Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I wake to hear a deep voice telling me to get up and when I look, I see a man in a dark black mask holding my mother and father at gunpoint and, he tells me to watch them unless I want to end up like them. The next thing I hear is a loud bang, once and then the second time. My mother and father's blood and other organs splatter across my forehead. Then the whole room goes silent, just in the moment. It seems like the whole world stops. I hear the man's laugh and I cry.
I wake gasping for air. I'm in the dark room alone. There is cold sweat that covers my entire body and it soaks most of my sheets. Chills are sent up my spine and I shiver a little. This is not the first time I've had this dream, nor will it be the last. I know that my parents are fine, but this entire dream still bothers me. I can't shake the feeling that they are going to die right now exactly how I dreamed. It's the worst thing I could possibly think about right now.
I pull the covers off my icy cold body and throw them to the side. I put my feet on the hard floor, and start to slowly walk across the room to the door. I walk down the dark hallway and over to my parents' room. I open the cracked door more just so I can see into their room. They are laying in the bed asleep. I close the door and walk over to the living room and grab the remote. I switch on the television and immediately I see a video of this woman who is fair skinned and has dark brown hair. Her eyes are a dark brown colour and she speaks in an odd language.
I flip the television off and go back to my bed, but something draws me back to the woman that was on the TV. I can't shake the feeling that she was talking directly to me. It feels like she was somehow trying to tell me a message in a secret language that no one else knows. I've never even spoken the language, yet I understood what she said perfectly. "We need you. You have to join us."
What could it possibly mean, though? I've never even left the Netherlands, even though I come from Greece. I want to help this woman, but I don't know why. I think that she is trying to reach out to me, and me alone. I don't even know this woman and yet, I want to help her.
I walk back through the darkness of the halls trying to get back to my room, but I trip over something. It groans. I fall on it, and the thing scrambles to its feet. I look at it and I see that it's not and it, it's a girl. In the dark, I can barely tell that she is a girl, but she stands tall and holds her head high. "W-who a-are y-you?" I ask, frightened by the whole situation.
"I'm Helixia. I know who you are Anthony, no need for introductions." She says with a very thick, Dutch accent.
"W-what do you want from me?" I ask as my voice quivers.
"I need you," She sighs. "To come with me."
"But..." I hesitate. "But why?"
"We do not have time for questions. We have to leave now."
I do not answer her. I just stand there staring at her in silence. "Look, I do not have time for any of this. I'm taking you with me whether you like it or not!" She growls. I do not move, but I see her hands move quickly into her pockets. When her hands emerge, she is holding something long and skinny. She moves quickly over to me and stabs my arm with the slim, long mysterious thing. Before I can even get one word out I'm no longer in control of anything. Everything fades away.
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I wake up in small dark room, with my hands chained to a cold metal wall. I can't see much of anything. Everything is cold. Maybe it's because I'm only wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and socks, but I'm still freezing. There is something familiar about this room, but I've never been here before. I know that there is something about this room that reminds me of.... I don't know really. It just feels so familiar, I can barely make anything out in the room, but it's still familiar.
I hear a loud clanging of metal sound from right outside what I think is a door. It sounds like locks being opened and closed in a very complex process. In a matter of moments, the door opens, and a burning white light spills in from the door. A Outline of a female figure is all I can make out. She looks like she is wearing some sort of armour. “Hallo, Anthony.” She says in Dutch.
“W-who are you?” I ask quickly.
“I am the one who brought you here. I’m the one on the TV. I’m the one who brought you here to save you from you fate.”
My Fate? What does she mean by my fate? Many thoughts start to run through my head, racing, each one trying to get my undivided attention. I can’t handle it all rushing at me, hitting me in the face like a rampant animal. There is something about this girl, that I can't quite understand. Something about her reminds me of someone I once knew, Someone who left me long ago.
"Stand up." She commands as she walks over to me. I do as I am told and stand up. She jerks my arm from my side and pulls a key out of her black pocket. She unlocks the shackles and drops them to the floor. "Come with me." She says, turning on her heel and walking out of the room. I follow quickly behind.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello there! Sadly I have yet to read the other parts of this story, but I hope one day I can - I like this. Sorry but this is definitely going to be a little bit shorter review than I normally do, as I know next to nothing about this story of yours. I will be mostly looking at the bit of plot described in this only chapter, and I'll be going over the overall structure of this chapter! Alright, so, to begin with, I like your main cxharacter a lot; I don't know anything about what's happened to him, but the way that this is in present tense, gets me to be able to kind of understand at lest how he feels at this moment, which is something I definitely enjoy. In addition, I like the way you present the events happening to the main character; the "fade-to-black" tends to annoy me, but the way you used it didn't really bother me, so good job!
Howeve, even though I enjoy the first person and present tense, I wish you used a little more variety when your main character describes what is going on - reading every line as "I..." or "Shw..." distracted me a little from your overall story, but I know that's kind of hard to change too much, but it just gets to me after a while. On that note, there's a few instances where you can easily combine some sentences to turn them from simple sentences to more complex and compound sentences, which can help the story flow from idea to idea, and to continue engaging the reader. There are also a couple of times in which you capitalized a few words that aren't supposed to be capitalized: "Fate?" and "Someone." A few tweaks, I think, could really change your story, in a good way.
All in all, I was kind of surprised by how few paragraphs are in this chapter, but I like the format, since the long paragraphs are definitely a good way to continuously describe what's happening to someone, in very real time. I like this a lot, as the characters seem pretty cool, and the overall plot is kind of intriguing to me, even though I don't really get much of a snippet of it in this chapter, since I don't really know what to look for, but that's okay. Overall though, good job!
Hey there, ofmonstersandmen1234, I'm here to review your chapter!

I see a man in a dark black mask holding my mother and father at gunpoint and, he tells me to watch them unless I want to end up like them.
I found a nitpick here. You really don't need that comma after 'and'. The 'and' already creates a bit of a break between the two phrases, so the extra pause just ruins the flow of the sentence.
My mother and father's blood and other organs splatter across my forehead.
You don't need the 'other' before 'organs' since you didn't mention any organs beforehand. This whole scene is pretty cool -very creepy and disturbing- but cool. And it's written in such a simple way that I can tell it's a dream, without any emotion being lost.
Her eyes are a dark brown colour and she speaks in an odd language.
If your character can understand what she's saying, you should say that after the above sentence. Leave it until later and it just doesn't make sense- if she was trying to 'recruit' your main character, they wouldn't just shake off the thought until later. They would think and possibly be stressing about it right away.
"We do not have time for questions. We have to leave now."
I like the woman's dialogue a lot. It's very formal and well-suited to her character.
“I am the one who brought you here. I’m the one on the TV. I’m the one who brought you here to save you from you fate.”
Should say 'to save you from your fate'. Just a typo.
That's all from me! Thanks for sharing and keep writing.