z

Young Writers Society


18+

​Chapter4 (BÖÐÚLFUR’S P.O.V)

by ofmonstersandmen1234


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Chapter4 (BÖÐÚLFUR’S P.O.V)

I hear a loud thud and then another. I look up and see the two people dressed in black laying dead on the wooden platform, one knife in each of their limp torsos. The members of the parliament sitting behind the platform are unconscious. I push myself off the wooden block. The PM and President are laying unconscious on the makeshift platform.

I turn around and, see a tall pale girl with long brown hair. She has a rectangular face with small eyes and a small nose. She is skinny and she barely has any muscle. There is a shorter girl next to her. The other girl has long brown hair and green eyes. She has an oval-like face and a crooked nose. “COME ON!” yells the brown haired girl. She waves us over to her but can we trust them? Bára starts to walk over to them at a fast pace. I want to go but, I don’t know if I should. If I stay I die and If goes who knows what happens to me? The choice is very clear.

I run over to the two girls standing on the edge of the platform. The jump off the platform and I know we should follow them. I beat Bára and land on the ground first. It’s always like a competition between us. Someone always has to win or there is no point. Bára runs across to the girls who are making a dash for a silver car. When I reach the car, Bára is already in the back and the girls are sitting in the front. They are ready to go by the time I just get into the car.

They start to speed away from the execution site and every second that passes, I get further away from the place where I was supposed to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know how much time has passed since we got in the car. It must have been a couple of hours but I have no way of knowing for sure. Bára stares out the window blankly. There is nothing but snow, some shrubs and, the occasional tree. Who are these people? Why did they save us? Do they know that they could be killed if they were caught? I ask myself. They have to know. Everyone knows that. It’s a basic law that everyone knows. The landscape slowly starts to change. It becomes more like ruins but there is nothing out here besides… the Keflavík Airport.

I can see the remains of the abandoned airport. There are pieces of plains everywhere. They are shells of what they use to be. Why are we here? The car stops outside of a small plane with TÝR+41 on the side of it. The plane is fully intact and looks old. Very old. It is white with black lines going down the sides oof it. The writing is silver and huge.

“Ska vi tala om för dem ännu eller inte, Brigit?” The woman in the driver seat says. The girl in the passenger seat shakes her head no. They both get out of the car quickly and open our doors. They pull us out of our seats and, push us towards the little stairs that go up into the plane. The stairs are brown and fuzzy. I start to walk up the stairs quickly and, soon I’m at the top of a small compartment in the tiny plane. There is a small counter with drawers under it and a microwave built into the wall.

I realize that Bára is behind me so, I start to walk forward and enter the long room that is shaped like a cylinder on its side. It has many small windows lining the walls on either side of the room. It has a long couch on one side and three chairs on the other side. The chairs are made of some dark blue cloth. I walk over to the couch and throw myself down on it. It is surprisingly soft. The tall woman walks over to the chair on the other side of the small, circular corridor and sits in it. Bára Sits next to me. She isn’t shaking anymore but, I still am.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” I ask aggressively.

“I am Ingrid. I am from Sweden and, I saved your lives.” She growls defensively.

“Why did you save us?” Bára asks innocently.

“Because…” She sighs. “Because, I… I… I just had to.”

Bára and I look at each other. We know she is lying but, right now she is our only hope at getting away from this… Frozen Hell Hole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The plane took off and was in the air within a couple of minutes. I felt sick until it was level again. The shorter girl came out from the small room where the stairs were after the plane was level. Who is flying it?

“Let me introduce myself.” Says the shorter girl. “I’m Brigit. I’m sixteen and that’s all you need to know about me!” She is… off.

“Let me tell you how to say our names so you don’t hurt yourselves trying. My name is pronounced Bo(w)-rr-ah and his name is pronounced Bo-TH-OOL-fur and yes the R’s are rolled.” Bára chimes in. She is one of a kind.

“Böðúlfur… You haven’t said anything. I know this must all be confusing to you but, you must have some questions.” Ingrid says.

“I don’t really have any questions,” I growl at her.

“Okay! Okay! Fine!” She throws her hands up.

I sit in silence thinking. What will happen? I’ve heard of headders escaping but they are usually caught within a month or less. They are usually organ donors or some something bad happens to them. That’s all that the government will tell us. There are rumors that bad is a secret mind control experiment that is very dangerous. Who knows if it is true. It’s just some stupid rumor that no one can prove. People will believe in anything. Humans as a whole are very gullible and will fall for any and everything.

I sit back on the couch and, take a deep breath. It takes me a moment to actually notice the gothic artwork on the walls that separate the compartments. The goth-ic painting is very dark. It has an old woman in front of an old castle. It seems to be night or just really gloomy. There is a loud boom and the plane jerks.

“What’s happening?” Bára screams.

“Nothing. Just hold on to something. Tightly.” Ingrid says. I grab onto the arm of the couch. My knuckles start to turn white from holding on the arm of the couch. There is another loud bang and, the whole plane starts to shake. I close my eyes because I don’t want to see any of this. I just barely escaped death and now they’re practically handing me over to Death. I hold on tightly but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m thrown across the compartment. I groan when my back hits the other wall. I hit my head on something and then it is completely dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake on the floor of the plane. Ingrid’s body is half on my body and Bára is at the entrance to this compartment. I try to move out from Ingrid but, I can’t really lift her. Thanks for nothing P.E. I always knew you were useless. A door slides open and Brigit and, a girl with brown skin walks behind her. She takes one look at Bára and, is instantly crouching next to her. She moves her hands over to Bára’s body and, light starts to flow out of her hands. That’s Impossible... unless…

“Böðúlfur! Here let me help get Ingrid off of you.” She says. She rushes over to me, grabs Ingrid by the shoulders, and pulls her up. I slide out from under Ingrid. Brigit slaps Ingrid quite hard and Ingrid yelps. When Brigit moves her hand, you can clearly see a red hand print on Ingrid’s face. Ingrid grabs the part of her face where Brigit hit her and says. “What was that for?”

“Three reasons. One: You needed to be woken up. Two: I just like hitting people. And Three: You deserve it. I finally got you back. HA!” Brigit giggles.

“I’m so confused,” I whine.

“Good! You’re supposed to be.” Brigit jokes. The browned skinned woman gives her a glare. The woman has white eyes like me! She has powers! I cross the plane and when I reach to her I whisper. “Are You a Plesula?”

Yes I am and, so are you. I can tell as soon as I looked at you.’

“How did you do that?”

“Nice to meet you too.” She laughs. “I’m Daxa.”

She offers me her hand and I shake her hand. She has a tight grip compared to mine.

“What did you do to her?” I ask. She just smiles at me for a moment not saying anything.

“I healed her.” She smiles.

“Can I do that?” I ask.

“Eventually… possibly. I don’t know exactly what powers you’ll have.” She whispers.

“Do they know?” I ask pointing to Ingrid and Brigit. They are both laughing.

“Yes. They do.” She says calmly.

“I don’t mean to interrupt but, we should probably get going. It’s a long way to the hut.” Brigit says. She starts towards the door but stops right at it.

“Can she walk?” she asks.

“If I can wake her up,” Daxa says.

“Then do it.” Brigit growls. She has suddenly become very serious. Her emotions changed in an instant or, at least it seems that way. Daxa gets tired of shaking Bára so, she punches her in the side of her arm.

“OW!” Bára whimpers.

“Stand up,” Brigit says. She turns around and, goes to the door again and turns the latch that holds it closed. The stairs start to go down towards the ground. Brigit starts to walk slowly down the stairs and walks on the grass below the stairs. I follow close behind her. When I’m on the ground I observe the towering peaks covered in snow that look like white roofs. I can barely make out a brown spec that is on the top of the mountain. I soon realize that it is a house or a shack. “Velkommen!” Ingrid says gleefully. Welcome. It came to me instantly. I never learned Swedish… How do I know what she’s saying?

“It’s going to be a long walk.” Bára groans.

“Yes. It is so we should get walking.” Brigit growls.

“She’s right. Come everyone let’s get going.” Ingrid remarks.

Everyone starts to follow Brigit and Ingrid. I Look back to see Daxa in the back. I purposely try to fall behind a little to try and, talk to her. Bára goes to the front of the line quickly and, leaves me behind with Daxa. “Hey,” I say so quietly that it’s almost a whisper.

“Hey.” She replies.

“H-Have you ever…” My voice trails off. “Understood another language that you never learned before?”

“Yes, I know Orna. She and I were very close. You spell it J-A-Z-Y-K. It’s Slovak for language.” She snaps. I want to ask her more about what happened between her and Orna but, I know it’s a bad idea. She seems like she wouldn’t talk about even if I did ask.

The grass gradually turns to rock and stone, then snow. The higher up we go more of the mountain is covered in snow. “So…” Daxa begins. “Do you have any other abilities that you know of?”

“Nei, well actually I do have one. I can hear… read, whatever you want to call it. I can hear people's thoughts. Is that normal.”

“Yes. Well, sometimes it is normal but…”

“But what?” I growl.

“But nothing really there have been people who couldn’t but, they make up for that in other abilities that most of us don’t have.”

“Oh.”

“Come on you two or we are going to leave you behind!” Brigit yells. It is then that I notice how far ahead of us the rest of the group is. They are half way up the mountain. The snow starts to fall slowly, it is beautiful. I may come from Iceland but, I have never really paid attention to the snow. I always had to do something else; being one of the older kids in the orphanage isn’t always easy.

I look at Brigit. She and the other two girls are almost at the small building on the top of the mountain. Daxa grabs my shoulder and squeezes tightly. I start to feel a tingle in my feet like someone is rubbing a pen across the bottom of my foot. Quickly the tingling sensation spreads through my body. Everything goes black for a moment then, a burst of color and light surrounds me. Within a moment it is gone.

Daxa and I are at the top of the mountain next to the small house. Brigit and the others are farther down the mountain. It should take them a few minutes to get to the top of the mountain. “What was that!?” I ask excitedly.

“That was one of my abilities. I can also go through solid objects, like a wall or stone.” Daxa replies.

“DAXA!” Brigit yells.

“What? He is one of my kind! I’m not going to hide this stuff from him just because you told me to. I’m not going to lie to him either. So get over it!” Daxa snaps.

“Why would you… hide this from me?” I ask Brigit.

“That isn’t important right now. We need to get inside before they come looking for us.” Ingrid says matter-of-factly.

“Move out of the way then,” Brigit says. Ingrid moves out of Brigit’s way. Brigit puts her finger on the little glowing blue lock and it beeps five times before it makes a buzzing sound. Brigit pulls the door open with very little effort at all. Heat flows out of the house. It makes me shiver. Ingrid nudges me forward a little and, I start walking into the small house.

The inside of the house is warm and brightly lit. It smells like home. The room is small and has a couch in the center with a coffee table in front of it with a small TV. It reminds me of a tool shed that someone is living in. “Welcome to my home.” Ingrid chirps.

“How long have you lived here?” I ask raising an eyebrow at her.

“For about a year. And this is just one of my many homes.”

“Wait how many do you have?”

“Um… There is the home in Gothenburg and the one in Stockholm…” She mumbles. “There are about sixteen I think. Yeah, sixteen.”

“Where?” I ask outraged.

“Poland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and Scotland.” She says quickly. Daxa grabs my arm and, Bára’s arm. There is a sharp stabbing pain in my upper back. Then, we start to sink into the floor. Everything is gray for a moment. Suddenly it opens up into a massive carved out area. The roof is very high and there is a massive chandelier. It looks like a tree has been growing upside down and some decided to put lights on it. It is massive. Daxa let’s go of me and I stand in awe starting at the massive room. It has five couches that borders a massive rug with There is a giant TV on the wall. There is a kitchen right next to the living room. There’s a familiar figure standing in the kitchen.

Nanna’s long black hair is getting in her way. She turns around and, the corners of her mouth turn up. “Hello.” She grins.

“Hey. How- Why are you here?” Bára asks.

“Well…” Her voice trails off. “ I’m here because I’m sixteen and that means legally I’m an adult so I can go where ever I want.”

“Why do you have to be so sarcastic?” I remark.

“Because that’s how I like to be.” She remarks.

“But really. Why are you here?” Bára asks again.

“Ingrid and Brigit technically adopted me and some othe-“

“Nanna what’s taking so long? Hurry up we are about to start it with or without you.” Says a familiar voice. I turn to see Håvard standing behind me. Daxa has disappeared to somewhere in this underground maze. I wrap my arms around him. He embraces the hug and returns it. Bára joins the hug quickly and I can feel Nanna’s arm around me too. I look past Håvard’s head to see a little hallway. Kristján and Brynjar standing in the entrance of the hallway. The hug soon breaks up and Bára walks over to Brynjar and whispers to him. He nods and they walk off into the hallway. I want to know why they are here. “So, They adopted you guys?” I ask.

“Well… kind of. More like she took us from the orphanage. Apparently, they have been trying to rescue Headders and save them. There is something that you should know about. There was an attack on Peadders in Luxemburg and Malta.” Nanna says.

“Why would anyone want to attack Peadders? They just give the tests.” I say. Then it hits me like a punch to the gut. “There have also been reports on yours and Bára’s escape.” She adds.

“What?” I say outraged. “Why would they care about us?”

“I don’t know it could be anything,” Håvard says.

“Maybe it’s that you two are some of the only ones to ever escape from the P.C.M.I. in Iceland.” She says sarcastically.

“Well, there’s that,” I say jokingly.

“Böðúlfur follow me,” Håvard says. I do as he asks and follow him. He leads me into the long brightly lit hallway that has several doors off of it. He leads me to a double door with silver handles. I reach to grab the handle, it is cold, I turn the knobs slowly and push the doors open. Inside of them are two people one on top of another kissing. Bára and Brynjar stop on for a moment to acknowledge our presence then, go back to kissing. “Do you… wanna go?” I ask Håvard pointing back into the hallway.

“Yes. I do want to leave. This is quite awkward.” He replies, trying to suppress a laugh. Once the doors are closed we both start to laugh. It only lasts for a few minutes then Nanna comes to ask if we are hungry.

“No,” I say.

“Nei,” Håvard says.

“Okay, you two. Behave. It’s bad enough that I walked in on Bára and Brynjar practically dry humping each other.” She states in disbelief.

“You walked in on that too?” Ask Håvard.

“Yes,” I say sarcastically. “She obviously did.”

“That was awful. I almost told them to get a room but then I realized they did get a room.” Nanna remarks. I laugh and Håvard smirks. Håvard gets up and walks out of the room to God knows where. As soon as he is out of earshot, Nanna smirks a little. “What?” I ask her.

“Nothing.” She giggles.

“What is it woman spit it out!” I say excitedly.

“Nothing. It’s just the way you act around Håvard. You treat him as if you were in love with him. I’ve never noticed it before but, now I can see it.” She remarks.

“What are you talking about?” I ask innocently.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t play dumb.”

"Ég veit ekki hvað í andskotanum þú ert að tala um og ég er ekki að þykjast vita ekkert!" I yell at her. She looks down in shame. I get up and quickly storm out of the room. I walk as quickly as I possibly can; I have to get as far away from Nanna as possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After several flights of stairs and, very long hallways I finally slowed down, out of breath, and look back at the long hallway. There are indentions in the wall some of them have statues and some have paintings. I only notice one artist’s work. Claude Monet’s Water Lily Pond painting is amazing. The colors are beautiful. The walls are covered in a gold like fabric that is fuzzy. Every major room has a chandelier in it. Each is slightly different from before. The statues look like their replicas of one’s of Gods and Goddesses. They’re made out of a shiny bluish dark silver metal. I can see my reflection in the metal. I turn away from it and move to the next mini-exhibit that is on the wall. I look at another of paintings but, this one is a family. They’re all smiling but, somehow I can tell that they aren’t truly happy. There are two men, in their late teens I guess, and a man standing behind a woman that is sitting in a chair. There is an old woman standing next to a girl, which looks like Ingrid but, younger. “BOO!” Someone yells. I jump and, exhale. I turn to see Daxa looking over my shoulder.

“What?” I ask her.

“Nothing much. I’m just walking around and by the looks of it so are you?” She replies.

“Do you know who these peoples are?” I ask her.

“Yes. They are-“ Daxa starts but, there is a beeping sound that interrupts her.

“They’re getting closer.” She says.

“Who?” I ask.

“Don’t worry about it all you need to know is that you’re safe in here.” She replies.

“Why… Why wouldn’t I be safe in here?” I ask.

“No reason. Come with me.” She says

“Okay,” I say raising an eyebrow. She turns on here heel and walks towards the massive archway that leads to a massive room. The room has a TV that takes up the entire right wall. Several chairs face the huge TV. Daxa walks through a side door that I didn’t notice. The door creaks as it opens. I guess that it is an old door. The room beyond is dark. It smells like musty wood. Daxa flips the lights on and, I squint. The room is very small. It has to be the smallest room that I’ve seen in this underground mansion so far. It has one bed that is black and the walls are painted black. Everything in the room is black. “This is my room,” Daxa says. “I know it’s very small compared to the rest of the mansion thing but, I like.”

“So… why did I have to follow you to this?” I ask.

“Because I want to help you with your powers.” She replies.

“Okay?” I say confused. She puts her arm on my shoulder and, she slowly starts to change into me. She looks exactly like me. I gasp and ask. “How did you do that?”

“How did I do what?” She grins. She sounds exactly like me. My mouth hangs open. “Close your mouth unless you want to catch some flies.” She says sarcastically. She snickers. I just shake my head. “Why would I want to catch flies?” I ask sarcastically.

“Because you’re hungry.”

“Nothing will ever make me that hungry.”

“Don’t be so sure.”

“Why have you done it before?” I ask her jokingly.

“Actually yes… I have done it before and, I will do it again if I have to.”

“It was during one of the most recent wars that have occurred between Norway and Sweden. I was living on the outskirts of a town, Vinstra to be exact, I would eat anything I could find. I was cold and starving. I hid everywhere from the politi, the Norwegian police.” She adds in. Something in her voice that makes me wants to know how she got there. “I have been in some tough situations but, this one was terrible not because of the constant hiding and stealing but, because there was no way to communicate because everyone thought that I was a Swede. They thought that I was a Swede spy. If they would’ve caught me then I would have been tortured and probably be tried as a war criminal and murdered.” She says. It sounds like she is trying to suppress tears. I can her eyes start to tear up but, she forces them back.

“That’s…” I begin.

“Screwed up I know.” She replies with a lump in her throat.

“I…”

“But that’s not why I brought you here.”

“Wait you brought me here?”

“I brought you into the room didn’t I?”

“Yes.”

“Then I brought you here.” She giggles sarcastically.

“Okay then. You win.”

“You are going to go into hypnosis. And before you ask yes I can hypnotize you. Lay down.”

I do as she says and lay on the bed. It is warm and welcoming. It invites me. I can feel myself instantly become tired. Daxa starts to talk but, I can’t hear her words. everything loses meaning and my eyelids become heavy. I can’t fight to keep them open and, soon they close.

I am surrounded by black and off in the distance, I can see pictures. No not pictures they are Memories. “Böðúlfur I need you to relax even more. Go deeper into your subconscious and, let the memories flow in. Forget everything that has happened. Let go all the tension and worries of the day.” Daxa says. Her voice is so soothing and comforting, it’s like a really warm blanket that you wrap around yourself and, suddenly you feel safer than you’ve ever felt before.

The deeper I go into my memories the darker it gets until I come across one of my parents. They are fighting about something. I pretend that I’m asleep. They are whispering. “NO! You can’t tell him! I won’t allow it! He’s too young!” My mother quietly yells at my father.

“He needs to know. The Štátna is comin-“ he starts but my he’s cut off by a loud noise .

I’m brought out of my subconscious by a bang. Daxa has fallen to the floor. I jump off the plain bed to the plain black hardwood floor. She is still breathing. Her dark brown hair is almost black. It covers her face. At this angle she looks beautiful, a beauty I haven’t noticed before now. “Daxa are you okay?” I ask her.

She grunts and then opens her eyes. “Wh-what happened?” She stutters for a moment, lifting a head to her head to hold it.

“You let me go to second base with you and I almost got to third then you passed out,” I say sarcastically. She shoots a glare at me. I give her an evil grin.

“Now I know that’s not what happened. You’re not my type!” She says, trying to suppress a giggle. She sits up and smacks me. I feel a slight bit of pain then it fades away. “What was that for?” I ask.

“Oh, you know what it was for!” She half yells at me.

“Yes but, you handed me that one on a silver platter,” I say jokingly.

“Yes, I did. But, you didn’t have to say that.” She nods.

“Yeah, okay,” I grin.

“Seriously what happened?”

“You ‘put me under.’”

“What?”

You. Put. Me. Under.” I say. She looks at me with a confused look on her face. “You hypnotized me,” I say finally giving up.

“Yes but, what did you see?” She asks.

“My parents. They were talking about something called statna.” I reply.

“It's not pronounced stanta its pronounced SHt-Ah-nah.” She gasps.

“I don’t get it. It’s just a Slovak wo-“ I start but I’m light headed. Everything starts to swirl around me. The room is spinning. Everything becomes blurry and I fall back into darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake to Håvard, Bára, Kristján, Brynjar and, Daxa all leaning over me. How long have I been out? What happened? “He’s awake,” Bára says calmly. She sighs and walks off. “That’s why you interrupted us?” She says almost monotony. I look over at her. She glances over her shoulder at me. She looks at me like I’m a burden. “Bára,” I start thinking for a moment about whether or not I should use English or not. “Ég bað aldrei þig að vera hér. Þú við mig eins og fordæmdur byrði. Jæja giska á hvaða? Ég er ekki fokking byrði svo bara fara ef þú getur fengið yfir því að ég er ekki manna, og þú varst lagður með að vera á Pyromaniac og narcissist! Svo, hætta að vera Bitch um allt og ég er því miður að mér liggur út rofin þitt og lítið kynlíf Brynjar er fundur en það er ekki mér að kenna að þú ert að vera hóra!” I say quickly.

Håvard looks confused. I know he didn’t understand what I said but, I’ll explain it to him later. Bára walks over to me and punches me in the nose. I feel the warm liquid startx to come from my nose. She grabs me by my throat and squeezes. I try to fight against her grasp but it only tightens. My head starts to throb from lack of oxgyen. I punch her, in a desperate attempt to get free, in the boob. I punch her in the ribs and she lets go of my throat. I start to cough. When I can see clearly, I see Brynjar holding Bára back. Daxa grabs me by my shoulders and steers me towards a little area that has one ladder in it. I can see a dim light at the top of the tunnel. “Climb!” She growls. Trying not to make her angry I start to climb the ladder. Blood starts to make its way down my face to my lips and then to my chest.

The taste of blood reminds me of when I was very little. My mom had taken me to a park where, I fell off a slide and on the way down I bit my tongue. The blood was warm and tasted like copper. I had always wanted to go back to the moment before I fell and keep myself from falling.

After climbing for an eternity, I reached the top of the ladder. Daxa right behind me. “What happened?” asks Ingrid.

“Bára is what happened.” Daxa says. Ingrid pulls me up and I land on the carpeted floor. Brigit hands me some cloth and I put it in my nostril to keep from getting blood everywhere. I silently thank her and, get up. Håvard comes up behind Daxa and walks over to me. “Can we go somewhere to talk in private?” He asks.

“Yeah um, go down that hall and the third door on the left.” Ingrid says.

“Thank you.” Håvard says while pushing me to towards the hallway. I start to walk so he’ll quit pushing me. I enter the room. It is dark and small. It is about the size of the bathroom in the orphanage. Håvard closes the door and turns the light on. “What did you say to Bára?” He asks.

“I pretty much called her a whore and a bitch. I deserve what she did.” I say looking down, reflecting on my actions.

“Yeah you kind of did.” He says.

“Håvard,” I sigh.

“Yes?”

“I-I want to…” I start but quit and walk out of the room and go out of the small cottage. A blast of cool air sweeps over my face, sending chills over my body. It is dusk. I walk to the edge of the mountain and, sit there reflecting on my thoughts. I can hear someone run up behind me I just assume that it is Håvard but, I’m wrong. The warms hands pushed me. Sending me plummeting over the edge of the mountain.


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Tue Sep 20, 2016 8:34 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there. Sorry, haven't read previous parts, so I'm just going to go from what I see here.

The first part, with them escaping, honestly felt kind of rushed to me. It's a similar thing to what BlueAfrica said with regards to your descriptions - you just kind of list the things they do, and there's no real emotion to it, and everything happens fast enough to be slightly confusing. I feel like you're trying to go for "numb," which is honestly probably a pretty reasonable emotion, but right now this feels far more neutral than numb. Try shorter sentences, and maybe describe how maybe it takes him a moment to get his feet moving when the girl calls him. Also, in the middle of a life-threatening situation, it doesn't really make sense that he would notice much beyond the fact that she has brown hair. The list description doesn't fit.

A smaller thing I noticed is that you tend to overuse italics when placing emphasis on words, and you often use them on words that aren't really emphasized in the context of the sentence. In general, you can rely on the reader to infer where the emphasis is place; only in sentences like "I didn't say she stole the cookies" do italics really add to the meaning. (You can place the italics almost anywhere in that sentence and completely change the implication, which is why in that case, italics are important.)

I also thought the second scene was just awkward, with the melodramatic "WHO ARE YOU" and it just being such a short scene that doesn't really tell us anything besides the girl's name. However, from there, this really seemed to settle into a rhythm, and I found myself enjoying the rest of the piece.

That's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!




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Mon Sep 12, 2016 6:44 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I feel like I have a lot I could say about this chapter, but let’s talk about description. I have three different examples to look at.

You tend to use list-like descriptions that go in one ear and out the other, so to speak. For example, this spot.

She has a rectangular face with small eyes and a small nose. She is skinny and she barely has any muscle. There is a shorter girl next to her. The other girl has long brown hair and green eyes. She has an oval-like face and a crooked nose.


You list off physical descriptions like face shape, hair and eye color, physique, and nose, without giving the reader anything to really latch onto it.

(On that note, is the woman later piloting the plane one of these two people? She seems to come out of nowhere, but the “two girls” have dwindled to one. If she is one of the people described her, consider calling her a woman rather than a girl, so we know who she is later.)

It’s similar to the way you later describe this hallway.

There are indentions in the wall some of them have statues and some have paintings. I only notice one artist’s work. Claude Monet’s Water Lily Pond painting is amazing. The colors are beautiful. The walls are covered in a gold like fabric that is fuzzy. Every major room has a chandelier in it. Each is slightly different from before. The statues look like their replicas of one’s of Gods and Goddesses. They’re made out of a shiny bluish dark silver metal. I can see my reflection in the metal. I turn away from it and move to the next mini-exhibit that is on the wall. I look at another of paintings but, this one is a family. They’re all smiling but, somehow I can tell that they aren’t truly happy. There are two men, in their late teens I guess, and a man standing behind a woman that is sitting in a chair. There is an old woman standing next to a girl, which looks like Ingrid but, younger.


Until the last painting, the description is a generic list that uses general descriptions like “beautiful” and “different.” To compare, let’s look at a final example.

The roof is very high and there is a massive chandelier. It looks like a tree has been growing upside down and some decided to put lights on it. It is massive. Daxa let’s go of me and I stand in awe starting at the massive room. It has five couches that borders a massive rug


This description starts off beautifully with the description of the chandelier (although later on it gets bowled over by too frequent use of “massive”). Listen to the part about the chandelier: “It looks like a tree has been growing upside down and someone decided to put lights in it.”

Wow! That is a great description. It gives us an idea of the chandelier’s size, since it’s compared to something big (a tree), but it also painted a more specific image in my head than the word “massive.” Thanks to the simile comparing the chandelier to a tree, I picture a distressed, dark gold chandelier with many different branches for lights, maybe branches of differing thicknesses, and maybe carvings in it (like the grooves in bark, but if the grooves were in artistic shapes).

Now, this might be “wrong”—not what you were picturing—but I got this entire image out of one short line that compared a chandelier to a tree. Isn’t that amazing? But if you asked me to tell you what I think the two girls from before look like, all I could tell you is that one of them has brown hair. As for the hallway, I know it’s full of paintings and one of the paintings is of an unhappy family, but that’s it.

Play with your descriptions! See where you can use figurative language, metaphors and similes, to describe people or places by comparing them to other things. Think about what makes the person or setting different from all the other people and places in the world. In a person, that might be a birthmark, a particular way of walking or standing, the way their voice sounds, an odd way or dressing, and so on. For a place, it could be anything that catches the character’s eye in particular.

For example, with the hallway. I remember the narrator noticed a Monet painting. Aside from the fact that this is a famous painting, why did it catch the narrator’s eye? Just because he recognized it and knew the name and artist? Because of the colors? Because of the impressionistic aspect, blurred edges that gives it a soft appearance rather than harsh, definite outlines? Why does the character notice this particular painting? Or the painting of the family. Why did that catch his eye? Is it because the family strikes him as unhappy, even though they’re smiling? On that note, what is it about the family that makes them seem like they’re secretly unhappy?

Plus you can describe things by showing your character interacting with them, especially settings. For example, let’s say your character is tall and the ceiling a particular hallway is too low. Rather than saying, “Böðifur was six-foot-four and was trying to walk down a corridor with a low ceiling,” you could say, “The others had to stoop a little as they made their way down the corridor, but Böðifur was nearly bent in half and still couldn’t help hitting his head on the ceiling as he went.” This sentence is far more interesting than the first, but we know that Böðifur is taller than the other characters (thus, probably taller than average) and that even they have to stoop down as they walk down the hall (thus, it’s probably got a lower ceiling than normal).

I can see from the description of the chandelier that you have the potential to do this. Experiment with your descriptions and see what you can do with them. It makes your settings and characters stick more in your readers’ minds, and it definitely makes it more fun for you to write their descriptions.





A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare