First of all, I'm going to go ahead and agree with aaliyah on the structure. I absolutely adore the flow of this poem. It is indeed chaotic, but everything about the story you're telling is also chaotic--- Annabel's emotions, the monster, the mosquito-like chatter, the town's awkward reactions. When you adopt a certain perspective, the use of pacing is an excellent way to convey it to the reader. You speed up, you slow down, you spread things out, you cut them thin. Here, it seems to work for some people, but not for others. It's possible you can fix that. You could try to rein it in on some parts, as an excess will only convolute the narrative.
For example:
"no one was allowed to take a look up close,
not after hunter nash’s recklessness
when it snapped at his nose and crimson flowers
gushed beneath the surface, so
as the children shrieked and splashed
in the murky green waters and the monster
churned boy viscera within its spectacular maw,
annabel watched"
I had to read this stanza twice. It seems clunky to me, perhaps a bit too drawn-out.
That "ANNABEL" had a huge impact since the rest of the story was mostly lower-case as well as fast-paced. The reader stops on that one word for a bit, focusing on it. However, I think it could have gone without the bold, honestly. You don't want to go over the top with effects.
Your title and tagline were both captivating, and I was engaged in the story all the way to the end. Some of the word choices really enhance the story. You do a great job with onomatopoeia. Funnily enough, my favorites are all from the aforementioned stanza: "snapped", "gushed", "shrieked", "splashed", and "churned".
I found it a bit strange that although some words like "AP Chem" and "Grangrave Lake" were capitalized, the names of people like "annabel ames" and "hunter nash" weren't. At first, you seemed to be following the rule of no capitalization even for proper nouns, but that changed later, and I'm not sure if the inconsistency was intentional or not.
((After writing this, I noticed someone pointed that out already))
I have one qualm with this stanza:
"but—instead of that, it was
a succinct congrats in the morning announcements
and darting glances from first period AP Chem
and the rest of the day was quiet. no fanfare.
no silly celebration. the town stared at her, but
it was proud
and silent."
You start with "it was" and give the two objects "a succinct congrats" and "darting glances". The two "and"s at the beginning of the third and fourth lines don't flow very well together, and I think you might want to rephrase this part. Due to your general pacing, it looks like the line "and the rest of the day was quiet" is being included in the list given after "it was", which would be grammatically incorrect. To me, this line just doesn't sit right. Perhaps it would be better to start a new stanza after line three and to cut off the "and" in "and the rest of the day was quiet".
This is a little more subjective, but great use of formatting. I think it's a love it or hate it sort of thing, so if you feel like using these techniques comes naturally to you, keep it up! I find that modern poetry falls flat when it relies *too much* on its structure. As long as this poem can stand without that structure, you should be fine.
Lastly, wow, you're very talented! Keep writing. I'd be delighted to see more from you.
Points: 400
Reviews: 4
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