Chapter 3
The evil one
He looked down at them from his dark throne. Although they couldn’t see his face they knew he was disappointed, and braced themselves for the excruciating punishment that always happened after failure to do his bidding. There it was, like someone had stuck a flamethrower down their throats, burning their inside and killing them very slowly. Their screams filled the gloomy cavernous chamber and then faded into nothing but the crackling laughter of Borak and Clay. Lucifer arose from his throne made of human skulls and stepped towards the three disgusting troll like creatures- known as Anokka, a lower class of demon- lying dead on the dirty floor.
“Pathetic, I ask them to do one simple task and they can’t even do that,” He sneered, turning around to Borak and Clay. “Throw those away.”
Lucifer, known by many names like God of darkness, The Devil or an angel fallen from God’s graces, smiled at the sight of the death he’d caused. He was like a child’s nightmare, cloaked in evil, a hooded figure ready to kill an innocent child and leave no remorse. He would do anything to get what he wanted, even sacrifice his own minions. They were all merely pawns in his messed up game for dominance and power.
The only thing he cared for was his son, Damien and that didn’t allow for much. It had taken him a lifetime to get it to work, his first vampire. Lucifer’s blood was toxic to most, only the strongest can survive drinking it. Many hundreds of thousands had come before Damien but only he survived. Damien had lived a horrid life before he became a vampire. He was enslaved to a family who beat him for everything he did. So it was Damien who became the first vampire, an evil lying womanizer with a bad past and a strong will to live.
“Master, there is someone to see you,” Said the man who had entered silently like a cat. He strolled casually across as if he had nothing better to do with his time. Behind him there was a boy, he looked innocent enough with big green eyes. He only looked about 11 years old but Lucifer knew better.
“Hmm, how very interesting,” A smiled cracked across Lucifer’s face. He already knew what the boy wanted. A plan formed in his mind, one of bloodshed and many deaths. His favourite kind of game. He would finally get his own back on everything he hated. Which was, let’s face it, everything. He would show them that he was the most powerful person alive and they would crawl before him once he was done.
“You have my greetings, good sir,” The boy bowed deeply. His dark brown hair glistened with sweat and he was slightly out of breath. Though he was confident and calm, even faced with the Devil. “I have come here to ask you a favour and one will be given in return, of course,” He looked hopeful as he said this.
“Why would I need a favour from you? What could you possibly have that I want?” scowled Lucifer, trying to shake up the boy. It worked, the confidence slipped from away from the boy’s face as if someone were wiping it clean.
“What! I thought that would be what you wanted,” The boy couldn’t keep the shock out of his voice.
“Take him away. I will speak to him later,” He said while turning to Borak and Clay. They moved towards him, to have the boy duck under the oncoming arms. He punched Borak in the face and went to kick Clay in the stomach. Only to find his feet stuck to the ground by a rock-like material. Clay was crouched with his hands on the ground. It wouldn’t take a genius to know that it was his demonic power he could feel coursing through the rock at his feet.
Suddenly he felt a white hot pain pulsing from his right shoulder swallowing his whole body in unbearable pain. A scream tore through his throat and out into open air. He heard many different laughs. To them, he was weak, not yet into his own power. He had always been the weaker one. The one that always felt vulnerable. Then the pain stopped. He turned to find Borak touching his shoulder where the pain had occurred
“Take me where?” He demanded, struggling in the demonic grip that held him firmly in place. He was tired, so tired. The bolt of electricity from Borak had taken the fight from him.
“Yeah where are we taking him?” said Borak and Clay at the same time. It was like they were corrected mentally and physically, always knowing what each other was going to do or say. It was kind of creepy.
Lucifer’s fists clenched and shook in anger, “To the dungeons, you imbeciles!” He shouted across the room; Leaving an echo in its place. The grip released on the boy’s feet and he found his hand bound by the same material.
“If you move an inch against us little boy, I’ll hit you with another one of my lightning bolts. But this time I won’t hold back,” Growled Borak. The boy stayed still for the rest of the walk to the dungeons. He didn’t want to experience that pain again and worse. The building he was in was like a ruined castle with winding corridors. There were no proper walls so he could see right through their gaps to the outside.
Hot lava cascaded down the volcanoes that never stopped erupting. Horrifying creatures swarmed the ground and the sky. They were all different shapes and size. Some had fangs, some had multiple limbs and some were just puffs of smoke with eyes and jagged teeth. These were the Devil’s creatures. Demons. Vampires. Witches and warlocks.
He looked away just as they got to a dingy part of the castle. This must be the dungeons he thought as he was lead down the crumbling stairs. The air was damp and smelled like rotting bodies, thick with an unpleasant smoky fog. The stairs ended. He felt himself being pushed along the uneven stone, sometimes tripping over them. Finally, he was flung into a water-filled cell and went crashing into the wall. He heard the cell lock click into place. The footsteps retreated then everything went quiet. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop himself from crying.
Laughter was heard coming down from the chamber where Lucifer still sat on his throne.
“Well, yes he is a grumpy sod but I still love him,” Purred Damien as he strolled in with his arms around two very trampy looking Moranem girls. “Oh, and there is the man himself. Hello Father, killed anyone today I wonder?” His laugh was as smooth as silk. His hair was slicked back like a character from grease and his eye were deep blue oceans.
“I thought I told you not to bring your little pets into my humble aboded,” Said Lucifer the dissatisfaction clear in his voice.
Damien didn’t answer just looked longing at one of the girl’s necks. Delicate white fangs sprouted from his teeth as they pieced the fresh. He drank deeply like he might drain her of her blood. As the girl began to turn a paler shade of green he drew his head back and wiped the blood from around his mouth with a pale thumb.
Fazed, the girl didn’t seem to be. It was like she was in some kind of trance, she even smiled with affection as Damien bent down to kiss her on the lips. Her pale blue eyes seemed to light up as he placed his hands gently on the sides of her neck and… Crack! The girl fell to the floor with a little thump. The colour drain slowly from her skin and the light in her eyes faded into nothing.
“Did you really have to do that here?” Lucifer sighed.
“I wanted her, so now I have her,” said Damien with an easy smile. “She’ll love me for it eventually,” An evil looked cracked across his face. He clicked his fingers towards the other girl, dismissing her. Reluctantly she went looking back on her dead friend or so she thought.
As soon as she was out the door, Damien went into a coach over the girl and shook her violently, her necklace hitting against her collar bone. The necklace spelt out her name Ella. Her eyes flicked open. Ella stared around the room as if only just taking it all in then her eyes widen.
“What happened, what did you do to me? I can’t breathe,” Said the girl struggling for a breath of air that would never fill her lungs again. She clutched at her neck as if it would help. Terror spread across her make-up caked face and her whole body begun to shiver at the thought of what she might be. She always had a fascination for them. She dreamed of becoming one but now she feared it.
The burning in her throat was almost unbearable. It seemed to spread through her like a fire until Ella realised that it was a fire; a fire that had engulfed her body without her even knowing. The temperature kept rising. It had started off as an almost pleasant warmth. Ella’s skin was starting to sear and huge boils began to form on her burning skin. Blood oozed from between the opening pours. Then the pain stopped, the fire leaving her body and she was plunged into complete darkness.
“What did you do that for?!” Damien shouted. He stared at the man from before, who stood casually pointing at Lucifer, indicating it wasn’t his doing. His face was calm as if it was just a normal day for him like he hadn’t just killed someone. Ella’s limp body was now completely red, her skin having melted away, and her eyes were dull and glazed over.
“Calm down, we have more important things to discuss than your food,” growled Lucifer.
“You mean the girl, don’t you? If we get her while she is still growing into her full power, we have a chance,” said Damien.
“No, no, that’s not what I want to do. I want you to… mate with her. The offspring would be amazing. Even more powerful than her and the best thing is, they will obey only me.” An insane laughter filled the room as the vision of what Lucifer would do with all that power filled his mind.
“What? I’m not mating with that little brat she’s, what 4 years old, that’s just disgusting!”
“You will do as I say or else. Anyway she will be older when this happens but first, we need a plan,” said Lucifer in that voice which would make even grown man cry.
So they went on for hours auguring what they should do. While this happened the man quietly and quickly walked from the room, down several corridors until he found the small passageway that would lead out of the castle. The Devil would notice he was gone soon so he had to start running and fast.
He had to get away, running was his only option. He headed north to the flaming barrens where he went often, hopefully, if Lucifer was tracking him, he wouldn’t think anything of it. He passed many demons and warlocks on the way but they didn’t give him a second look. As he passed them he could see the terror in their eyes, they knew the power this young man held. He ran for a long time, thinking about nothing but where he was going to go after he escaped this hell hold. After a while, his legs began to cramp and groan. He couldn’t keep going for much longer so he stopped, collapsing on the hot rock. Summoning the rest of his strength he used the little that remained of it to set himself alight.
(4 million years after)
Ash stood by the fireplace with Phoenix in his arms, she was sat tugging at his hair as usual. He smiled at her but it was only a half-smile for he knew what was about to happen. He loved her so much and now she was his only child. After Pegasus died he had never wanted Phoenix out of his sight.
Pegasus had been her older brother. He remembered it like it was yesterday, playing by the waterfall. If you had told ash what would have happened he would never have believed you. He thought that Pegasus was happy. Then it happened. He jumped from the waterfall. He surely hadn’t thought he would have survived that jump.
Phoenix hadn’t understood, she didn’t understand why her brother was sleeping in the afternoon, even though he would never wake again. Now he might even lose her if he didn’t do something. The Devil would come and take her, use her for his sick, twisted plans. He couldn’t understand why someone would want to hurt her in any way.
She wouldn’t understand, she would be so confused and lonely. She had always had Ash and Jade there when she had hurt herself or was upset. Phoenix relied on them to keep her safe even though her own power was greater than their own.
“Daddy, why do you look so sad? You should smile more otherwise you’ll get frown lines,” her eyes were bright and happy. She was so innocent, so beautiful, just like her mother.
“Don’t worry about me Phoe but I just want you to I know that I love you so much.” Tears started to well at the corners of his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he could keep himself from crying but he had to stay strong for Phoenix. She would be safe, Adonai said she would be safe. He had to trust him for there would be no other hope left otherwise.
“I love you more.” Her eyes were starting to close. “I’m really tired,” she yawned, nestling her small head into his neck. Her white hair tickled his throat, making him smile and lay his head on hers. Her eyes closed completely and she started to snore quietly. She looked so peaceful, so unaware.
“Are you okay Ash?” said Jade; you could clearly see she had been crying. Her green eyes were puffy and red. Old tears stained her cheeks, lips set in a grim despair. He moved his hand to her cheek. Whipping away all the tears only to have them appears again, this time, fresh from her eyes.
He was about to reply when a flash of fire appeared filling the room with a bright light.
End of chapter
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Heya, Occymay! Casanova here to do another review! Let's get to it.
First off, the plot was a lot more dramatic this time- especially in the beginning. This time; however, it kept up. I can appreciate that.
One thing I liked was how in the first chapter it was 16 years prior, then in this one it was a few million years prior. Helped keep me on my toes, that I'll tell you. Props for that.
Anyway, the first thing I noticed was this sentence-
Since it is a title, darkness should be capitalized. "God of Darkness." I think, anyway. That's how I normally do it when giving someone a title, but anyway. On to the next point.
This is where I'm going to say great job on Lucifers' personality and his character. It's not boring, nor is it too dramatic. Props for that.
The next thing I'd like to say is the 4 million years after part. Why didn't you just go ahead and make a third chapter from that? Seems like a good idea.
I would suggest making this two separate sentences. Two different thoughts, know what I mean?
Since you're addressing a specific person I would say put a comma before and after her name. Like a short pause to let it sink it, but a natural pause.
Overall I like Phoe's character the best. You really portray the innocence of a child clearly, and how adorable she should be.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on. I hope this helped!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thank you again! You really are good at reviews
No problem! And thanks haha. If you need anymore I'll take care of them after my break today
I think my other pieces need a bit of work but when they're ready, I'll let you know
Alright! I'm done for the next few hours at least- I think I deserve a break from reviewing XD
Hey there, occymay. I'm here to review on behalf of Team Teamy.

There it was, like someone had stuck a flamethrower down their throats, burning their inside and killing them very slowly.
The start of the chapter was very good. You continued with the story, but in a way that refreshed my mind of what had already happened. Just a nitpick: Inside should be plural, so 'insides'.
He would do anything to get what he wanted, even sacrifice his own minions. They were all merely pawns in his messed up game for dominance and power.
I love your description of Lucifer! You've got a great writing style, so please don't skimp on the awesome descriptions in further chapters.
It was like they were corrected mentally and physically, always knowing what each other was going to do or say. It was kind of creepy.
I think you mean 'connected' instead of 'corrected'.
“I thought I told you not to bring your little pets into my humble aboded,” Said Lucifer the dissatisfaction clear in his voice.
Abode*
Delicate white fangs sprouted from his teeth as they pieced the fresh.
Pierced* This whole scene was beautifully written. You mentioned earlier that Damien was a 'womanizer' and that came across in this scene, in the way both he and his victim act,
He was about to reply when a flash of fire appeared filling the room with a bright light.
So this is four million years after, now? Although I think the plot does progress rather well, I'm just interested in knowing how the world in general is different. Aid me in imagining this world, millions of years after the original setting. Add more of that description I love.
I pointed out a few nitpicks, but there are more in this chapter. I think all that it needs to be read through again, so those nitpicks can be corrected. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this and think you have an amazing story coming along!
Ah, thank you! That's really lovely to here. I think I need to work on the opening lines because the last section is 8 million years before the plot but takes place 4 million years after you meet Lucifer and are set in different worlds.