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Mess

by nrrc102


The day was unusual.

Everything was undecided.

It made things unwise and unpredictable.

It was all like being written in a piece of script, 

and being done in an impromptu.

It doesn't make any sense.

I swear everything is confusing,

and in an appropriate mess.

Yes in an appropriate mess.


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Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:12 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there! Here's a late welcome to YWS! -- I'm glad you're here on the poetry side of things. Let's get to the review!

So first off the originality factor is good - I don't think I've read a poem about this sort of story or mood before. I interpreted the poem to be about a speaker who knows something is just sort of off and unusual about their day and as the day goes on, it goes from unpredictable to just being a mess.

Here are a few suggestions:

Phrasing

Generally you had some pretty good word choice in here - "impromptu" and "appropriate" and "unpredictable" are all more academic sorts of words, and kept the poem from feeling too simplistic - which short poems often run the risk of doing.

I did think some of the phrasing sounded a bit off though.

For instance; "and being done in an impromptu" -- I'm not sure that you can use "impromptu" as a noun. Generally I believe it's an adjective, so I was looking for what sort of Impromptu thing was being done - an impromptu day, or script, or play? It's kind of humorous actually, because most people live their lives "impromptu" or "improvisationally" but we don't find it unsettling unless we're not concerned about it unless we're presenting something generally. Anyways the phrasing just struck me as odd.

Also this line I found odd: "It made things unwise and unpredictable" - I think you should clarify the word "things" to a more specific word, and to fit with the most sophisticated language you use in the rest of the poem

Story
Generally I thought the mood of this poem was good - you captured the "unsettling" feeling in a few different ways. However, I think you could unpack the story a bit better - or unveil more of the narrative by giving specifics about this person's day and situation. What exactly is going wrong for them? Did they trip down the stairs or click "reply-all"in an email? Giving these types of specifics would give the story more context, and allow the reader to connect with the story more emotionally. I wrote a little article on specificity in poetry, if you're interested in this topic and how to add more specifics to your poetry: Specificity in Poetry.

Poetic Devices
Lastly I'd suggest looking to see if you could add a bit more in terms of poetic devices in your poem to make it shin. Maybe some light rhyme or imagery?

I did enjoy the metaphor you used about the script though - that was one of the most clever points of the piece, you may even want to expand upon that subject. :)

I also liked the repetition at the end, because the way it was phrased, I can almost imagine the speaker resolutely sitting down somewhere and just resigning that their day "yes." was "an appropriate mess!".

If you have any questions about my review feel free to reach out! I liked what you had in this poem - I just wanted more of it! More specifics, more metaphors, more development of the story and concept. :)

Best of luck in the rest of your writing!

~alliyah

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Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:26 am
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hey! Soz for the delay, but Danni here to review this as per request!

I'm gonna go through this all, with my comments in italics, my corrections in bold and mistakes in strikethrough

The day was unusual.

Everything was undecided. This would look better as Nothing had been decided.

It made things unwise and unpredictable. What is 'it'?

It was all like being written in a piece of script, This is a very confusing sentence. Surely if it's like a script, it's neat and orderly? Seems a bit contradicting. It is also too long and looks strange - I would recommend It was like being part of a script but you can choose.

and being done in an impromptu. I don't get what this means...

It doesn't make any sense.

I swear everything is confusing,

and in an appropriate mess.

Yes, in an appropriate mess. Loving these two lines!



Overall, this was pretty good! I would have appreciated some more detail about what is going on, but it was nice! I liked the humour. I give this 4 messes out of 10!

Keep up the good work, and hope this helps! Let me know if you ever want me to review anything else! Welcome to YWS!

Dan




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Thu Aug 09, 2018 4:04 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey there! Arden here to leave you a review!
(I find it easier to analyze pieces from top to bottom in order to get everything that may be helpful to you out there more efficiently, so let me start by doing that!)
(Also, please note whatever I may express in this review is only to help you improve as a writer, not to break you down.)

The day was unusual.

Everything was undecided.

A very vague start. I'm given a lot of paths to branch off of here. Are most of our character's days planned out? What, exactly, is undecided? You say everything, yet not much of anything is made clear. Perhaps a bit more elaboration here.

It made things unwise and unpredictable.

It was all like being written in a piece of script,

In a script? This line threw me off a bit. A script is carefully written & then revised, not "unwise and unpredictable" as you stated in the line before. I may just be getting the wrong idea, but you may want to go back and maybe find a different way to express your previous statements about the day or revise this line here.

and being done in an impromptu.

It doesn't make any sense.

It seems that the first line here would fit better being where "It was all like being written in a piece of script," was.
In terms of "it doesn't make any sense" again, I don't seem to get much clarification. It's a bit muddled.

I swear everything is confusing,

But what? Why? Where is the reasoning? What is the situation? I just feel like I need more.

and in an appropriate mess.

Yes in an appropriate mess.

I did end up enjoying these last lines. "Appropriate mess" is so satisfying to me. Yet on a technical note, there should be a comma after "yes".

Overall, good effort! I had a few nitpicks, and detail could be added. Welcome to YWS, by the way! It seems you'll fit in well here. I can't wait to see what else you put out there!

Thanks for sharing,
Arden



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nrrc102 says...


thanks for pointing it out. your review is a big help to improve myself.



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Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:30 pm
Bloodlord wrote a review...



Hi, Bloodlord here for a review!

First off, welcome to YWS! This is a great poem, and a great start to your time in the community! You convey chaos well here, and you can understand the state of the speaker's mind well from here. In the beginning, I like your repetition of the prefix 'un-'. It was an effective way to describe the mess!

If it would be helpful, I have a few suggestions that you can follow / ignore as you wish.

I think you could do a little more with your punctuation and meter. For example, maybe something along the lines of:

The day was unusual.
Everything was undecided.
It made things unwise and unpredictable.
It was all like being written in a piece of script,
and being done in an impromptu.
It doesn't make any sense.
I swear everything is confusing,
and in an appropriate mess.
Yes, in an appropriate mess.

I split up the second to last line into two lines since 1) it seemed a little long, and 2) you get the repetition with the 'in an appropriate mess' across more clearly.

Also, some of the lines seem a little awkwardly long. For example, "It was all like being written in a piece of script." Is there any way you can shorten this? You may want to pay more attention to the meter, though since this is pretty free verse, and the poem itself is about appropriate messes, you don't have to be too strict.

Thanks for sharing - can't wait to read more of your work!



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nrrc102 says...


Thank you for the suggestions. Constructive criticisms is always welcomed and appreciated. I will try to improve for my upcoming works. thanks for the welcome



Bloodlord says...


Happy this helped! :D



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Tue Aug 07, 2018 4:43 pm
Dossereana says...



Nise work I love this poem, keep up with the good work, :D :D :D



Random avatar
nrrc102 says...


thank you!




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