, I didn't quite understand how Belgium came to be - it used to be part of Flanders and then it split, right?
I also liked the end, with her thinking about how they have to fight for the future. It was blended in nicely with the rest of what was going on.
Should be "bear"
This feels off. I don't really feel like Trycolour would elaborate beyond "Of course I remember," or something like that. It feels a bit shoehorned in as exposition, rather than natural dialogue. You could do the same thing, but in her own head instead of dialogue, and I think that would feel a lot more natural, just because people don't usually say what they're thinking just casually like that. Or, if you made her tone feel a lot more sharp and accusatory, that could also help. Right now it's just oddly flat.
And that's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing.
Thanks for the review
Hey there! Happy Review Day!!! C:
This is a pretty cool chapter. I love the light kind of atmosphere the story has, but at the same time you know that there's obviously a lot of troublesome things going on- if I'm correct in assuming they're in the middle of some kind of war!
This made me giggle. It's like the "do you have anything stronger?" kinda joke, but more original. I don't know, I just loved how the MC politely says they don't want any tea, and you think, or, they're not thirsty, and THEN out of the blue asks for a beer. XP Just makes me giggle.
So, I guess they're some interesting pet-names in this novel. Hotmom made my day though, that's kind of hilarious. I didn't notice it at first (don't know HOW I missed that) and then I did a double-take and was like "What is thissss" XP I like it.
I felt like this was a little cliche. I guess I'd want to know why I was there too... but also, you'd think he would have asked that question before then? Like, hadn't he been around people before meeting TC? It just feels a little odd to me. And then the reply:
This also feels odd to me, because it feels kinda like a "you're the chosen one" speech- not in the meaning of the words, but in the way they're said. It sounds a bit dramatic, to me. And why can't they give him a better answer than that? And why so curt about it?- he's BOUND to have questions, and I'd think that they'd be fairly used to questions by the time he shows up!
The bit here I think you were intending to be a flash back, but flashbacks generally actually transport us into the past: there's dialogue, people doing things- it's like we're experiencing it with the character again. But this bit didn't have that, it felt more like simply a thought/memory to me. Nothing's wrong with that, of course. However, I really don't see any point in italicising that paragraph, because it's not confusing that it's a memory at all, and the italics just make it kind of needlessly dramatic.
Why are they in armour right now? Aren't they in some kind of hall- maybe a dinning hall or something...? Armour is really not that comfortable to wear all the time. It heavy, hot, itchy, bulky. Perhaps the characters in your story have a special kind of armour that's comfortable... but I still don't think it seems very practical for them all to be wearing armour all the time.
I like this because it gives us an idea of how they're maybe not so used to having new people, and need prompting to welcome the newbie!
I hope this was somewhat helpful! You've got a pretty good novel going here. Keep it up, my friend!
-Socks
Thanks for the help and the Review
Hey ofmonstersandmen1234, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:
Great job at giving your characters some realistic and human natures and habits. Staring off in the distance, or zoning out, is something everyone does while thinking deeply about something, so it makes them more realistic.
Negatives:
This is really simple, but I feel like it has a big effect, but when you are in the middle of a sentence, and then just chuck a tidbit in there to keep your reader informed, it feels like you didn't do any work to help them learn, mostly because you haven't. I would rather write, "I too this place over right after the end of the Flemish-Walloon war that tore Belgium apart. It's my country, and I love it too."
Very repetitive and full of "echo." Most people will do the same, but they use a lot of pronouns and tend to use them to start every sentence. It's not very free flowing, though, and after only a few short sentences, I don't really have much desire to read anymore.
Overall:I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I won't comment on the story at all. But so far it was interesting enough to keep me reading, but the writing itself seems a bit blocky and long. I think you should find some ways to freshen and lighten it up a bit.
I give it: