Like a firefly you caught my attention.
when I see you I feel such tension.
saying how I feel could take fathoms.
you have my heart doing marathons.
you are so handsome, did I forget to mention?
When I see you,
I feel such bliss kinda like the touch of snow;
I really like you, just thought you should know.
Apparently everything was all in my head.
Wishing for castles when all I have is a shed.
When I saw her, my heart just bled.
Feels like I’ve been hit hard with a sledge.
So tired from the tears I've shed.
Now I just want to forget that scene;
The one I wish I hadn't seen.
The sight of you and a girl that isn’t me.
Shortest love story ever;
Let go!! but I said never.
Then my heart got severed,
Don’t know how to feel better.
My heart is broken;
Like an egg placed on a lever.
Under the rain of pain; in need of shelter.
My heart is now a cold place- I shiver
I served it to you on a silver platter.
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125,879 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
Hi, nanya! I love this poem. i won't review much of the content because Its your feelings, right??
Anyway, I loved the rhyming at first but I thought it got choppy towards the end. This stanza was my favourite:
"Apparently everything was all in my head.
Wishing for castles when all I have is a shed.
When I saw her, my heart just bled.
Feels like I’ve been hit hard with a sledge.
So tired from the tears I've shed.
Now I just want to forget that scene;
The one I wish I hadn't seen.
The sight of you and a girl that isn’t me."
I so totally loved your poe and hope to read more from you soon.
- Anshira
thanks for the review
I love this! I don't really see anything to change because I believe poetry is an interpretation of your feelings and who am I to judge/review your feelings?
I like the title, though I wouldn't have chosen it myself.
You have good sentence structure and everything flows together.
This is really good.
i just described love in my own way. first part, is the falling for the guy you just saw, second part is knowing he isn't available. third part is getting crushed. so for me, it follows a pattern _ ( stages) thats why i chose that title. and thanks for the review.
I feel like this is a very good idea for a poem however I do not think you have a proper title for it. When I think about the stages of love I was thinking something along the lines of what made you fall in love or going from a crush to infatuation. The story line of the poem seems to be suggesting lust, you like someone and it breaks your hear to see them with someone else. At least that is what I was getting from it. Aside from that I know poetry is hard to read because I don't know the flow on which you wrote it but I was having a difficult time reading it with the type of rhyming pattern you were going for. You would start off the poem that every line had an end rhyme to the line after it and sometimes you skipped that pattern and it got a little confusing to me. I really like your line:
"Apparently everything was all in my head.
Wishing for castles when all I have is a shed"
That I thought was really powerful and it was one of my favorite things about the poem. I believe it is so strong that you can create a lot of poems off an idea like that.
The one line I was having the most difficulty with was:
"I really like you just thought you should know."
I was reading it like it was all one sentence and I believe it would make more sense if you added a comma after you and and I before just so it would look like this;
I really like you, I just thought you should know.
You don't have to listen to that it is what you feel is best. Overall I liked it.
i just describes love in my own way. first part, is the falling for the guy you just saw, second part is knowing he isn't available. third part is getting crushed. so for me, it follows a pattern _ ( stages) thats why i chose that title. and thanks for the review.
*described *
Oh okay got it. And yeah no problem