z

Young Writers Society



Meadow Tale

by nollibee


the kids found a little bee
trembling in a bed of mexican marigold
miles and miles away from her home

her body was but a speck of dust
dwarfed by the grandness of their
small, creasing palms

so they took her inside
fighting all the way of who
got to mix that magic potion

that sweet bumblebee cure:
one part water, two parts sugar  
presented proudly on their finest silver spoon

the bee recalled her childhood neighbor
from the next hexagon over
supping on exquisite royal jelly

and next-in-line to be queen—
she wanted to keep this young feeling forever
of being the served and not the servant

so back to the clover field the bee wandered
silent and evasive of the details of her perilous tale
without question, she returned back to work

but on that gentle night, she clocked in, tired of the toil
and traced the shape of her medicinal memory
now sealed shut within the honeycomb

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31 Reviews

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Reviews: 31

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Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:53 pm
Tanishka wrote a review...



Hey , how is it going ? Amazing work , it comes as a total surprise as relating to the title but it was a really beautiful poem. I have to say you have an amazing imagination . The imagery is really amazing and also , it is a really well laid out poem.
I think you can work a little , just a little on your rhyme scheme , particularly in the third stanza . Don't get me wrong but I was a bit lost in the last 2 stanzas. My bad, sorry. Don't change things much though , it's your poem after all.

Truly amazing piece , keep on posting such good work . :)




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Sat Apr 04, 2020 3:48 am
Alfonso22 says...



The impression I got was that the kids were about to crush the bee in order to mix its body with other ingredients in order to make a potion. So when it is described as going back to the hive-I was surprised. Left me wondering.




nollibee says...


In an alternate universe, I wrote a poem about a group of children who lure innocent bees to their marigold garden and use them to make various magical potions.

In all seriousness, your comment made me laugh a little bit! I'm glad my poem was able to make you think :D



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Sat Apr 04, 2020 3:02 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hello nollibee! I'm so happy to have the chance to review some of your poetry.

You have some fantastic imagery here. I love the hints of yellow in the first stanza ("the kids found a little bee / trembling in a bed of mexican marigold") and the emphasis of size contrast in the second stanza ("her body was but a speck of dust / dwarfed by the grandness of their / small, creasing palms"). Those lines, specifically, also highlight perspective in the poem which I feel is not something people focus on all that often. The poem has an element of cuteness that I like - particularly in the first half - but then, of course, the poem seems to dig a bit deeper into the bee's dreams, if you will, by rising to the top of the bee hierarchy.

The thing I'm struggling the most with this poem is intent and purpose. What do you hope your audience will gain from this poem? What is your purpose in sharing it with the audience? What does this poem give that has not already been given? I am not necessarily implying that this poem has neither or both, but I think it might help inform the meaning of the poem a bit more - since I find myself being a little confused by the last two stanzas. They're lovely and written well, but like bpmzcpl mentioned in their review, they seem a bit rushed. I'm also confused why the bee goes back to clover fields when she was found by the children in Mexican marigolds? There's just not something entirely clear about the bee's journey; it doesn't seem linear.

Ultimately, I think you have a good voice here and there's something very sweet about the subject matter. I would just encourage you to reflect more on what you hope to offer as a poet to your readers and how that might inform the direction of your poetry.

Overall, I thought this was a lovely piece and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it! I look forward to reading more of your poetry very soon :)

All the best,
Lavvie




nollibee says...


Thank you so much for your insight! Like I said with bpmzcpl, I rarely get critique on my creative writing, so when I saw another review, my heart exploded (in a good way!)

What you said about intent and purpose really struck me. A lot of my poems don't tend to be personal and are instead stories that I try to insert with a lot of meaning, whatever that entails, but just like you said, what do I want the audience to gain from it? Thank you for mentioning this.

(I'll say first though that when I was first writing this, I believe I originally wanted to focus on the kids' experience with the bee and have it center around themes like empathy, life, and the relationship between humans and animals. Then, as the writing progressed, it just became Bee Movie but with feelings.)

I feel that I wanted most of all was for readers to sympathize with this bee%u2014this tiny winged creature that most wouldn't give feelings to because it's an insect%u2014and in some way relate to her ambitions of wanting "more". However, I realize with what you said that that might have fallen flat because I introduced the poem with the kids and not the bee itself. I didn't give any background to the bee despite the whole latter half of the poem literally focusing on her apathy toward being a worker bee and wanting to be more significant. You're right about the bee's journey being unclear%u2014I think it's because it wasn't the bee's journey to begin with.

Again, thank you SO, SO much for your input. I'll be sure to keep it in mind when writing in the future. You'll be sure to see more of my poetry soon!



Lavvie says...


"it just became Bee Movie but with feelings" <- I love this! lol

I definitely that knowing your intent before you write is important, or else you fall into that trap where you started with Intention A (relationship between humans and insects) and ended with Intention B (bee's feelings) - but neither wrapped up so the reader was kind of left hanging. Nothing particularly wrong with that and I wouldn't suggest scrapping either, but this means you probably have the time and space to flesh those out a bit more.

Let me know when you write more! And it was wonderful to receive such a thoughtful response to my review.

Take care <3



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Fri Apr 03, 2020 2:51 am
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bpmzcpl wrote a review...



Hey nollibee!

This is a wonderful poem. I like the tone and the voice that you used.

I had a few questions:

Should marigold in the first stanza be marigolds?

What happened after the kids presented the cure?
The transition there is a little confusing. Did the bee travel miles and miles to get home afterword? That part of the poem seems rushed.

My favorite parts:

I loved the second stanza
"her body was but a speck of dust
dwarfed by the grandness of their
small, creasing palms".
I loved this because it shows just how careful the kids had to be and how the things we perceive as small (children) can seem big to other things.

I also really related to the part in the second to last stanza where the bee was evasive and silent about her journey. So much can happen to a person, but because of their place in life, no one wants to hear. Eventually we learn to not even try to share even when people do what to hear.

Thank you for sharing. This overall was a marvelous poem. I love how much growth it shows from the beginning to the end. I also love the style and how you consciously chose to not capitalize anything.

Great job! <3

bpmzcpl




nollibee says...


Thank you so much for leaving a review! I%u2019ve never been in a community where reviews and critique were emphasized as much as they are here, so I%u2019m really grateful for your input.

1. I believe you%u2019re right that it should be marigolds and not marigold. Whoops!
2. I tried to answer this in a revised version of the poem on my NaPo thread with the bee drinking the sugar water and feeling better, which prompts her to remember the queen bee. I totally understand how the transition after is rushed though%u2014in my head, I thought it would be implied that the bee had taken the sugar water and, having been cured, returned back home. Of course, readers aren%u2019t able to pry into my brain and figure it out for themselves!

Thank you once again for leaving a review! You gave me a lot of insight that I%u2019ll be sure to use in the future when writing more of these narrative poems.




To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.
— Olin Miller