Hello Dearest,
You know me and I know you. Haha. Now I'm gonna review!
So this is another one of your more dramatic pieces and somehow I think that you were actually looking at your reflection as you wrote this. I know you, I could be right.
Anyway, it is a lovely poem. It's very dramatic and heartfelt and it says everything you want to say. It's almost as if it was a journal of what you felt at the time, everything was described as they should be though I do have a few nitpicks for you.
First that I noticed is the flow of the poem. Read it again, aloud and follow your punctuation as you do, you'll see where the flow just stops.
"When she looks at me, it breaks my heart. - for me, you don't need the comma here. but I do know why you put it there.
She has sad eyes and her lips are pouty.
She looks like she has had rough nights. - try putting "she's" than "she has" or even just reading it aloud, I think it's better that way for the flow of that particular sentence
I watch as she folds her arms tightly;
with her legs trembling. - okay, so these two sentences are rather broken when you read it. why use a semi-colon on this one? Try "Her legs are trembling." (just a suggestion)
I see something in her eyes,
They tell stories.
Stories of love lost, found and lost again - is there really no period at the end of this or is this a typo?
I see the utmost yearning for the unknown.
Her depression seems infectious.
Her pain is quite delirious with blindness
Because she can’t explain her pain or why it exists
Then her eyebrows curve in a frown
Her once calm face thickens
As I take one last look at my reflection,
Reality hits me and then, I step away from the mirror."
Okie, that's it. You know me, I will pick at everything I see. Write more and review on mine though.
PS. Welcome to YWS!
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