Lights flicker on porches,
illuminating the annual procession
when monsters and superheroes
take over the streets.
Somewhere between
the summer barbecues
and the winter feasts,
there is a day that was sacred once,
but now we worship at the altar
of foam crafts and spandex,
singing the hymns of graveyard smashes
and zombie-fighting Michael Jackson.
Children build their hoards,
like squirrels collect their acorns
or bears feast before the hibernation,
but unlike animals,
their stockpile will be gone before Thanksgiving.
Adults use it as an excuse
to escape in cocktails and assume a new life.
Some are lazy, while some go all-out
but you can always pick out the couples
from those who are on the prowl.
Among the fallen leaves,
October slips into November,
and tomorrow the Christmas carols will begin.
A/N: This was a result of a challenge to write about Halloween without using the more obvious Halloween words.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hai!! I am B, ((Which you already know)), I will try to make this into a review, so that I can get my like third review star!!!
First off, I am going to state the good parts about this poem...
I loved this, it shows a wide variety of things, and it is different than most that I have seen on YWS so far!!!
I have no idea why, but I specifically love this part...
"Somewhere between
the summer barbecues
and the winter feasts,
there is a day that was sacred once,
but now we worship at the altar
of foam crafts and spandex,
singing the hymns of graveyard smashes
and zombie-fighting Michael Jackson.
Children build their hoards,
like squirrels collect their acorns
or bears feast before the hibernation,
but unlike animals,
their stockpile will be gone before Thanksgiving. "
I love this part because it shows the changes that are beginning. And it is not only centered on humans, or children, but also on the animals.
And secondly, I only see like one problem, and in is only minor...
There should not be a period in the following sentence, because this is not a full sentence, it is only a fragment...
"With sadness and rage."
but overall, I think that you did very well on this, it was Fantastic!!!
Keep up the good work... I LOVED IT!!!
~B
Nice. I liked it overall, but there were some points that needed a little work, such as possibly adding specifics to examples, as that usually can paint an oil on canvas as opposed to the crayola of anonymosity. However, as i say this, you did create this feeling in some of your words. So, just in the future, kinda put yourself in the narratives shoes, speak truly from your words, and thus create a feel in which most will be able to relate with. Now, there will always be someone with a problem with your work, but as long as your proud of it and think its good, then go ahead and assume its fantastic. All in all, good work, hope to see more in the future :3
Thanks! You make a good point about using more specific examples. This was written pretty quickly for a workshop challenge/prompt where we came up with words to describe Halloween then had to not use those words. I do like the second stanza but the rest of this coulld be spruced up. Thanks again!
Np, and i gotcha. That sounds pretty fun.
Good work
Hi! So. First of all. I like the concept. You had a few pretty great images and a lot of great descriptions. You did a great job bringing each scene to life and I could see each one vividly in my mind's eye. My Critique?
I could see it, but I couldn't feel it.
In revision, I would focus more on what makes Halloween different for you than any costumed joe schmo hitting the trick-or-treating circut. Specific memories, the kinds of cotumes you wore as a child, what Halloween is to you now, etc.
Now, here's a stanza that I really liked.
The detail is great and very grounding, and if you wanted to, it could probably be used as a starting off point. I'd recommend taking this as the beginning, putting in a few of your own memories, and just seeing where your subconscious takes you from there.
Welp, that's all the review I have in me right now. Sorry it was so brief, but I hope this was helpful! Thanks for putting it out there!
Thanks for the review! I did write this rather quickly as a response to the prompt of writing down words associated with Halloween and then not using those words in the poem. I will definitely consider using specific memories, though that may be tricky while avoiding obvious Halloween words. Thanks again!