z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Chapter 2 of Headders

by ofmonstersandmen1234


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 2 (BÖÐÚLFUR’S P.O.V)

I wake to the bright, warm sun pouring in through the window. I love this. I push myself up and, the other guy is already up and dressed.

“What time is it?” I ask him.

“It is nine o’clock.” He says turning to look at me.

“The test is at eleven right?” I ask rubbing my eyes.

“Já. Why?” Says the other guy.

“So, I know how long I have to get ready. I do have a question for you though.” I say tossing my legs over the side of the bed.

“Oh yeah. What would that be?” His deep voice freaks me out a little.

“What is your name?” I ask.

“My name is Ívar.” He says with a smile on his face.

“Okay… I’m going to take a shower so don’t leave without me okay.” I say.

“Okay.” Ívar says.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I got to shower we were taken to get breakfast right before the test. This is when my nerves start to mess with me. I don’t want to pass the tests. I don’t want to die. This is scary for me. Especially when a couple of years back Sweden aired an execution. They tortured the poor guy to death. It was the worst thing that I had to watch.

I eat the skyr they gave me before we were loaded onto the trucks and sent off. We only have five minutes to eat before we get to the testing facility that I like to call the glass wick. It is a ten story tall building with black glass panes the cover the outside. “Wow.” Ívar says.

The glass wick is huge. Inside the building it is exactly how I imagine an asylum would be. Some of the lights are flickering. A guard named Valter walks us down a hallway. I hate long hallways like this. It is so weird how they have these long hallways. We near the end of the corridor and, there is an open waiting room like area. We walk up to the desk in the back of the room. Next to the desk on the wall there is a copy of the Declaration of Psychological Infirmity.

“Name?” Asks the woman behind the desk. “Böðúlfur.” I say with gloomy voice. She give me a look and then says that we can go back but the other guy has to wait. They take me to an elevator and we go to the ninth floor. The entire ride is silent. I don’t like this one bit.

I hate to ride these things. When we finally reach the top I wait for Valter to get off. When he does I am quick to follow him. He must know I’m terrified because I’m shaking so bad. My palms start to get sweaty when we reach the room that I will be tested in.

When I’m in the room I sit down and a man with white hair brings me a giant booklet. This booklet contains every single test for every single mental/personality disorder there is. I start the test. It is weird. It only asks questions about me. How I act and what I do on a regular basis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took five hours to the first part of the test finished. The administrator let me take a walk around the room. I only got five minutes to walk and then I had to sit back down and start the second part of the test.

It was terrible. I hated every bit of it. It is over now. I don’t have to worry right? No! I still have to worry about the results. If I pass, I die. If I don’t I live. Is this right? This is terrible. The test wasn’t that bad but, it stresses me out. I feel like a part of me is gone and, I will never get it back.

After I finish the test Valter comes to get me from the ninth floor. He lead me down the hall just like before I started the test. We go to the elevator and go down. We reach the bottom floor in a couple of minutes. He leads me outside to a truck and, I climb in. I don’t pay attention to the what is going on around me. I just drift away into my dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bára is with Ívar somewhere. I walk around in the new mall called Smáralind. It is huge compared to any of the stores back home. Home. A wonderful place in this evil world. Bára appears in front of me laughing with a mischievous look on her face.

“What have you done?” I ask with a disinterested tone of voice.

“Nothing… “ She says, her voice trailing off.

“Where is Ívar?” I ask.

“Back at the gothic store.” She replies.

“Doing what?”.

“Something.”.

Bára walks off toward the exit and, I ask “Where are you going?”.

“Til helvitís.” She says laughing again.

“Yeah right I believe that!” I yell to her.

I spend the rest of my time in a old book store. Valter comes to me and tells me that we need to leave. I follow him to the truck that brought us here and get in.

“Why did you come to get me?” I ask.

“Ívar is gone. He left a note saying that Bára told him to run.” He says.

“So, you think that she told me to do the exact same thing?”.

“Nei.”.

“Then what?” I say

“I can’t say.”.

He doesn’t want to tell me. This isn’t right. Why isn’t this right for me? Oh, yeah my best friend has manipulated someone yet again. She always seems to get people to do what she wants them to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to bed very early last night. The place was very quiet without Ívar. I didn’t know him that well but, he brought life to this place. This place is now like a ghost-town. There is no noise in the room when I push myself off the bed.

The room is dark and cold. There is a sudden knock on the door. “Hvað?” I call out. “May I come in?” asks a familiar voice.

“Yes.” I reply. The door opens slowly. Orna walks in the room. She is wearing a black shirt and a red skirt. She turns the light on. I flinch because, the light is so bright.

“Get dressed!” She tells me.

“Okay.” I say. I throw my legs over the side of the bed. It is so cold. “Can you throw me a shirt and some pants?” I ask.

“Sure.” She replies. She goes to the drawer and, opens it. She pulls out a black shirt and throws it to me. I pull the shirt on and Orna throws a pair of black pants to me.

“Takk.” I thank her.

“You’re welcome.” She says with a reply.

“What is going to happen to Bára?” I ask with an innocent tone in my voice.

“They can't do anything to her. It's not illegal to manipulate someone into running away.” Orna says. I stand up slowly and, carefully put the pants on.

“You know something?” Orna says.

“What?” I ask.

“In Ireland, we would have been drowned if we would’ve manipulated someone.”.

“That's a little extreme.”.

“Not really, it kept people from doing it.”.

“Obviously.”.

“Come on, let’s go get breakfast.”

“Okay.” I say. She leads me out the door of the room into the brightly lit hallway. The hallway is also really cold. Orna Lets my arm go and we walk side by side to the elevator down the hallway. She presses the down button. She moves a strand of her red hair out of her eyes. The elevator opens. We walk into it in silence.

I examine every feature of Orna’s face. I look at her with a smirk. This is awkward for me for some reason. “What are you doing?” She asks.

“Nothing.” I reply.

“Then why are you staring at me?” She asks.

“Because I can.” I say. She looks down at her feet. We stand in silence for the rest of the ride down.

When we reach the bottom floor, Orna leads me to a side room. She walks over to a desk and says something that I can’t make out. She turns on her heel and leads us over to a table. “This is a big place.” I say.

“Yes it is a very big place. Every year I find a different part of it that I didn’t even notice last year.” She says.

“Really?” I ask.

“Yes.” She says. We sit in silence for awhile. Someone brings us pönnukökur. It smells great. I haven’t had pönnukökur since my parents died. I eat silently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I finished eating I was taken back to my room. I wish that Bára hadn’t manipulated Ívar. He is gone now and, there is nothing that we can do about that now. I have been in this room for several hours staring at the roof. There is nothing to do in here.

Someone knocks on the door. “Hvað?” I yell. The person that was knocking on the door walks in. It is Orna. The room gets really cold. She walks over to the table and sits down. “They have nothing against Bára so, they have to let her go.” She says.

“That’s good.” I say.

“Yes. It is.” Orna says. I need to get out of this place. I need to leave now. I can’t be in this room any more.

“Orna, I need to get out of here. I can’t be in here anymore.” I say.

“Okay. We can get you out of here.” She replies. She stands and walks out of the room motioning for me to follow her. I stand up and, walk over to her.

When we get to the ground floor, the guards tell her that we can’t leave. She gives them a look and, they let us pass. We walk right out the door. A gust of cold Icelandic winter air breezes past me.

I love the winter. It is always so, beautiful. There is snow on the ground. We walk around the snow. I love this time of year. I love the cold. I love my country.

I scoop some snow off the ground and throw it at Orna. It hits her and she is surprised. She laughs and scoops some snow up and throws it at me. The icy cold snow hits me and bursts. We continue to throw snow at each other until, Valter comes outside and tells us to get back inside.

“Why?” I ask innocently.

“Because, you’re not suppose to be out here.” He says.

I bend over and quickly scoop some snow into my hands. I pat it into a ball shape and, pull my arm back. I throw the snowball at Valter with all of my force. It hits him on the right side of his face. He looks mad as soon as the snow hits his face. I turn and, look at Orna. She give me a loom telling me that I shouldn’t have done that.

Valter cocks his head to the side. He bends down scooping some snow into his hands. Orna grins. I smirk a little. I know I should run and take cover but, I should give him this one hit.

The cool snow hits the left side of my face. It stings a little then it doesn’t. Orna is already behind a truck making snowballs. I run over to a truck across the parking lot. When I reach it I quickly start making snowballs. After a while I have a pile of snowballs. I start to throw snowballs in Orna’s direction. I fail to hit her. She starts to throw towards me.

Valter hits her several times. I duck behind the truck when, they team up to get me. They constantly miss me. We continue this fight until I fall in the snow tired.

“Let’s go back inside.” Valter says. I reach my arm up him and he grabs my hand pulling me to my feet. I thank him as I shiver. We all walk side by side to the hotel doors. Orna gives me a toothie smile. I smirk at her.

Valter opens the door for us. We silently thank him as we walk into the hotel. A blast of heat hits us as we enter. It sends chills down my spine. The snow on me starts to melt and, soon they are nothing but, small wet spots all over my dark clothes.

I look at Orna. She has some snow on the right side of her face that hasn’t melted yet. She is shivering. Valter looks at her and then at me.

“What?” I ask him.

“This is why you shouldn’t have gone outside.” He says with a look of disappointment.

I cross my arms rubbing them quickly in an attempt to get warm. The small amount of hair on my arms is standing up. I get the hair on my arms to lay down. There are still goosebumps all over my my arms.

“Böðúlfur you will be moved into a new room today.” Valter says.

“What room will I be moved into?” I ask frantically.

“You will be moved into room 298.” He replies. Orna nods at him and, then looks at me. She grabs my arm tightly and, pulls me across the hotel to the elevator.

“OW! STOP!” I yell once we’re inside of the elevator. She doesn’t let go of my arm. She puts more pressure on my wrist. I try to not focus on the pain. I think back to the time when I first met Nanna. She was so different. She had brown hair and she was very short. I’m brought out of my thoughts by a beep. She pulls me down the hallway and tells me to keep it down. We reach the room with 298 carved into it. She quickly opens the door and the person inside looks up. She pushes me into the room and closes the door. The guy in the room asks “What was that about?”.

“I have no clue.” I say quietly. I walk over to the table in the corner of the room that is by the dresser. I pull the black metal stool with a black leather cushion out from under the table and sit on it. I look at the guy. He has brown hair with a little bit of orange in the back. He looks strong and athletic. He’s a bit older than me. His eyes are a golden brown colour. He has a tattoo on the left side of his neck. He must catch me staring at him because, he looks up at me.

“What?” He asks me.

“Nothing,” I say looking down quickly ”I’m just looking at your tattoo. “.

“You wanna set it.” He asks smiling.

“Yeah!” I say with a grin.

He puts the tablet down and unzips his jacket. He pulls it off and grabs the bottom of his shirt and pulls it off. I was right about him being muscular. The tattoo starts right under the left side of his jaw line and moves down to his chest. It swirls around his body. It goes down to to were his pants begin. It doesn’t look like it ends there.

“Its monsters spilling out of Pandora’s box.” He says.

I stand up and walk over to him. “Where does it end?” I ask.

He looks up at me with a toothie smile and says “On my right foot.”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We talked for a while. His name is Ragnar. He got his tattoo when he was twelve. We talked about our past and present. I fell asleep sometime but, I don’t remember it. I open my eyes to a dark and, cold room. There is something warm next to me. I can feel his cool breath on my skin. It sends chills everywhere. I don’t remember much of what happened. I push myself off the bed. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness of the room.

I can see a pile of clothes and the bag that I brought. I walk over to the pile of clothes and grab a shirt and pull it on. When I turn around Ragnar is standing up. He turns the light on and, I see his tattoo. He didn’t lie. It goes all the way down to his right foot.

He walks over to the dresser and pulls out a shirt and some pant. He puts them on slowly. “What to do today?” He says to himself.

“What is there to do?” I think to myself. This place is so boring. I grab the remote and press the button to turn the T.V. on. It frightens Ragnar. I flip through the channels. There is nothing on. I quickly turn the television off. I look at Ragnar… observing him.

When he is dressed, he plops down on the bed beside me. I look over at him. He looks at me and says “What?”.

“I’m bored.” I say.

“And? What do you want me to do about it?” He replies.

“I don’t know?” I say. Everything gets quiet. It is as if all the life in the room has been sucked out. I try to start a conversation by saying “So…”.

“What?” He asks.

“Just trying to start a conversation.” I reply my voice trailing off. He raises an eyebrow at me.

“I’m hungry. Are you hungry?” He shudders. I see goose bumps forming on his arms. It is really cold in the room. There is a knock on the door. I stand up and walk over to the door. I open it and Orna is there. She stands there staring blankly at me for a moment. There is a bruise on the right side of her jawline.

“Come on. I’m taking you to breakfast.” She sighs. Ragnar stands up and walks over behind me. We follow Orna out of the room and down the hallway. We walk down to the lift. We ride down in silence. I look at Ragnar. His gaze meets mine. He quickly looks away.

The lift reaches the bottom floor within a couple of minutes. I’m the first one out into the dim lobby. I can barely see the chair over in the corner next to the check-in desk. Orna whispers “This way please.”. I turn and she is standing by this door. I walk over to where she is standing. I follow her into the room with Ragnar behind me.

It is very bright in the room. There are several tables scattered throughout the room. The roof is made of glass. The light pours in through the glass. In the center of the room is a long table with a lot of food on it. Orna leads us a table in the corner. The booth has black leather and, the table is made out of read wood. I assume the wood was really expensive. In the moment that I was observing the room other people have come in.

I observe every person who walks through that door. I scan them all looking for Bára.“I can't find her.” I think to myself. “ You can't give up.” says a little voice in my head. I continue to quickly scan through the crowd of people that are coming through the small door. just when I'm about to give up on searching for her, she walks in.She cut her hair short. if I didn't know any better I would say that she looks like a guy. she Walks Behind a woman with white hair they go to the opposite side of the room I want to run over and scream at her. I want to hit her. I want to ask her why she always does this. I want to do a lot of things but I know I shouldn't.

Orna presses a button and there is food put on our table. there is sausage and waffles. I eat my food quickly. it takes me a few minutes to eat the all of the food Orna stares at me in disgust. I smile at her. she just shakes her head and, Ragnar laughs. he hasn't really said anything all morning. I can't believe that I actually got him to laugh. it feels good that I to make someone laugh. I suddenly have this feeling of sadness. “ What is wrong with him? How does he eat all that food so quickly?” I hear feminine voice say. I looked all around the whole room is quiet. They are very hushed Whispers. Orna looks at me like I've just killed someone.

“ What?” I ask.

“ I can feel you poking around in my thoughts. I can't believe there's someone like me.” Orna says without moving her mouth. I shoot her a look of confusion. She looks at me and then she says ”Come on Böðúlfur. we need to talk.”.

“ Okay?” I reply. I slide out of the booth and follow Orna. she walks down to the door and opens it. She leads me to a bathroom.

“Orna what’s-” I whisper but she cuts me off “ you're not human. I should have known. Your white eyes. You’re a Plesula.”

“Ég er hvað ?” I ask.

“You’re a Plesula.” She says calmly.

“What's that?” I ask.

“ I don't know where we come from but we aren't human. We have abilities like some of us can read each other's minds and, communicate without using words.” She replies.

“You keep saying we and us. Is there more like us?” I ask.

“I honestly don't know but, you can't let anyone know about your abilities.” She warns me.

“Why?” I asked innocently.

“Because no one knows that we exist. They would kill us if they knew.” She says matter-of-factly. she flips her hair back.

“I don't believe it. I wasn't human all this time time.” I say with shock and disbelief in my voice.

“Yeah. I know. It sucks right?” Orna replies.

“Yes. It kind of does.” I mutter.

“We should get out of here or go back to your room.” she says. I turn on my heel and walk out of the loo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been three hours since Orna told me I'm not human. I've been laying in the one bed in our room staring at the ceiling trying to process everything that has happened. The results of the tests are supposed to be getting out today at midnight. Those who failed celebration for those who passed away the trucks to Reykjavik. I don't want that. I want to live but, I don't want to have to have a constant fear of being executed for being a Plesula. Ragnar bust through the door. I sit straight up. He rushes over to me.

“You’re… “ He pants “ You're coming… with me.”.

“Okay.” I say surprised.

“Get up!” He commands. I do as instructed and get off the bed. I followed closely behind him it doesn't take long for us to be on the bottom floor. We're outside before anyone notices that we were there.

“It's okay.” I tell myself. Ragnar runs over across the street and I'm right behind him. He leads me to a tattoo parlor.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

He stops and says “What do you think?”.

we walk into the small dark building. It's very dark and gothic in the parlor. There a school there are schools with animals and humans alike with candles burning on top of them there is rock music playing in the background. This is the place where my innocence will be lost.

“So… you guys see anything you like?” Asks a woman who is covered in tattoos.

“Um… I don't know? Böðúlfur what do you want to get?” He asks.

“I don’t know.” I reply.

“Get something that is important to you.” Says the woman.

“What is important to me?” I ask myself. I think for a moment. There isn’t really anything that is important to me. I turn and look at the wall with many drawings on it. I can’t find anything I like.

“What do you want to get?” asks Ragnar.

I look at the drawings again. Something catches my eye. A Viking rune.

“I want that one.” I say pointing at it.

The woman walks over to me and says “Are you sure?”.

“Já.” I nod.

“Okay. Are you really sure? I can do a lot of other tattoos. You don’t have to pick on from these walls.” says the woman.

“Can I get a spider with a rune on it ?” I ask. She nods . I describe the spider to her as she draws it. The she asks what rune I want.

“Can I get two tattoos?” I ask.

“Sure.” she says with a smile.

“I want a rune of protection on the spider and, I want it in between my shoulder blades.” I say motioning towards my back.

“And where do you want the other one?” She says not looking up from her drawing.

“I want it on my left wrist.” I say lifting my wrist up.

“What will that one be?” She asks.

“It will be two names in the runes.” I say as I write out the names. She takes the papers to the back and leaves Ragnar and, I in silence. We sit there not saying anything while she is gone. Within a couple of minutes she returns with thin semi-transparent pieces of paper.

“Take off your shirt please.” She says calmly. I take off my shirt and throw it at Ragnar. He holds it as I walk over and sit in the chair.

The woman says ”My name is Guðrún. Lay on your stomach please.”. She flatens the chair out so i can lay on my stomach. She grabs some things and gets to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My back hurts really bad so does my wrist but not as much as my back does. It has been an hour since I got the tattoos. Guðrún gave me some pills to take and told me to keep it from bleeding. There was a thing with the results. They moved it four hours from now.

“Böðúlfur?” Ragnar asks.

“Yes?” I respond quietly looking over at him.

“Are you okay?” He asks with a sombre tone in his voice.

“Yes.” I say quietly. He looks back down at his tablet.

“Hey come look at this.” He says. I stand up and wince a little. I make my way over to him slowly. I look at his tablet. There is a news article that reads:

Daily News

(Icelandic News in English)

Iceland’s prime minister has moved the time of the Headders test results forward.

THe Headders will still go to Reykjavik like normal but, this year they will be

Put in holding cells until the President and Prime minister can execute them.

They will then be transported to outside of the Presidential/Parliament building.ed

They will still be executed in the same way as last year.

“Okay” I said confused.

“Read the other part.” He says staring down. It reads:

Bára mínervedóttir

The girl who manipulated a boy into running away is to be released back into the governed population of the hotel for Headder testing.

I can’t believe that they had Bara away from everyone. This is bad. She will do the same thing shealways does. It doesn’t take long for her to pressure someone. She will do it again, I just know it. She always does.

This is going to be weird.

“She is going to be out two hours.” Says Raynar.

“Really?” I say leaning back. My back starts to ache. I wince because of the pain. Raynar giggles. I throw a pillow at him. It hits his forehead and falls on his lap.

“Hey! What was that for!” He yells.

I glare at him and say “You know exactly what that was for.”

“Yeah I do.” He says as he laughs and throws the pillow at me. I toss it back at him.This continues for a couple of minutes. He grabs a pillow and hits me in the back with it. I wince. My back stings. It was terrible.

“I’m so sorry.” He says quickly

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.” I tell him softly. I take one of the pills. I then lay on my stomach. It doesn’t take long for me to doze off.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

I wake to Raynar shaking me.

“What?” I yell to him.

“You need to get up. It’s time.” He says.

I instantly know what he is talking about. It doesn’t take long for me to force myself out of bed. I grab the pills that Guðrún gave me. I stuff them in my pocket, we are out the door in a couple of seconds. The halls are crowded. Everyone is going the same way. I get swept into the stream of people quickly. I walk trying not to get trampled. I loss track of Ragnar in the crowd. We walk in pairs side by side down the stairs. We walk quickly down the stairs. Soon we are on the bottom floor. There is a stage with four people standing on it.

When everyone is gathered around the stage. Everyone is getting impatient around me. The people on stage quickly get off. There is only one person is still on the stage. She has long gray hair, she walks over to the microphone and asks “Is everyone ready to get the results?”

“Yes!” everyone yells in unison. The woman calls people's names. Those people walk on stage. Then I hear “Bára Mínerveadóttir.” Bára walks up to the stage. She is a Headder. I knew it. The woman continues to call out names. I stand there reflecting on every. “This is is it.” I think to myself.

“Böðúlfur Gunnarsson.” says the woman.

No, I’m a Headder. I’m going to die. This is the very thing I didn’t want to happen. I slowly walk over to the stage. I can’t believe I’m going to die. I stand next to Bara. She turns and looks at me.

She gives me that “I told you so look.”

I have to stay quiet.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When the woman is done calling names we are lead to trucks. They all have the P.C.M.I. logo on them. Bára and I are loaded into the truck. We look at each other and then I say “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know Böðúlfur.” She says.

What happened to you?” I ask.

“Nothing. They just questioned me and I kept away from everyone.” She says shaking her head. I look at her. She looks back at me. We sit there staring at each other. I think about the first time I got to the orphanage. Everyone was awful to me until Bára told them to stop. She treated me like a human. Then after a while we started telling each other things we wouldn't tell anyone else. We sit in silence on the way to Reykjavík. 


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:55 pm
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Dracula wrote a review...



Woah, this is a big chapter! I don't normally read such big chunks at once, but I think it's pretty cool that you're so immersed in your writing, so I'll give it a go. :D Happy Review Day, by the way!

I wake to the bright, warm sun pouring in through the window. I love this. I push myself up and, the other guy is already up and dressed.
First sentences and paragraphs are always extremely important. They are what will keep the reader reading, so I like to comment on them. Your first bit of writing is pretty good. I like that the chapter begins with a fresh day, and you also tell us how the character feels. Clearly, they are a morning person. My only criticism is the repetition of 'up'. It's used too often in a small space and destroys the flow. I suggest you swap the second 'up' for 'awake' so that it reads: the other guy is already awake and dressed.

He leads me down the hall just like before I started the test.
Your use of similes to describe different areas is great. Some that stood out to me are when you compare settings with ghost towns and asylums; it's creepy and perfect for this story. But at times it feels as if the similes replace proper descriptions. In the sentence I've pasted above, for example, I would rather have a full description of this new hall than you telling me it looks like the previous one. You could describe what it looks like, and then the character could observe that it looks similar.

“Its monsters spilling out of Pandora’s box.” He says.
You definitely know your characters well, because your dialogue is very believable. My favourite bit of speech is the conversation about the tattoo. It's obvious that Ragnar is really proud of his tattoo, and is willing to show it to anyone who is interested; these feelings come clearly across.

Overall, this is a great piece of writing and hope you continue this story. :D






Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it and this helped me a lot.




Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter