You are truly a goddess to me.
When I saw your beauty,
I was sucked into your eyes.
The sea of blue ice and black obsidian.
Your eyes bewitched me into your cold heart.
At first I was startled by the coldness.
Cold as a black hole, mixed with an iceberg,
that killed the most indestructible of ships.
I sunk into your sea of love.
After your eyes I saw your hair,
As red as a rose mixed with the fire in the air.
As smooth as silk and Egyptian cotton.
Then I fell in love that chained me down,
To jealousy, rage and unknown anger.
That made me into the monster that I was.
Then I saw through your disguise of lies.
Saw yellow sallow skin,
as sickly as sin.
Your hair was a tangle of vine and dust,
And covered with a fine color of rust.
Your mouth dripped of venom and blood,
From your victims that you destroyed, like they were mud.
You screamed in rage when I pointed out your crimes.
Flew at me, talons flashed out of nowhere.
Trying to rip my face and hair.
Pain erupted like a volcano.
I felt like a pig about to be slaughtered.
Out of nowhere,
I saw a light,
That destroyed you into dust.
With scent of roses mixed with rust.
Now I am free from the chains that held me fast.
And you are gone at last.
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138,049 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi writer.I am here to review your work.First of all I am very new here so i don't have any precise idea.I want to tell you that the flow of your poem is really beautiful.Each line fell into the other wonderfully.You seem a great writer.Keep writing.Looking forward to more of your work to review.
Love Urvika
Hey Mwgoza97,
First of all, Welcome to YWS! I'm really glad to see we have a new talented poet in our midst. It's nice to see. I'd like to agree with Poeticone2194 when they say you have a very good flow in this poem. It's absolutely true. The lines themselves read very smoothly, and if you ignore the abundance of end-stops, they flow together and transition from word to word well. I think this is absolutely true because you're using conjunctions and beat to make the poem flow together without needing to pause as you read. All of these "now" and "Then" words make the poem tie up nice and neat.
In my experience, using these words like this can also pull away from the reading experience however, and most times when you edit, it's suggested you take them out. I think, in this case, taking out most of them would be fine. Taking out the ones which are in the same image/metaphor/simile would still allow the ideas to conjoin the words together and thus make it flow just as smooth.
Onto some nitpicks.
Personally, I think this love poem could use with less punctuation. It's totally a personal preference though, so I'm going to leave you this: Punctuation in Poetry as an explanation of the different types of punctuation. I'd like to see this poem with breath punctuation if you want to check that out. I want to know how you say/read this poem if you were the speaker.
The inconsistent rhyming in this actually bothers me a little. I mean, we get some rhymes, but not a lot, and those ones which rhyme seem to be just those which explain the "love" part of the love poem, but then it switches into a revenge poem and it starts rhyming more, which is offputting for me. If you want to use rhyme to highlight a line, then do so, but you can't start highlighting everything because then the highlighter loses importance.
My last nitpick is about originality. Now, usually when I'm editing a poem, I try to only have an open class word [a word where new words can be added into that category frequently, such as nouns, adjectives, adverbs, and verbs] in a poem once. The reason for this is because when you're trying to write something unique and original, it has to be consistently moving forward. After the reader has read it once, then it's no longer original. How you do that with using the same metaphor, is describing the metaphor in a new way, so if you're talking about red hair, then say many different ways describe that, like orange, fuzzy red, ginger, cinnamon, and so forth. This will give you reader more to grasp onto if they've never seen rust colored hair, sort of like a triangulation system. You give them three points of reference for what something looks like, chances are they're going to hit it spot on.
So, what's my suggestion for you on how to improve. I suggest that you keep writing! This poem is a really good start and I love where you're going, so just keep it up! If you want to edit this poem to fit my idea of a poem, then I'd also suggest removing some of the repeated words, and changing up your punctuation, and probably your capitalization too. Aside from that, you've done a really great job with the flow of this poem and I love how you're working with a topic in a unique way. You just have to keep writing.
I hope to see more from you soon.