i.
when i was younger and bold as mars,
i danced on the head of a pin,
my safety net tied to the edge
of the universe,
words dripping from my scrambled-egg mind
like they meant more than the rain.
"don't touch the sun, you'll only burn"
they warned. i listened instead
to the angel choir
calling me to fly, fly, fly
into glittering fantasies
and vapor dreams of heaven.
but in ferocious extremes,
my life was claimed by forces from beyond,
and i died on the ides of march.
ii.
i thought i was headed to heaven,
but now i'm told that the angels lied.
the sparrows in the oak tree
try to sing me to sleep,
but if i sleep, i will forget the words
that built up inside of me
like snow in the winter.
i dream the walls are fields of lavender,
the tiles are grass and dirt,
and the pills are marigolds and orchids,
all growing under the sunshine of fluorescent lights.
my mind was still stuck in the sky
when the birds unlocked the doors
and sang farewell
to send me back into reality.
iii.
Leaving is easy--
it's coming back that's hard.
in the bitter light of day,
my body rebuilds
from the pieces broken by lightning.
as i walk, it is a battle
between my body and the next step.
love is just another symptom;
my world revolves around nothing.
my map is all wrong,
and i do not want to be part of the universe
as long as i am in it.
i cycle over and over
between sleepless nights
and trans-siberian railways of thought
(oh body, please be tired, it's not that hard)
and dreams of death that startle me awake
and make me hate myself for breathing.
(oh brain, please re-balance, is that so hard?)
when someone suggests
i might be more than worthless.
i am forced to fight,
for i only succeed at giving up,
at exploding like an alkali metal
dropped in water.
and of all the angels in my head,
i don't know which ones are the traitors.
iv.
i want to believe
the planets hear my angels cry
and care about my fate.
but i know better,
for all I can offer them
are unfinished stories
and words that never say anything right.
it hurts to know that i have lost
a million fragments
to the rain that reminds me
that spring is here.
but maybe the pain means i'm healing,
for we can't rise again until we die.
after all the flying and falling,
i am scarred and bruised.
but in the end, i wake up
in spite of my anxieties
and learn to love myself more
with every breath.
i can't look back and see perfection,
the great journey of my youthful dreams,
but i am here today,
and for now, all is well.
A/N: This poem contains fragments from NaPo poems from 2008 to 2019. I'm not sure about the title, so suggestions are welcome. Lack of capitalization is intentional. This is one of the more complex poems I've written, so thoughts on the structure and whether it still feels comprehensible are appreciated.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
hello!
. So just a kind of disclaimer.
ok, so now after being on this website for a few weeks or something know I know a little about poetry. I know enough to give a okay review
Anyway from what I can tell it these are really great poems. Although they are different poems they could all work together as one. I mean they are all a little different but like I mean they would work if you really tried.
I really like your poems they are great, packed full of emotion. I wanna read more from you because your poetry is so good. Fabulous job!
(Sorry for such a short review, I'm pretty tired and can't think of much else to say)
_From your friend
@PlainandSimple _
Hi and thanks for reviewing! These actually are one poem, but divided into parts, sort of like chapters. I think what Lavvie said below about the parts maybe being smaller is a good idea, but I haven%u2019t sat down and reworked it yet. Thanks again!
Hello niteowl,
Disclaimer: Reviewing poetry is not usual practice for me (in fact, I'm sure you could count the number of poetry reviews I've done in the past decade on two hands), so I'm trying my best here. The theme of mental health is also something that resonates with me.
On that topic, and considering your question regarding comprehensibility, I think it's difficult to say. Like you say, this is complex. I went back and read some of your past poetry, just so I could familiarize myself better with your style, and I'm going to steal your words and say this is definitely more esoteric than past poems. I feel like there's a lot going on in each part and I can't really find a thematic narrative in each. Yes, we have mental health, but I feel that the metaphors, the references, etc. kind of jump a bit and there are moments where the transition is particularly abrupt. For example, in part ii:
The jump between stanzas here is jump between two themes: transcendence/cosmology and nature. You might want to consider a way to make this less sudden, particularly since these themes of the transcendental and natural world are sort of battling it out through the rest of the poem. It's the initial introduction of the two seeming opposites.
I also wonder if the poem would be clearer and less convoluted if you made the parts smaller. I'm not necessarily saying remove some of what you have here already, but there are definitely areas where I felt like two parts were actually disguised as one.
I felt the strongest parts of this piece lay at the end:
I felt these stanzas particularly wise and demonstrated the growth experienced by the speaker, in spite of everything. These hit close to home, and I imagine they might for others reading, too.
I'm sorry I can't provide more poetic insight. All of that to say, I think you have made a commendable effort to write about something that is really difficult to understand since mental wellness is something that is unique to the individual. I can feel the hills and valleys of emotion and I can also feel the despair, later contrasted by hesitant hope at the end. I particularly love how it's made clear ("for now") that this is not the end of the story.
Thank you for sharing this <3
Lavvie
PS. I think the title is fantastic.
Thank you! This is very helpful. Yeah, my normal style is pretty simple and narrative, but this felt like it almost had to be more experimental because of the subject matter. I have tried it before, most notably with you will not win tonight.
As for the parts, I think I see what you mean. There weren't parts originally, but it felt long and messy so I tried using divisions. I feel like the part i (my first manic episode) and part ii (my hospitalization) were obvious divisions, but it does get more difficult after that. Maybe smaller parts would help. There was a lot of cut-and-paste in my edits, trying to decide what order everything would go in. I will have to chew on this when I have time.
Thanks again!