DISAPPOINTED LOVE.
Nothing hurts more than disappointed love.
Crushing my mind like math i can’t solve
It’s much worse when you are out of reasons;
why this feeling grow stronger and never ceases.
you see me, and pass by at a pace
but I turn, adoring your delicate grace.
Time passes, but my bruised heart still mourns;
With my eyes still searching for you through the mob.
Your image in head; being my only consolation prize,
I strive to cut my feelings to size.
Because I remind myself of one line,
You left without saying goodbye.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Oh my god, great. So deep and meaningful. "Crushing my mind like math I can't solve" That's the best comparison to disappointed love I have ever heard. Love this because I can really associate with it well. And that last line there, somebody leaving without a goodbye is really painful, that's a great ender tbh.
thanks..
I loved it! I only noticed one mistake 'but i turn, Adoring your delicate grace.' I should be capitalized. Also adoring shouldn't be capitalized. That's all I noticed... NOW LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVED IT! *Coughs* Sorry. It was really good and I can't wait to read more of your writing! Great job! Keep Writing!
~Tori~
Hello my friend!! Reviewer here for the Apple Dumpling Gang! This is a very good poem! It was intriguing and had rhythm! I enjoyed the subject because it's something a lot of people can relate to! In the second line instead of "a math" it might be better just to say "Math"... It seems to flow easier. There should probably be a comma in "Time passes, but my bruised heart still mourns;" The next line is actually a fragment, so you could put a comma instead of a period or take out with from the line. I don't really understand the line "I strive to cut my feelings down to size." Perhaps you could lengthen it a little.. Other than those few grammatical errors, it was a great poem! Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more in the future!
Keep writing!
~BlimeyLimey217
Noted. Thanks for the review
Hi there Nanya! I'm here representing The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto! Yes that really is our name
I am in no way whatsoever a poet so I can't tell you anything helpful in terms of technicalities.
I can however, and certainly will, comment on the content which, I will firstly say, is beautifully written!
My favourite part about it is the last two lines...I think they are perfect and completely capture the feeling of a disappointed love.
I do feel as though you force some rhymes in places and they could be spruced up a little! I don't think the word 'mob' fits with the feel of the poem at all. It you give this the tender love and care that it deserves then you could make it into a masterpiece!
I'm even going to give a like to encourage you
Good Luck - Keep writing and I look forward to seeing it if you tweak it at any point!
Olive <3
Thanks
i'll fix it.
Review time!
Okay, first thing I want to bring up is the title. It's in caps. I don't think this fist in with the poem. It's sort of like you're screaming the words, which is very different from the calm, flowing and defeated atmosphere in the poem.
This line doesn't seem to flow quiet as well with the rest of the poem, which, in my opinion, is because it's a tad longer than the rest of the lines in the poem. I think you could fix this by removing the word 'Reasons' The line doesn't lose anything, but it flows better.
Same problem as the line above, but I think rewriting it as "Your image in my head; my only prize," would be the way to go.
Keep writing!
--Hightop
thanks for the review.
Hello there, nanya. I see my rival has come to review! It's only appropriate for me to review this as well.
There are many petty grammar mistakes that you should probably fix, but I won't bug you with such small things unless they really impact the poem.
1st line: Agreeable. A wonderful way to start off the poem - by using the title itself. That way, we know how the title relates to the rest of the poem, and readers aren't disappointed or lied to when they read the title.
2nd line: Oooh, you don't like math?
3rd line: Yes, it is, but WHY? Please explain why its worse when you are out of reasons. How?
4th line: Okay. You are disappointed. So why do you love that person more. That's the message that's clicking onto my head right now, but for some reason, some part of it is not logical.
Okay, the 2nd line makes not much sense, and only half of it does. Why through the crowd? Also, for some strange reason, "strive" in the fourth just doesn't make my day. I cringe at something that I shouldn't be so negative about. The flow and rhythm don't make sense. That could be it or maybe it just doesn't make sense. It happens very often.
Where? Leaving where?
You kind of just threw the last line without us expecting it. Not only that the first line feels... hmm, it feels like you repeated what you didn't need to say. It almost feels like you added that line for no reason, yet it is necessary to close the poem, which doesn't make sense either.
The last line's other problems are that you only mentioned leaving in the line -
which isn't that related as I hoped.
The poem shows potential, but you didn't give enough effort to make it good enough.
Even so, keep writing!
~Kitty
Noted.
thanks for taking the time to review.
Hi, nanya! I typically am not a poetry person, nor do I like romantic prose and pieces, but I took a leap of faith on this one. I'm glad I did, because I feel I could help you a bit!
This wouldn't be hard to do.
Needs Improvement:
1. Spelling/grammar. I won't nitpick, as I know others will. When you finish a piece, you typically do a massive edit and grammar/spelling is a part of a massive edit.
2. There are a few parts that lack a definitive meaning...
I.e. "Nothing hurts more than disappointed love.
Crushing my mind like a math i can’t solve"
I don't quite see what you are trying to say here. In all honesty, I'm not quite sure I know what you mean by "disappointed love" either. Perhaps "disappointing love" would make more sense. I like the thought and idea behind this poem, but I don't like the way things were worded. You could change the wording in some lines and it would make more sense and have more of an impact on your reader.
As I said, I like the idea behind this poem, though I am typically not a romance kind of gal, but this was actually a nice idea. I love the line: "You image in my head being my only consolation prize," I like that you compared the image in our narrator's head to a consolation prize; it gives us an idea of how the narrator truly feels about the person they are thinking about. I hope this review helped, at least a little bit!
-FireFox
Noted. Thanks for taking time to review my poem. i appreciate it